Okay, so, you know how it goes. Your little brother/friend/ co-worker does something you just have to keep telling them not to.
Or they say something really annoying.
And then you say… What?
“…Or I will break both your legs”?
“I will feed you to my pet budgies”? :smack:
Okay people, write down all your favourite threats and insults!
Sharing is careing!
Hunter S. Thompson threatened to rip out cartoonist Gary Trudeau’s lungs.
"“In 1974, Uncle Duke appeared in the comic strip “Doonsebury.” Uncle Duke is based on Thompson in which his response was a threat to “rip Trudeau’s lungs out.” Later, once he had claimed he made the statement that “no kid wants to grow up to be a cartoon character.”” from this: Internet Providers in New Mexico
But I much prefer: “rip out your pineal gland”
I don’t know who said it first. I don’t think it’s original with me.
In the Army I often used " I will firebomb your church". I will firebomb your church is always a good frightening threat with people who don’t go to church at all. The reaction was usually something like: “um, yeah, OK.”
I am assuming of course that you want empty over-the-top threats that will never be carried out.
For better or worse, my method is to make a threat that I’ll actually follow through on, and I make it very clear that I ain’t joking.
“Reply All? Oh how lovely. I’m glad you included a list of everyone else you know when you forwarded me a chain letter–something that I have told you not to do.”
For some reason, people tend to not take it well when you inform a hundred of their friends that 99% of the money in circulation is founded on interest-based loans, thus making it all sinful and condemning them to Hell according to the religion of 90% of the country if they actually cared pay attention to the original rules.*
because I never make a threat. I break his kneecaps first. Then I tell him “don’t ever ever do “x” again”.
I always go the Morbo route from Futurama:
“Stop it. Stop it! I WILL DESTROY YOU! GRWAAAAARRRRAAAA!” About halfway through the monster sound the other person usually begins to edge away quietly. Bonus points for waving your arms threateningly.
If it’s somebody I’m relatively familiar with, I usually go with something like:
“Stop that or I will kill you with a hammer, cut you up into little pieces, put you in my trunk and dump you off the bridge.”
But my friends and I have odd sense of humor.
Having worked with kids alot in my life ( and being a parent) I have learned the following:
**Never make a threat you cannot carry out. ** ( " I’m going to kill you!" " I’m going to break both your legs." Empty threats are just an excuse for the person you are drawing a line in the sand to cross that line.
What ever threat you make ( I will take away your DS/IPOD/PHONE for the rest of the week.) make it something they cannot live without. If they cross that line, take it away and lock it up somewhere. Physical violence, though very satisfactory emotionally to give in too, is never the direction to head. (When my son was smaller I could heft him on my shoulder and trot him upstairs to his bedroom to stay-put. Now at 110 pounds and built like an Oak Tree, I cannot go that route. I usually don’t have to. He’s an excellent kid.)
If you don’t follow up on your threat and keep on threatening, you are a doormat and being used. When weakness is detected, kids pounce on it.
Kids need boundaries. When they do excellent, their boundaries & resposibilites expand. When they cannot behave themselves, territory and posessions are taken away. The latter is refered to as Camp No-Fun.
At work, " I’m goning to make you go bobbing for french fries."
There are two lines that I use to give my kids a heads up:
Don’t make me take a hostage!
Don’t make me use MY MOMMY VOICE!!! and I talk in ALL CAPS and get the STREET CORNER PROPHET rant going.
The first line has become a stock phrase with all our friends in dealing with this fun thing called life. [size=1]“I almost had to take a hostage today…” " Yeah…did you demand an airplane to go to Cuba ?" " No, I just wanted the dishwasher actually LOADED with dirty dishes."
Obviously I can’t spell.
I used to threaten to mail my kid to a random post office box number in whatever obscure part of the world came most immediately to mind.
A schmuck of a mouth-breathing officemate was making me angry. I said:
“My Doctor has prescribed medication for my Anger Management problem… It hasn’t kicked in yet.”
I kinda knew how Bruce Banner felt, because what I said was true. I was getting well and truly pissed. And I liked it.
Said officemate took the hint. Course, it helped that I’m 6’6", 270 lbs, and work out.
I do threaten on a daily basis to sell my children to the gypsies, toss them into the garbage, trade them back in at an orphanage and get a nice puppy in exchange, send them to work in the salt mines under Detroit, bury them in a shallow grave ( that is usually Option Number Three) and other such fun stuff.
I am definately adding in Mailing them to some obscure part of the world to my litany of Silly Threats.
The one I regularly use on telemarketers is “If you ever call me again, I’ll hunt you down and kill you in front of your own children.”
For my debaters, I promise that “they’ll be finding parts of your body in 5 states.”
I tend to simplicity.
"I will rip you to the ground.
I also used to tell her I was going to send her to the Arizona Home for the Terminally Rude. I forget where I got that from, possibly Peg Bracken. Creative substitutions abound there as well, depending on the infraction. (Massachusetts Home for the Irretrievably Messy, North Dakota Home for the Lamentably Forgetful…) Three syllable states seem to roll off the tongue best. Or you can use cities (San Francisco Home for Disobedient Delinquents).
Not mine, but a recent favorite.
These are awesome! ( They sound so Lemony Snicket!)
You have to make sure, of course, that they don’t want to go there on holiday. And that there isn’t a more powerful force making them go. Like Rosalyn.
Quite true. When I said obscure, I didn’t mean exotic. I meant boring. Kankakee was a favorite, as I recall. Roslyn would also do.
