Totally kewlest threats-with-backup

[BrainGlutton]

I don’t mean idle threats or vain braggadoccio. “I’m going to rip off your head and shit down your neck” counts only if read as a metaphor for some situationally plausible carnage. I mean threats which (whether the hearer realizes it or not) really are made from a position of strength. Like this, from Babylon 5:

DELENN [commanding a Minbari fleet which has just jumpgated to B5 to face down an EarthGov fleet loyal to President Clark]: Only one human captain has ever survived an encounter with a Minbari fleet. He is behind me. You are in front of me. If you value your lives, be somewhere else.

[Tranquilis]

Gilgamesh Wulfenbach applies a little incentive - and means it.

The very definitin of ‘Badass Boast.’

[DCnDC]

From an obscure Charlie Sheen movie called Beyond the Law where he goes undercover as a biker, the end of this scene, at about 2:50.

“I got an idea… let’s shoot each other. You go first.”

[TriPolar]

From the Potsdam Declarationdemanding the surrender of Japan in WWII

The full application of our military power, backed by our resolve, will mean the inevitable and complete destruction of the Japanese armed forces and just as inevitably the utter devastation of the Japanese homeland.

[Lare]

There’s a Calvin and Hobbes where Calvin attempts to sneak up on Hobbes with a water balloon. Hobbes comments “As if life isn’t short enough…”

I always thought this was a good template but have had much less success in influencing people who I would like to threaten.

[Mr.Excellent]

Not technically a threat, so much as a declaration of fact, but still one of my favorite bits of Churchill: "“Every trace of Hitler’s footsteps, every stain of his infected and corroding fingers, will be sponged and purged and, if need be, blasted from the surface of the earth.”

[BubbaDog]

Not in film but still one of my favorite legends (since it involved my dear old dad - BubbaGramps)

BubbaGramps was an old reformed street fighter and as such worked very hard not to lose his cool. But one night at a local community hall some fart just about as old as BG got drunk and decided to get in his face. BubbaGramps kept his cool until the guy made the mistake of saying something unkind about BubbaGranny. BubbaGramps threw the fart across a table and then sat down cursing himself for losing his cool.

The guy went outside then and went to his car and picked up a tire tool and headed back into the building.

Outside one of BubbaGramps buddies was taking a smoke break. He saw the fart walking back into the building said, “Where 're you going with that Tire tool?”

The fart answered,“I’m going in there to teach BubbaGramps a lesson!”

Dad’s buddy then said, “He’s going to take that thing away from you and shove it up your ass.”

The guy stopped. He looked at the tire tool. He looked at the buddy. Then he turned around, walked to his car, got in it, and went home.

[Chronos]

When I saw the thread title, my first thought was to that Delenn quote, too.

And Tranquilis, there seem to be a lot of those moments in Girl Genius. Best not to get on a spark’s bad side.

[Argent_Towers]

From Dune:

“Remedy this situation, restore spice production, or you will live out your life in a pain amplifier!”

We don’t know what a pain amplifier is, but we know that you can fit inside it, and that you can be made to spend the rest of your life inside it. Which sounds very scary.

[Malthus]

I always thought the response of King Harold Godwinson to the Norwegian invaders was the ultimate in (justified) threat.

‘You much land do you offer my ally, Harald Hardrada, for peace?’

‘Six feet of good English earth, or perhaps a bit more, for he is taller than other men …’

[muldoonthief]

From “Secondhand Lions”, Robert Duvall talking to a punk who just tried to take his barbecue:

“Who do you think you are old man?”

Grabs punk by throat - “Hub McCann. I’ve fought two World Wars and countless smaller ones on three continents. I’ve led thousands of men into battle with everything from horses and swords to artillery and tanks. I’ve seen the headwaters of the Nile and tribes of natives no white man has ever seen before. I’ve won and lost a dozen fortunes, killed many men, and loved only one woman with a passion that a flea like you could never begin to understand. That’s who I am.”

Then proceeds to wipe the floor with the punk & his 3 friends.

[Oakminster]

From True Grit:

Rooster Cogburn: I aim to kill you in one minute, Ned. That, or see you hanged in Ft. Smith at Judge Parker’s convenience. Which’ll it be?

Nasty Ned Pepper: I’d call that bold talk for a one-eyed fat man.

Rooster Cogburn: Fill yore hand, you sonuvabitch!

(charges, reins in teeth, rifle in right hand, pistol in left, despite 4 on 1 odds)

[silenus]

“I am created Shiva, the Destroyer; Death, the Shatterer of Worlds. The dead night tiger made whole by the Master of Sinanju. Who is this dog meat that dares challenge me?”

-Remo Williams, countless times

[thelurkinghorror]

From real life:

Ottoman Sultan Mehmet IV wrote a letter to Ivan Sirko, leader of the Zaporozhian Cossacks, demanding he submit:

@Mehmet IV

As the Sultan; son of Muhammad; brother of the Sun and Moon; grandson and viceroy of God; ruler of the kingdoms of Macedonia, Babylon, Jerusalem, Upper and Lower Egypt; emperor of emperors; sovereign of sovereigns; extraordinary knight, never defeated; steadfast guardian of the tomb of Jesus Christ; trustee chosen by God himself; the hope and comfort of Muslims; confounder and great defender of Christians—I command you, the Zaporozhian Cossacks, to submit to me voluntarily and without any resistance, and to desist from troubling me with your attacks.

Sirko’s reply:

@Ivan Sirko

    Zaporozhian Cossacks to the Turkish Sultan!

    Thou art a turkish imp, the damned devil's brother and friend, and a secretary to Lucifer himself. What the devil kind of knight art thou that cannot slay a hedgehog with your naked arse? The devil shits, and your army eats. Thou a son of a bitch wilt not ever make subjects of Christian sons; we have no fear of your army, by land and by sea we will battle with thee, fuck thy mother.

    Thou art the Babylonian scullion, Macedonian wheelwright, brewer of Jerusalem, goat-fucker of Alexandria, swineherd of Greater and Lesser Egypt, Armenian pig, Podolian villain, catamite of Tartary, hangman of Kamyanets, and fool of all the world and underworld, a fool before our God, a grandson of the Serpent, and the crick in our dick. Pig's snout, mare's arse, slaughterhouse cur, unchristened brow, screw thine own mother!

    So the Zaporozhians declare, you lowlife. Thou wilt not even be herding Christian pigs. Now we shall conclude, for we don't know the date and don't have a calendar; the moon's in the sky, the year in the book, the day's the same over here as it is over there; for this kiss our arse!

    Koshovyi Otaman Ivan Sirko, with the whole Zaporozhian Host.

Repin made a painting about it. You can just imagine them arguing over it, saying “add a few more fucks!”

---

I suppose we could also add the “to the pain” speech from “The Princess Bride.” Of course, the “with-backup” part is mostly implied.

Prince Humperdinck: First things first, to the death.
Westley: No. To the pain.
Prince Humperdinck: I don’t think I’m quite familiar with that phrase.
Westley: I’ll explain and I’ll use small words so that you’ll be sure to understand, you warthog faced buffoon.
Prince Humperdinck: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.
Westley: It won’t be the last. To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose.
Prince Humperdinck: And then my tongue I suppose, I killed you too quickly the last time. A mistake I don’t mean to duplicate tonight.
Westley: I wasn’t finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your right.
Prince Humperdinck: And then my ears, I understand let’s get on with it.
Westley: WRONG. Your ears you keep and I’ll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, “Dear God! What is that thing,” will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.
Prince Humperdinck: I think you’re bluffing.
Westley: It’s possible, Pig, I might be bluffing. It’s conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I’m only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But, then again… perhaps I have the strength after all.
[slowly rises and points sword directly at the prince]
Westley: DROP… YOUR… SWORD!

[pinkfreud]

From Doctor Who (“The Christmas Invasion”):

**By the ancient rites of combat, I forbid you to scavenge here for the rest of time. And when you go back to the stars and tell others of this planet, when you tell them of its riches, its people, its potential, when you talk of the Earth, then make sure that you tell them this…

…it is defended! **

[Chronos]

Which brings to mind

You cannot pass. I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. You cannot pass. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udun. Go back to the Shadow! You cannot pass.

Do I really need an attribution?

[Der_Trihs]

We don’t know who these murdering raping bastards are that we put here. Don’t much care either. If there are any more of you out there, be warned. This area is now under the protection of the UMWA. If you try to harm or rob anybody we will kill you. There will be no further warning. We will not negotiate. We will not arrest you.

You will simply be dead.
We guarantee it.
Go ahead. Try us.

1632, written on a sign atop a mass grave
“You will never touch the boy” she said, nearly in a whisper. “You will never think about touching the boy. Because if you do… you will wonder why your friend, death, took so long to find you.” - Empire’s End
“Bring on your army, Matthew and Alexandra, and I’ll show them all the awful things I’ve learned to do since I died.” - Jacob’s ghost, The Man With The Golden Torc
“The powers that I may wield are vaster than those of many gods that humans have worshiped. There is not a man I meet but I could take his life. There is not a world I pause on that I could not lay waste utterly, or remake as I choose. I am the Lord God, or as much of one as either of you is likely to ever encounter.” : Tuf Voyaging; Tuf’s response to the assertion that he didn’t have the power to back up his threats.
“Please accept my assurances that no personal animosity of any kind is intended towards any of you. Nonetheless it appears, unfortunately that I must now go forth and destroy your respective worlds. Perhaps you would like to draw straws, to determine where I might best start.” : Tuf Voyaging.
The Presidio: “All right. If I fight you, it’s only going to be with my right thumb. My left thumb is much too powerful for you.”

• <Sean Connery proceeds to beat thugs up using only his right thumb>*

[Miller]

I also thought of the Delenn quote as soon as I saw the thread title.

@Chronos

And Tranquilis, there seem to be a lot of those moments in Girl Genius. Best not to get on a spark’s bad side.

Gil does seem to get the best ones, though, doesn’t he? Here’s one of my faves, followed by a demonstration of just how serious he really is.

Shakespeare puts some great ones in the mouth of Henry V. After being slighted by the French ambassador in Act I:

But tell the Dauphin I will keep my state,
Be like a king and show my sail of greatness
When I do rouse me in my throne of France:
…
And tell the pleasant prince this mock of his
Hath turn’d his balls to gun-stones; and his soul
Shall stand sore charged for the wasteful vengeance
That shall fly with them: for many a thousand widows
Shall this his mock mock out of their dear husbands;
Mock mothers from their sons, mock castles down;
And some are yet ungotten and unborn
That shall have cause to curse the Dauphin’s scorn.

And later, to the governor of beseiged Harfleur:

Therefore, you men of Harfleur,
Take pity of your town and of your people,
Whiles yet my soldiers are in my command;
Whiles yet the cool and temperate wind of grace
O’erblows the filthy and contagious clouds
Of heady murder, spoil and villany.
If not, why, in a moment look to see
The blind and bloody soldier with foul hand
Defile the locks of your shrill-shrieking daughters;
Your fathers taken by the silver beards,
And their most reverend heads dash’d to the walls,
Your naked infants spitted upon pikes,
Whiles the mad mothers with their howls confused
Do break the clouds, as did the wives of Jewry
At Herod’s bloody-hunting slaughtermen.
What say you? will you yield, and this avoid,
Or, guilty in defence, be thus destroy’d?

[Maiira]

O-ren Ishii’s speech to the yakuza in Kill Bill: Vol. 1

[after she cuts off Tanaka’s head for insulting her heritage, in Japanese] So you all will know the seriousness of my warning, I shall say this in English.
[in English] As your leader, I encourage you from time to time, and always in a respectful manner, to question my logic. If you’re unconvinced that a particular plan of action I’ve decided is the wisest, tell me so, but allow me to convince you and I promise you right here and now, no subject will ever be taboo. Except, of course, the subject that was just under discussion. The price you pay for bringing up either my Chinese or American heritage as a negative is… I collect your fucking head. Just like this fucker here. Now, if any of you sons of bitches got anything else to say, now’s the fucking time!

Badass.

[AClockworkMelon]

In Gran Torino, a couple of guys are harassing Sue and Walt arrives on the scene.

Guy harassing Sue: “What are you looking at old man?”
Walt, as he pulls out a gun: “Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while that you shouldn’t have fucked with? That’s me.”

I was sort of skeptical that Eastwood would be capable of pulling off the tough guy act, as old as he is, and this movie was a pleasant surprise.