Our experience was very positive, though much simpler than your circumstances. I’m just posting this to wish you the best, and say that things can turn out well. If I can help in any way regarding our experience, please feel free to message me.
I’m glad to hear that! Even more, I hope everything works out for you, I really do.
Well, there are all sorts of dads out there, too. Even when the father is a part of the family from years 0-18, what are the odds that he’s your hoped-for “strong, loving” father? Some are, many aren’t.
At any rate, such speculation is of no help in Alice’s situation - as she has pointed out, affixing responsibility or blame doesn’t help with what to do NOW. It’s not like she can go to Sears and purchase a Craftsman-brand father for her son.
The problem with trying to minimize his failures is that you also end up minimizing his successes. It sounds to me like you need to work on finding a new balance between the two. He’s going to need to figure out ways to do things on his own or find out for himself what he needs help with, and though you want to jump in for the best reasons, in the long run it’s not going to be helpful.
This all sounds really tough, and his age isn’t helping. Ouch.
Thanks for sharing this story! This is about as hopeful a read as I have seen, and it reminds us that the long haul, indeed the very long haul, may be what it takes, but that it can happen.
Oh, Alice, I have nothing but sympathy for you and your family in this difficult situation.
Forgive me if I missed this, but is your son currently receiving treatment for his behavioral issues? Is he medicated at all? Because if not, I would suggest you start there with an experienced behavioral psychologist. It’s possible that with the proper outpatient intervention you may not have to resort to a group home. I also have to wonder if he is taking any medication that may be exacerbating his problems. It is possible for therapists to make their clients worse, if they don’t know what they’re doing.
But whatever you do decide to do, know you will find support here.
This is crap advice, just crap advice.
I had no father after I was nine and I never did the crap the op s son is doing. What jr. Here is doing is manipulating his mother with guilt. If she did find a man the boy would then project his hatred and opposition towards two adults now instead of one.
Wouldn’t that be awesome, though? Especially with Sears’ liberal return policy!
olives, he does go to a behavioral health place for therapy, but has not had his medical appointment yet, where he’ll see a psychiatrist and be prescribed meds. We started this whole process with them months ago, but it really takes forever to get through it. Him being in the hospital the other day made them move the med appt up by 4 whole days!:rolleyes: Right now, he is taking antidepressants prescribed by his pediatrician, but hasn’t really been on them long enough for them to take effect yet, only about a month. One of the bothersome things about him being on state insurance (our state’s version of Medicaid) is that he has to get most pysch/ADD meds from behavioral health, and yet the process to do that takes months. Frustrating.
Does your son have friends? My son lost his father a few years back and I felt bad for him but he was OK with it. He’s now got a best friend, and I’ve never seen two boys so close. Neither one has a dad. It’s not the same thing, but I can tell the fact my son has a good buddy he can confide anything in has made him so much happier.
There are things male teens simply do not want to talk to their mother, or any other woman about. It’s not a matter of a parent, they just want a male. You know the same way, my girlfriends and I, get together and just complain about men in general.
Have you taken him to another doctor? If they are assuming the brain is normal other than the condition you stated, they could be treating him in error. Are you sure his brain “problem” isn’t somehow effecting his behavior? In that case it’s not a matter of reasoning, he can’t help it if the pathways in the brain aren’t working.
Alice I am so, so sorry to hear all of this. I can tell from this, and other, posts that you are a phenomenal mother: you love your son enormously, you have a broad range of parenting techniques and you are very aware of all things that are affecting him/going on with him. In my experience, this puts you way, way at the top of the scale. I also think even sven is absolutely right (though I know you are well aware of this): your son is angry and blames you for the lack of a father figure because he knows it will hurt you. His behaviour is clearly an huge strain on you and you must be at the end of your tether.
I have several years experience working in a home for children with severe behavioural issues & histories of violence. I worked alongside a psychologist on maintaining a system of loving consequences. The children I worked with ranged in behaviour from similar to your son to children with very severe histories of violence and abuse.
The place where I worked was the happiest children’s home I have ever visited. We loved those children, every single one. The place was full of colour, fun, love, trust and support. But it was never the same as home. All children I worked with had severe issues as a result of feeling abandoned, even if it was just for a short period of time. I would advise (though none of this makes me an expert by any stretch) that if your son is admitted to any form of institution, that you make as many agreements with him about the duration & contact you might have throughout as possible, and that you stick to that. Although having a short period of time apart sounds like a good idea, I cannot say whether an institution would be beneficial or not. I really like some of the other ideas of camps where he would like to go himself, hopefully something that helps him meet kids in similar situations that will help build confidence, but I realise that would be in the future rather than now, when you are in need of a break pronto.
One thing that made a huge difference in my own experience working with these children, though I know you are at the moment beyond actual parenting advice. I also say this knowing that your parenting skills are, as I said, phenomenal and that you have probably been working on these things. In my experience working with children who have felt a huge loss of control over their lives, restrictive rules make their anger and frustration grow, leading them to act out more. It may benefit him to feel more agency. This can be done by allowing him to earn back privileges after losing them due to bad behaviour and by encouraging decision making at every possible moment, however small the decision. Allowing him to earn back privileges gives him the opportunity to revisit his mistake and rectify it. If you actively help him in earning back (eg you do a job together), you become the good guy, helping him through the difficult time, rather than the bad guy who doles out consequences. In this way he has full agency over how miserable his life is, no tv cannot be blamed anywhere else.
In my experience children who were new to the home would go through a period of adjusting to this approach. Adjusting could last from a week to 6 months. Adjustment would be worse than before, with the children in constant time outs and acting out being destructive and violent. Once they “got” the system, they loved it as you could earn yourself so many privileges life could be great and it was all up to you.
Again, I realise this is not particularly helpful right now, and that this may be your regular approach anyway (in which case I’m a jerk). I guess its just the best thing I have, as I’ve seen how it worked. I have seen children with behavioural problems much, much worse than your son and they really have turned into happy, loving and well-adjusted children.
I wish there was something I could do to help.
No experience with group homes of the sort I think you may be considering for your son. I do have two special-needs kids (one with high-functioning autism, one with emotional / ADHD problems)
The group-home situations I do know of personally:
[ul]
[li]My nephew (22 years old) will ultimately live in one but it’s one for adults (he is autistic and not especially high-functioning), so the situation is quite different. [/li]
[li]I do know of several people whose kids have ultimately been sent to boarding schools - in both cases, the kids had significant impairments that were more severe than your son’s (in one case, the child had Down’s and severe behavioral issues, in the other case the child had seizures, developmental delays, and some behavioral issues as well). Both of those were from an educational standpoint and the school district paid for them. The Downs child turned 22, aging out of that facility, and is now living in a group home that is funded by his Social Security disability and possibly other funds.[/li][/ul]
Anyway: I would do some very detailed research and hard thinking about what you’re looking for in possibly placing him in a home. Just some ideas that come to mind:
Are there places that specialize in turning around behavioral issues?
Would this be a short-term “emergency” sort of thing or longer-term?
What kind of oversight / rights would you have, e.g. if you felt he was unsafe would you have to go to court to get him out of there? With the Downs boy I mention above, he’s turned 22 and is now living in a state-funded group home, but he’s been in several inappropriate placements and the parents have relatively little power to change the placement - which has been pretty stressful.
Would you have to sign over custody to the state?
What kind of visitation would you have?
What would their approach be to discipline?
Do you think your son could be brought to understand that you’re not doing this as punishment, but to help him get time away and maybe decompress a bit and work on your family relationship anew? To me, getting him to recognize that the status quo is making life hell on both of you, and that HE needs to work with you to effect change, is so crucial. We have our kids in a social skills group therapy and from talking to other parents, we get the feeling that so many kids just don’t give a shit about trying to make the family work. They’re defiant / angry / misbehaving and don’t care about how that makes life for the parents.
While I understand that you have state coverage for his medical care, any chance you could pay out of pocket at least for one or two visits to get him seen sooner? It sounds risky to let things go on for the months they seem to expect you to wait.
Are you working with any kind of social worker? The hospital your son was taken to might have someone on staff, ditto the school district - they might at least have some ideas on things to look into.
You’ve mentioned that you’ve thought he might be bipolar. Speaking just from things I’ve heard over the years: bipolar disorder in kids doesn’t necessarily manifest the same as bipolar in adults, symptom-wise. And I seem to recall hearing that antidepressants are NOT great if what you’ve got is truly bipolar (as in, perhaps worse than doing nothing). Don’t quote me on either of those, however, this just reflects things I’ve gleaned over the years.
I realize that these are very simple solutions to simply-expressed problems and will only begin to scratch the surface of everything you’re going through, but this statement stood out for me:
I think this is the root of a lot of the issues - he is fighting the disability and health issues that he has to face while at the same time trying desperately to fit in and appear normal. My sister had juvenile arthritis, and would fly into a fit of rage if we ever mentioned it near her friends or used it as a rationale for something she was struggling with - she didn’t want to be different and would try and pretend that she wasn’t, as much as possible. It took a lot of work for us, as a family, to accept and work with the boundaries that she was trying to establish.
So, to address some of the tasks that you do for him that you mentioned, here are a couple of suggestions. I think that, somehow, you need to find a way to do these with him, rather than for him. Some things are non-negotiable, like taking showers and brushing teeth, but other things might be easier to handle than you think.
You mention that you tie his shoes and that he - understandably, IMHO - doesn’t want to use velcro. There are other options or middle grounds that might be explored here. The fashion for boys shoes right now is largely to have loose laces anyways - I’ve seen shoes that are put on like slippers, and the laces on them are almost more decorative than functional since elastics hold the shoe on. I’ve seen several models like this at stores like Sports Experts - they aren’t hard to find. Theselook like they might be like I’m describing. I’m sure he’d appreciate a pair of trendy/brand-name running shoes that he can deal with on his own! For when he has to dress up, some loafer/leather shoes can meet those needs and maybe be acceptable to him.
For the shower - is the problem one of regulating the right temperature? Can you try and see if you pretty much always end up turning the knob(s) to the same point - putting a simple sticker (or blob of paint) on the knob and one on the wall that your son can maybe lineup on his own might be sufficient. I’m sure it’s very embarrassing for a 13-year-old to have his shower time have to involve his mother. If you can afford it, perhaps changing the style of knob or having a plumber install a mechanical stop might help?
Cutting his meat: maybe not a lot to be done there, other than perhaps preparing some meals with the meat pre-cut before cooking (sliced up chicken breasts, using beef strips instead of steak, etc). If your plate looks like his, there might be less drama around this sort of stuff?
I know these are such trivial solutions to a huge problem, but perhaps enough of these could begin to make a difference. I think your son might feel like he has little control in his life, and many times there might be things that you can do differently which are obvious to third parties that you might not be seeing because you are too close to the situation.
I hope you can find a way to help your son and yourself be happy. Good luck!
I’m glad you mentioned this: when I was typing up my response, I thought of elastic shoelaces - Amazon has them, and I’m sure shoe stores carry them as well. It looks like there are a couple types: some that get tied like regular shoelaces but then you don’t have to undo them, some that have those spring-loaded nuts (where you press the button to loosen / tighten them, then release the button when it’s at the right spot), and some where the ends of the laces are tight coils that just hang there.
The tie-once variety will look “normal” but of course there’s the problem if they ever do come untied when he’s not at home, it might be a problem.
Also, sports sandals - in Tucson, he can probably wear this a larger part of the year than we can here in the mid-Atlantic. Those are either velcro or buckled, and either type would be normal (vs. velcro sneakers - yeah, I’ll wear velcro sneakers but I have zero sense of “cool” and just don’t care).
Loafers and slip-ons are good, though from a style standpoint I’m not a good person to ask! Ditto boots - either pullon or zipper.
So many questions today- I will try to cover them all.
Friends: he easily makes friends with and gravitates towards older people. I have found several times that he tells people he’s older than he is- even though he looks 13, they seem to believe him! I’m like, does the lack of pubertal signs not clue them in?? Anyway, I’ve been encouraging him to make new friends his own age, as he tends to want to overshare things with me that would be better suited to another 13 year old boy. As I said, we are very close- sometimes a little closer than I’d like! Hopefully, we can go ahead with the Boy Scout plan that we had before this latest crisis, and maybe that will help him make friends.
Taking him to another doctor- I just got laid off, so, no, that’s not possible. State insurance and behavioral health it is.
Shoes- I seem to be buying them every couple of months, so the next time, we will look for those spring-loaded laces or possibly slip-ons. Most schools here do not let them wear sandals, so that’s a no-go, but I do love them in the summer. As for the other things that I help him with/do for him, I will try to look at it in a new way from here on out and make him feel more independent. As a mother, you can get into a thing where it’s just easier for you to do it, and so you do it. Maybe the wrong tack, I admit.
Well, I was going to post that he’s been gone since Friday and now it’s Monday and I miss him terribly and I don’t think I want him in a group home. But then he came home. And, here we go. 
I don’t have any advice for the OP, but I wanted to comment on this. You do realize this is not really very helpful, don’t you? It’s not like loving but strong fathers grow on trees or the OP can just find one on sale at WalMart. Yes, it would be nice if the kid had a loving but strong father in the house. There’s more than one way to raise a healthy, well-adjusted child and the OP can’t just wish a loving but strong father into existence. Be that as it may, seeing as how the OP can’t suddenly invent the perfect father figure, do you have any useful suggestions for the OP? Aside from “Well, you’re doing it wrong.”?
Updatearino:
We have decided not to put him in a group home. What it really came down to for me is that he is not criminally-inclined. He’s never been in trouble with the police, and still has respect for the law, and no urges to do things like vandalize, shoplift, or anything of that nature. Although I’m sure that there are good group homes out there, where kids are cared for and taught to do right, I’m also wary of exposing him to other kids that aren’t as law-abiding. He has such a need right now to fit in somewhere, because of his issues at school with bullying, that I’m afraid of the lengths that he might go to to do that. So for now, I feel that he’s better off with my influence instead of the influence of unknowns.
His therapy has been increased to weekly, meds will be adjusted/introduced in less than a week, his troubles at school are getting a fresh, serious look by officials, and we’re feeling hopeful. Even though he did raise his fist to me today. :eek: Baby steps, now, and breathe…
Good luck Alice. You are living the shared parental nightmare. I have my fingers crossed that your son gets the help he needs.
These aren’t really normal things to tell a 13 year old.
Really? I tell my 13 year old all the time to take or shower or that she should head to bed.
Hell, I half to remind my almost 17 year old son that he really, really needs to take a shower!
Yes they are.