I’ve been known to have (not half :smack:) to remind my spouse to shower on rare occasions…
Huh? Why? At 13 your are old enough to decide whether you need to take a shower or go to bed.
if my age 13 nephew was allowed to make his own decisions, he’d become one with the carpet in the living room and the only sign of life would be the movement of his thumbs on the video game controller. Maybe I’m wrong and spending 200 hours a week* playing MMORPGs will end up being the Life Skill of the Future, but I do know my brother and SIL periodically chasing him out of the house, cramming food down his gullet, and hosing him down before he starts to smell like a landfill are the only things stoping him from becoming a complete techno-trog.
*Yes, I know there’s only 168 hours in a week, but if my nephew could squeeze in the extra 32 to play X-Box he completely would.
Not in my experience, nope.
There are many, many things my 13 year old is ready to decide for herself. And most times she doesn’t need those reminders to shower or go to bed.
But when she does, I will certainly remind her (just like she needs reminders to run her laundry and clean her room on occasion, too). And I would expect her to respond reasonably to me and not argue the point.
Yeah, I’m not saying you never ever have to tell a 13 year old to do those things, but it is an unusual thing to cite as a flashpoint. I just get the distinct impression that OP is still treating him too much like a child. He’s 13, and it’s time for him to start transitioning into adulthood. I understand there is a disability here, but I don’t think the plan is for him to stay at home forever. So he needs to be given independence as much as possible. I think you should look at something and say, am I going to be doing this for him when he is 25? If the answer is no, then you need to stop doing that now.
Tying shoes? Tell him to go velcro or slip on because you aren’t tying shoes anymore.
Water for showers? There should be an easy accessibility solution here, depending on your faucet set up.
Cutting Food? Time to start teaching him to cook for himself, or if he can’t, figure out the solution for him eating at 25 and start implementing it.
Well, that is way different than the post I responded to, which implied it wasn’t normal to tell a 13 YO to do those things. Not only is it normal, it’s routine.
I am wondering OP, have you engaged your son about how he’s going to start taking care of himself a little more? Asked him what he wants to try tackling first? Asked him to think about possible solutions? Apologized that your actions, though well intended, made him feel inadequate?
This isn’t a problem with him, it s a problem between you both. He’s getting counseling, ie, working on change. Are you planning to change you? Are you getting counselling?
Kids are different. I, at 13, did not need to be told when to go to bed or when to take a shower. Hell, I was babysitting neighborhood children and telling them what to do, besides being in charge of my brothers, one of whom was older than I. My 13 year-old son, however, would stay up until midnight every night and wouldn’t take a shower but once a month on his own accord. I don’t think it really means anything that he still needs guidance in those areas.
As for me and how I do things, yes, I am getting counseling along with him (but separately). Yes, I am looking at how I do things and changing our routines so that he feels more independent, with his input.
Depends on the 13 year old. A lot of them (both of mine included) don’t consider showers as especially necessary. For those of us who have to share a household with them, reminding that showers are not just for special occasions is, unfortunately, necessary. Mine (including my 17 year old) has occasionally met the “how about a shower” suggestion with “I just DID”. When “just DID” = “within the past 2 weeks, just barely”.
And a lot of 13 year olds need to be reminded of bedtime, especially if there’s something more interesting like video games, TV, etc. available.
I have a thirteen year old who is good at this. When I talk to other parents, he is unusual.
I don’t think the showering and bed means much either. I found with my son, I made it clear, you do those things or suffer the consequences. Showering was easy but the bed, I said, “Go to bed when you like, but you get up at 6:30am and get ready for school.” It only took one time of his being really late and I said, “No note from me.” He was all upset, “but I’ll get detention.” I said, “Then don’t make any plans for after school.”
He learned fast enough, though I realize a child with a disability will have a harder time having that driven home.
Alice - I have an adopted daughter who has had terrible emotional problems. We could not live with her if she was not medicated. She is not doped up in any way. But she needs medicine to allow her to feel normal - to reduce her load of pain enough for her to interact appropriately with the world. Some kids are born with neurological challenges. You son could have some kind of mild bi-polar disorder. You really need to get him to a good pediatric psychiatrist. there is no reason not to do this. If he benefits from treatment, as my daughter does (absolutely), then his life will be inifintely better and he will be better able to manage his behaviors. I worked years ago as a psychotherapist, if that helps, but most of what I know has been learned the hard way through painful experience over many years spent helping my daughter to become somewhat normal. Please get the poor boy to a good doctor! You cannot figure this out by yourself. there is probably a much better option than a group home – medicine and perhaps therapy for him are the way to start. You could probably find good support groups too that would help him to relieve internal stresses.
Speaking from being in your son’s position 15 years ago. If you send him to a grouphome you are sending him a very clear message that he is trash to you that you easily threw to the curb. You will be showing him on a deep level that you don’t love him you will leave him with abandonment issues for the rest of his life. If you actually believe that a grouphome is a place to fix kids then I’m sorry but you’re among the stupidest people in this world. All it will do is make everything worse… but you’ll get your little holiday right isn’t that the point. It’s torture, you’re sending your baby to the wolves to be ripped apart and fucked up mentally for the rest of his life.
Bottom line if you love your son even just a little bit you won’t put him in a grouphome no matter how hard your life is. He’s acting up because he’s hurting inside, be a mom and help him heal his hurt don’t cause him more lifelong pain because you fucked up somewhere parenting and are now finding it too hard to deal with.
Moderating:
Welcome to the forum.
I’m not sure you realize you’re posting to a ten-year-old thread. Whatever the outcome of the OP’s decision, it has long since passed.
One of our main rules in this forum is that you’re allowed to attack the information contained in a post, but not the poster who posted the information. As such, this note is issued as guidance and not a warning. Please refrain from doing this in any future postings.
Thanks.