The one where you discuss what happens when they pass on. I realize that wills are a good instrument for writing down what you want in general terms, but to me that doesn’t seem enough.
The other day my mother and I drove by a cemetery where an acquaintance of hers was buried, and she mentioned that the woman had been buried next to her husband. It occured to me then that I had no idea where my mother would want to be buried, if at all.
So I asked her, which felt a little strange, but I said, “You know, it’s weird to ask but… What do you want when you go?”
She wants to be cremated, and have her ashes taken to Thailand. That’s pretty much what I figured, and likely what I would have done had she not told me, but it was good to know for sure.
But it made me wonder how many people have this conversations with their families? I have yet to discuss it with my Dad, and somehow I think it would be harder to bring up with him (maybe because I am a lot more worried about his health than my mom’s).
Have you discussed it with your families? What they want to happen, what you want to happen?
On a side but somewhat related note, when widow(er)s remarry and pass away, and they had a plot reserved with their first spouse, what happens? Do all three share a plot eventually?
My grandfather recently died and was buried under a headstone that bears his and his 3rd wife’s name. Beside it are the headstones of his 1st and 2nd wife and their dates along with his name and birthdate - {blank}. So he got his name on 3 headstones.
Both of my parents are still alive, so we haven’t discussed it, as unless they die together in some freak accident, I’ll take my cues from what the survivor does to the first to go. Unless of course they piss me off, in which case I’m torn between one of two ideas:
Saving money by buying a single burial plot and just stacking them on top of each other. First to die gets the premium “bottom” position.
Our family’s had that talk. Mom (55 years old now) is having her body donated to science and then the remains after that “cremated or whatever”. Our family’s always had the mindset that when we’re dead, that’s it. Hopefully science can learn a little something.
As for the will, my mom made me the executor of the will much to the chagrin of my older sister. The money is evenly split and then everything after that (the houses, the cars, paintings, et al) is put up for auction between us kids but everything has to be pretty much equal between us kids.
A funny sidetrack here. My uncle passed away and left a videotape with my cousin to be played with the whole family gathered at his house. He talked about all of the wonderful memories he had with the whole family and said he was leaving the house to his only son (my cousin). He had, however, buried a large sum of money in the backyard and left shovels for all of his brothers and sisters. My aunt, to this day, wishes she would’ve had someone videotaping the mad dash and subsequent dirt flying everywhere as the backyard was quickly ransacked. That’s the way I’d like to go too.
We just had the talk this weekend. They really have it all planned out. Plot purchased, headstone made–the works. My dad did rather floor me by showing me the jar where their previous dog’s ashes are kept, along with a matching one which will hold the current dog’s ashes when she goes. The odd part (which he acknowledged) is that they want one dog’s ashed mixed with each of theirs before they are buried. I was so startled that I’m not sure I caught which dog is supposed to go with whom.
When we arranged my father’s funeral at the time he died, we bought two plots, one for him, one for my mother. She prepaid all the arrangements for her funeral at the time she set up Dad’s arrangements. I’m the executor of her estate, along with her new husband’s. I only agreed to that as long as they told my siblings ahead of time what their wishes were. Jim, my mother’s second husband, bought a plot next to Mother’s and Dad’s. Jim was a friend of my father’s since high school and lost his first wife to cancer also.
My grandmother died in the 1960s. My grandfather remarried in the 70s, to a widow, and died in the 90s. His wish was to be cremeted, have the ashes divided, and buried twice, once for each wife.
Having typed that out, I’m now having giggle fits trying to envision the burial planning for some people I know of. “So, 1/5th goes over here with 1/3rd of wife 1. 1/5th goes over there with 1/2 of wife number 3. 2/5ths go here with wife 2 and 4 (they remarried). The other fifth? It gets sprinkled across the Wriggly Field, his TRUE love.”
I feel like I’ve been having this conversation perpetually with my mother for as long as I can remember.
Every time we know someone, or know of someone, who dies, my mother provides a running commentary on the various death-related arrangements, usually ending with “of course, the burial is at Holy Cross.” with an expression on her face that says “… at Holy Cross, like all good people.” Or, if for some unexplained reason, they are NOT in fact buried at Holy Cross, she will comment on that with plenty of eye-rolling, along the lines of " … the burial is at Mt. Olive. I guess Holy Cross isn’t good enough for SOME PEOPLE."
I think we’re good to go with Holy Cross.
As to her stuff, she has a will, but the real instructions are written on post-it notes that are attached directly to the various objects. I’m not even kidding here. It’s too much effort to remove the post-its and then put them back on, so the table is set for Thanksgiving dinner with the family china WITH POST IT NOTES ATTACHED to the significant pieces that provide information about the approximate value, whether or not it is part of a set that should stay together, and who should have the right of first refusal.
With my dad, no. His death was too sudden. My parents already had plots and headstones picked out as a Veterans benefit, but as far as the rest, that was left to my mother’s discretion. We all regret not having his organs harvested, we know that’s probably what he would have wanted, but we waited for my brother to come home from college, and by the time he got in, it was too late to salvage anything useful.
With my mom, yes. Three days before she passed away. The finality of that conversation was…sobering, to say the least.
My mom has had “the talk” with my sisters and and me. She basically told us that she had arranged everything in advance, paid for it and gave us the card of the person we are to call. She will be buried beside her first husband, our father. Her second marriage was not a good one and she divorced. Her third husband was a wonderful man and she and his children buried him beside their mother when he died.
She had this inscribed on Daddy’s stone:
“Say not goodnight but in some brighter clime bid me goodmorning.”
On hers we will inscribe:
“Goodmorning”
She is very upfront about being prepared and wanting us to be ok. She has also taken the habit of giving us anything of hers we admire…such as jewelry, special china, etc. That is a little disconcerting. We have to be careful with our compliments.
After taking Wills/Trusts/Estates last semester I mentioned in passing to my father that I hope he updated it since my sister and I both reached majority and my father realised that his most recent will was a holograph from Quebec from when my sister and I were still minors. He and mom promptly went out and had new ones done up…they looked up an alumnus of my lawschool in their area (which I thought was kind of cute). My parents ended up appointing me their executor and my sister (the doctor) their health care proxy. I don’t know, I’m happy that they have faith in me but I worked in estate planning last semester and I saw a number of family executors who were so distraught over their parents’ deaths that they just left the estates open for inordinately long periods of time…sometimes I felt like I had a casebook estate on my hand.
My mother had occasion to witness the slow decline of her own mother (G-d rest her soul), and this prompted quite a few discussions in our family. She made no bones about not wanting to be “a burden” on the family, so if she is ever incapacitated, she’s made her wishes known.
My mom wants to be cremated and divided up among my brother, me, and other interested and surviving family, but after that, it’s up to us where the ashes go.
She’s also talked to us about how her posessions and property will be distributed, and she’s updated her will regularly as we’ve gotten older.
When I turned 18, my parents told me they were naming me executor of their estate (a bit of a surprise since I’m the youngest child). They additionally bring up the topic whenever they go off on a trip. It’s pretty much old hat now:
“Azul, in case something happens…”
“Yes, yes. You and Dad get cremated and your ashes intermingled, then interred so you can be together for eternity, gotcha. Now, please pass the salt.”
I might come off as a litle flippant there, but we all actually have a very good outlook on this eventuality. Mom finds it riotously funny that my sister and I have already divvied up their possessions. Whenever she or Dad gets something new, she asks me if I want to attach a little sticky note with my name on it (ala that one Frasier episode).
It gives them peace of mind to know that many of their things are already slated to become family heirlooms. And, perhaps more important, that no one in the surviving family is going to squabble over their stuff when they die (thank goodness for differences in taste).
I am taking Wills/Trusts/Estates right now and I feel like I am studying what could go wrong with my parents’ will every day. So every once in a while when I am talking to one of them I’ll say, “You did sign it, right? On the bottom? With at least two disinterested witnesses? In the same room? And they saw you sign it? And you saw them sign it? And they read the clause? Ah, right then.”
I have been nudging them to let me see their will just to be sure everything is okay. They have been humoring me. I’m just a big worry-wart about things like that.
I once had the displeasure of attending a funeral where the entire family was squabbling about what they wanted of the deceased’s possessions. Because both of her children were minors, they didn’t have the slightest clue of what their rights were. So I got to watch while their aunts and uncles and the deceased’s boyfriend plundered all of their possessions. Back then I didn’t know anything either, so even though I knew it was all wrong I didn’t know how to stop it. Now I know you can call the police and replevin that stuff.
So I want everything to be nice and organized when my parents go. I don’t want that to happen for a good forty years yet, of course, if not fifty. See, one of my brothers is an awful person. I can just see him showing up at my parents’ house and filling a van with heirlooms and all of my mother’s jewelry. He took most of the good stuff that I had when I went away to college and my parents didn’t say boo, so I know he would have no compunction against doing it to them. I don’t want their funeral to be a fight over who gets what. I want it to be about what it should be about – namely celebrating their life and acheivements.
Even though it weirds me out when my parents point out things like where their u-store-it is located and whom they want to have an item, I am the executor and I really should know that so everything will be nicely respectful when they do pass away. Every daughter or son should know about their parents’ wishes for the same reason. You don’t want it to end up as a painful mockery of a funeral.
I just called my mom for the full story. One of my aunts, Rita, found it. “She was like a pig getting a truffle” Mom said. The money, about $10K in cash, was buried in a Folger’s canister about 2 feet down. I was wrong about one fact, it was my cousin who had withdrawn the money from the bank and then buried it towards the end of my uncle’s life (it was a short battle with cancer). Rita, in an attempt not to make too big of a wedge in the family by finding it, took the lion’s share and then divided up the remainder to her sisters and brothers.
