Have You Pissed Your Pants Yet, World?

The BBQ Pit
1

You. You bastard. You just threw a mug and hit the biggest, meanest, drunkest, stupidest guy in the bar.

That would be me.

I, in turn, have broken a bottle of Jack Fucking Daniels on said bar, and I’m looking around to see who’s gonna get it first. Who did this?

I see down at the end of the bar that little fuck who stole my notebook and photocopied it before he gave it back. “Ooh, I want to help,” he says. “But only if you help me get back Taiwan.” Fuck that motherfucker.

You’re on my shit list, fink. Sit the fuck back down.

Oh, and look at that prick with the funny moustache. Didn’t I kick the ever lovin’ shit out of you ten years ago, pussy? How’s your baby milk factory? Tonight I might just fuck you up and steal your wallet. Because I can.

And look over there–it’s that fucker in the bathrobe with the rhinocerous-handled pocket knife that proves he’s a man. You ripped my pants just last year, bitch, and I ain’t done nothing about it yet. I think I might have been too big about it then, and right about now looks like a good time to tango.

And who are these pricks, standing in a crowd, hiding someone? I try to get through you to get to the guy who knocked me on the head, and you’re gonna declare a holy war on me? I will fucking kill you, all of you, just for getting in my goddamned way, you kneel-down-to-pee fucks!

Maybe they’re first. Maybe they’re next. Maybe I’ll take 'em all on, and burn down the whole goddamned bar if I can’t beat everyone’s ass at once. I own this fucking bar.

And I haven’t yet decided what I’m gonna do, because I don’t know who threw the mug. That makes you all targets in my eyes.

Are you scared yet? You should be, because I don’t even know what I’m gonna do myself. All I know is, someone’s gonna be seeing the dentist tomorrow. If you’re lucky. You think I was an asshole before?

Just watch me now.

2

To all of those who were wondering just what the fuck me and the rest of the loony left are worried about, it’s this: a country with the foreign policy of a mean drunk.

3

I got your back, dude. I’ll take that shady looking motherfucker who keeps looking at me with those envious eyes. Apparently he likes my house. He doesn’t know that nobody fucks with me in my house.

Let’s get 'em. :wink:

4

Don’t fuck with a pissed off drunk, matt. Don’t they teach you anything in Canada?

5

I’ll be the first to say that a bump on the head isn’t provocation enough to weild the broken bottle…

However, when a big fuckin’ crate of mugs lands on my house and crushes my family, it’s clobberin’ time!

Yep, that’s me! The hacked-off guy in a kilt holding a bar stool like a bat.

Come get some mutherfucker! :mad:

–== grrrr… ==–

6

I’ve always found, in my many years as a bartender, that the, “biggest, meanest, drunkest, stupidest guy in the bar” is actually the easiest person to defeat- their stupidity and drunkeness get in the way of an effective fight.

Why don’t we wait for you to get sober. Then you’ll be something scary to worry about.

7

I’d like to think of us as more of a John Wayne cowboy type rather than the mean, drunk, stupid type. You know, knock the bad guy flat on his ass, along with anyone who gets in his way, but make sure the innocent women-folk are out of the way first…

8

I can never tell when Sofa is being sarcastic or not. He’s so goddamned subtle with it that it just slides by me.

But by God, either way, he’s brilliantly insightful and beautifully articulate.

9

I ,aslo, got shoved way left with matt_mcl. I am thoroughly convinced (and am rarely wrong) that the terrorists intention was to anger the

and get a reaction like the one that is sure to come - that reaction being the death of people who were simply trying to dance.

quote me on it.

-Dan

10

It’d be nice, but he’s my neighbour, and he keeps waking me up in the morning taking potshots at passing cars and whaling on his kids.

11

Oh, yeah, this is great - “Kill 'em all and let God sort them out.”

Funny, if you replace “God” with “Allah,” guess who you got?

Have we seen the enemy? Are they us? :rolleyes:

I rather like the “sleeping dragon” metaphor - strong, confident, and deadly when provoked, yet still striking surgically, quickly, efficiently, using just enough effort to kill what bothers it and terrify those who would think about bothering it.

Esprix

12

Hm…a surgical dragon…neat! :slight_smile:

13

Yeah, I dunno–surgical dragons? My impression of dragons was always that if you pissed them off they’d lay waste to the whole countryside.

How about a rattlesnake? It’s indigenous; it’s basically peace-loving (well, unless you’re a rat–but that’s not really where I want to go with this metaphor)–in fact, it warns you off from messing with it; but when provoked it’s quite venomous. At the same time, it won’t hunt down and kill your innocent wife and children or massacre the neighbors–it’ll just bite you. And there’s ample historical precedent for the image, too.

Of course, this particular rattlesnake has grown up quite a bit in the last couple of centuries, to the point where it’s kind of a cross between a regular rattlesnake, and that world-encircling serpent from Norse mythology.

14

The only problem with the Rattlesnake thing is, most rattlers won’t actually kill you. You’ll prolly lose a limb though. How about an Inland Taipan? They aren’t too agressive, and AFAIK they are the deadliest snake in the world…no rattle, but damn cool either way :smiley:

15

I don’t have anything nasty to say. But I do know this is a very dangerous situation the world is in.

My dad said that the U S are going to shoot a billion dollar missile at a 2 dollar situation. There ain’t nothing getting into those mountains. I would not wear my fancy suit to go and step on some roaches who are hiding out in the deepest crevaces of a mountain range. I would have to go about it another way.

16

…And all of us have been drinking on the house for a long, long time.

So I’ll be over here, with a purse full of marbles to trip the bad guys up when they rush you, and a big ole cast iron frying pan to whack 'em on the head with.

17

Sofa - Interesting OP. Kind of not dissimilar to a notion I had about an ‘Osama Bin Ladin Death Pool’

“Strange days, indeed” - John Lennon

18

WALK SOFTLY AND CARRY A BIG STICK Teddy R.-style.

19

So fucking: what? Would you be so good as to indicate whether this was parody? It’s hard to tell round here these days, and it would be handy to know.

20

Here’s a hardy FUCK YOU to all the psuedo-intellectualls around here and everywhere else in this country (topping the list is “Aca-fucking-demia”) who have taken this opportunity to bitch about our foreigh policy, and say that we “had it coming” or created the situation ourselves.

Fuck you and your idealistic pipe dreams, and your holier-than-thou, superior fucking attituted. I care exactly
this || much about your complaints about the U.S. right now, and even less about your Political agendas, you rat bastards!

I’m not going to sit here and say that we are some kind World-Wide Charity drive, but damn, we do our share to help when possible, not just bring destruction without any regard for human sofforing. I’m so fucking tired of hearing you bastards parrot the exact words Saddam Hussein used minutes after the terror. Fuck you every which way from here to Bag-dad, go the fuck over to his house and tell him how sad you are about treatment his country recieved from the U.S., and how you would like to live peacefully in Bag-dad. Best wishes.

If you really like their policies better (which are what, by the way?) then please feel free.

But stop kickiking this country after the worst civillian disaster ever, and get your fucking priorities straight.

Sorry, had to get that off my chest.

Now, what about that cocksucker pointing and giggling in the corner? I think he should get some o’ this too.