I think there is only one time I actually, non-jokingly threatened to kick someone’s ass. My girlfriend (later to be my wife) had a weirdo semi-stalking her, calling her all the time and being a general pain. Nothing that made her (or me) feel threatened, per se, but he was definitely bothering her.
So once when I was at her house and we happened to be talking about this problem, the phone rings and my wife rolls her eyes, knowing that it must be him again.
Chest puffed out, I reassured her that “I’ll handle this, babycakes” (somewhat paraphrased), went in the other room and picked up the phone, and threatened to kick the ass of the guy on the other end of the line.
Came back in the room and my girlfriend was all giddy, and asked me exactly what had been said. I started to recount the conversatin, starting with the guy asking “Is [my wife’s usual nickname] there?”, followed by my “HEYMANIFYOUCALLMYGIRLFRIENDAGAINIMGONNAKICKYOURASS!!!”
Girlfriend is silent for a moment, and then says, “But the weirdo doesn’t know that my name is ____.”
Hmm, only once I think. In high school I was once surrounded by a large senior and a bunch of his friends, who then proceeded to make strange homo-erotic come-ons along with a fair dose of sheer intimidation. I made it fairly clear that if any of them touched me, I was going to open a can. Whether that can would have done anything I dont know, but there it was.
Yeah, i play American football on a senior team in the UK… and well… being one of the youngest everyone else is a whole lot fucking bigger… and i have a tendency to get a fair few many beers wise after the games… so i threatned one of our Line backers whos also a cop and stuff… if he took it serious it could have ended badly >.<
Aside from my own brothers, where I assure you the threats were sincere, mutual, and frequently fulfilled, the only time I’ve threatened to kick someone’s ass was in a movie theater. I was watching RotK with my brother, and some guy and his date were in the row behind us, talking and laughing and making fun of the movie the whole time. Finally, I turned around (and was surprised to see he was only about 16, but that did not mollify me) and told him, in a quiet but non-whispered voice, to STFU. He spread his hands as if to say, “Huh? I wasn’t talking!” I said, “If you say another word, I will follow you out of here and beat your ass.”
Only once that was in any way sincere. But I couldn’t have done it against this particular opponent, he didn’t take it seriously, and worst of all, I misspoke, leading to hilarity.
I told my husband if he doesn’t start putting the frickin’ box of tupperware lids back in the cabinet I’m gonna kick his ass – does that count?
On a serious note – I have never made an idle threat to another person. In all of the physical confrontations in which I have been involved (which unfortunately has been quite a few) I have never swung first – each time was self-defense.
Me and several friends of this girl threatened to beat the hell out of her bf. She told us that got really grabby on their last date and wouldn’t take her home, tried every line he could think of, etc. She was really upset about it. So when he showed up after school we were waiting. We told him that she didn’t want to see him anymore, and if we caught him around her we would beat the shit out of him regardless of who else was around.
No, I have never threatened someone with the phrase “I’ll kick your ass.” I have, however, indicated on a few occasions that I would break the arm or more vital extremities of someone yapping on about how he would “kick my ass,” after having taken my fill of verbal abuse. The trick is to offer up that statement, and then say no more while staring them straight in the eyes; they inevitably ramble on a bit more about all of the superficially damaging things they’re going to do to you and then wind down when they realize that you’re not bluffing or full of bombast. The sticky bit is, of course, that if they don’t wind down, or their friends are goading them, you may have to make good on your statement, and that really doesn’t end up well for anyone involved.
Anybody who wants to “fight” needs to go back to the playground.
Yes, and managed to get my own ass severely kicked as a result. This was the day I learnt that all bullies are not, in fact, cowards on the inside, or afraid of a fight, but can be perfectly willing and able to back up their threats.
I’m not, as a general rule, a violent person. I have an insanely violent temper, and a VERY long fuse.
Several years ago, a female friend came to me with some worries that a guy she had broken up with wouldn’t let her go. That he was taking her somewhere, wouldn’t let her out of the car, and slapped her.
I got dressed (loose fitting but non-binding clothes, in case I had to fight) and went to talk to this guy. Meeting at our local Rocky Horror Picture Show showing, I took him aside (with my tall, guant, slightly deranged friend hovering behind me) that he shouldn’t be slapping girls. That there were consequences for that sort of thing.
He asked if I was threatening to kick his ass.
I explained that in California, even threatening to do that can be construed as assault. And that I was merely explaining that there are consequences to this sort of behavior.
He left her alone after that. And ever time I saw him after that, he always tried to curry my favor.
It was an interesting time, that’s for sure.
(for the record, my friend wanted to black bag him, take him to the river, put a gun in his mouth and explain the consequences thing a bit more clearly. I talked him out of it. This is why I did the talking… hehehe)
Yeah, but I don’t personally need to do the kicking; I figure one blowhard will eventually cross swords with another blowhard, and then I can sit back and enjoy the fight from a distance with a beer in hand. Stick a fist out at me and I’ll break the friggin’ thing off while the bloke is wondering why he can’t breathe. I’m too old to “fight fair”.
I was at a bachelorette party for my sister-in-law to be, and both she and I had gotten to be quite drunk. Some dude was talking to her and they were “hanging” on each other a little too much and I marched up to them and got right in the dude’s face and asked her who the hell this little creep was and if I should maybe kick his ass.
Turns out he was just an old friend and she was at that stage of drunkenness where you hang on any object within 5’ of you.
But, I figured as sister-of-the-groom, with a third degree brown belt and way too much to drink, it was my duty to “inspect” the situation. I was furious for a moment there.
I did put my hand over his face to show him how big my hands were and how small his head was. Ha!
So, in your mind, anyone and everyone that is involved in a physical fight, for whatever reason or circumstance, is a “blowhard”?
Serious question. I am not trying to be adversarial, just wondering.
Ooops, hold on, I may have spoken (typed) too soon. Now I see the distinction you were making. You mean the people that have to talk about kicking someones ass, instead of the actual kicking itself. Right?
Occasionally. I’m not a violent person and have never actually had to kick someones ass. I am a big guy. I’ve worked on many construction sites where threats of violence seem to be a great motivator. Homophobia is rampant in the trades and can get tiring. I have a pretty high tolerance but at the point their conversation hits a point where they advocate gay bashing I tend to make my opinion known. “Ever get your ass kicked by a faggot?” “Keep spouting your stupidity and it is going to happen”
Excepting peace officers or security/bouncers for whom it is an aspect of the job, yeah, anybody who voluntarily enters into a fight needs to get more secure about their genital arrangements. Now, if you’re acting to protect someone else from physical attack, or are under attack yourself, or are surrounded by a big ring of Wing Chun-trained Tongs or somesuch, then I wouldn’t call that voluntary. But two guys facing off over what one said about a woman, or somebody that doesn’t like your selection of beer brand, or a Steeler’s fan who can’t cope with someone betting on the Packers? A complete blowhard who’s managed to work himself into enough of a frenzy to think that his fists define is manhood.