My mother (all five foot nothin’ of her) would always use, “I’m gonna rip off your leg and beat you to death with the bloody stump.”
or “I’m gonna kill you and tell God you died”.
I tend to use both when I’m stressed.
Some of my favorites from from Talledega Nights.
“SHUT UP OR I WILL APE-SHIT ON YOUR ASS!”
“I’M GONNA COME AT YOU LIKE A SPIDER MONKEY!!”
My father would threaten to send us “up the pike.” Some nameless exit on the Ohio Turnpike, where he would toss us out without the toll.
I find the fulfilled threat by far the most effective. Especially in preventing future conflict.
Example: I had a coworker (cube neighbor) who listened to tunes on his earphones and flicked his pencil against the edge of the desk. Asking him to stop evoked true contrition, he was sadly unaware that he KEPT DOING IT!!! This was actually only one of a group of seriously annoying things he did, which everyone, even to the farthest end of the room, was annoyed and distracted by. But it was the pencil on which I decided to focus my wrath.
I finally told him that if he didn’t stop I was going to begin flicking him with paper clips at random points for a week. This being Wednesday, I think he figured he had only two and a half days of pain to endure. No. At random points, for five full business days, I flicked paper clips at him (I’m a mean shot with a rubber band, the tips of his ears were really quite raw by the end of it.)
It was just petty enough that he was forced to try and “be a good sport” plus, he’d been warned, and had transgressed, which he couldn’t deny. But before it was over the torture was really getting to him. And he never flicked a pencil again. Further, in future if he tried the “honestly sorry, can’t help it” crap with me I had only to raise an eyebrow at him. Not even raise it, just twitch a single hair on a single eyebrow by the tiniest fraction of a millimeter . . and he knew I was serious, and the “Gosh I’m sorry/do it again” routine was not going to work with me.
In the end most of these behaviors are passive aggression. So the only useful tool is an object lesson. The punishment must fit the crime perfectly, and be fiendishly mild, to be effective.
i once threatened an ex-friend with ignoring him for the rest of my life if he patted my head again. Now you know why he got that “ex-” in front of “friend.”
My mother’s best friend once threatened Mom with ending the friendship unless Mom thanked me for all the housework and Mom-caring I did in my tween and teen years. They’re still friends.
At work when things aren’t going well and someone feels like going postal, we say we’re going to go up on the roof with throwing stars. It’s non-threatening enough that we don’t get dragged off by the police, but it lets everyone else in the group know that we’re at the end of our ropes. And it sort of diffuses some of the tension/anger/frustration to picture yourself standing on the roof flinging throwing stars at passersby, or, even better, at the flock of geese that likes to hang out in the parking lot.
So…I was reaading some Shakespeare today, and let me tell you, that old guy had some interesting insults.
My favourite was, after a long slanging match that is so far up to “Thou art a liar!”
Which was, apparently effectively, parried with “And thou art a senator.”
OMG, noooooo…!!! Not a senator!!
Also, from the Illiad, written by another famous dead male, Homer (NOT Homer Simpson):
“…Else we will be regarded as nincompoops!”
So there you go. Stick some nice, antiquated insults into *your *speech, Today!
[John Cleese as French soldier]
Go AWAY or I will fart in your general direction!!
Go AWAY or I will taunt you again!!
[/John Cleese as French soldier]
I will CUT YOU. (I would never.)
Or my favorite from Firefly: “I swear by my pretty pink bonnet, I will end you.”
I’m going to build a shoe store in your ass, and stomp out cigarettes on the carpet.
A few suggestion for non-violent folks:
“I will destroy your credit rating.”
“I will upload pictures of you in a swimsuit.”
“When you sneeze I will not say ‘bless you’, thus allowing evil spirits to possess you.” (hey that rhymes!)
My high School German teacher one time threatened:
My parents always favored, “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out!” which I believe they credited Bill Cosby with. The drawback to it is that you can only use it on children you have made. I threaten to sit on people when they annoy me. This will not work if you are skinny, or threatening someone who will take it in a dirty way.
I have been know to mention that I’ll be taking a trip to [which ever sales market that is driving me batty] with a length of rebar for some attitude readjustment.
Silly Dad Threat:
You kids straighten up or I’m gonna list you on Ebay!
My mother used to threaten to take me back to the doctor that delivered me.
I tell my son I’m going to trade him in on a dog … and kick the dog.
I’ve also been known to use odd and off-the-wall threats on friends. Whatever comes to mind. None of those are serious.
Mine is usually more like “Could you do such and such or I’ll just keep making this noise” ::something akin to the most annoying noise in the world from Dumb and Dumberer.
“I’ll pop your eyeballs out and skull fuck you.”
I like to stick to the classics.
That can get you in a lot of trouble in todays army.
I tell people “You don’t want to know whatI’m capable of doing to you right now. Seriously.”
I also paraphrase Blackadder by holding up a pencil and telling them that an eternity with Beelzebub and all of his hellish legions will be paradise compared to what I might I do in 3 minutes with his pencil."
But then if I actually get really mad, I Hulk out. Which as my wife tells people is something they do not want to see.
<cough>floral bonnet<cough>
What??!??
