I think Kalhoun wins.
Yeah. 
It’s not that you want to treat your life partner like a six year old, but when it gets to the point where your civilized life is on the line, you have to face the situation for what it is.
He threw her out and turned a gun on himself (though he didn’t follow through with that thought). It can get THAT ugly.
Belrix, I’m sorry to hear all that. It’s giving me a really bad feeling in my gut. Yes, ask her if she wants out. She’s certainly acting like she does. Have you talked to a divorce lawyer yet? Maybe you should, and bring the information to her in such a way that she understands that being responsible with money is not optional; it is required for the marriage to continue. If she is playing out some emotional/psychological damage of her own, she can do it in a way that doesn’t jeopardize the financial safety of your family.
I apologize for the harsh tone of my earlier post. I was (clumsily) trying to get you to examine what in your own personality caused you to be attracted to someone who is such a mess, and whether those same dynamics could be contributing to your current problems.
Anyway, what is dating for if not to have conversations about this kind of thing? You say that she “present(ed) the best side of (herself)” when you were dating. But the signs had to be there. Did you have serious talks about finances and long-term goals? Housekeeping styles? Division of labor? How did she handle her finances before they were mingled with yours?
I’d really like to know the answers to those questions - they aren’t rhetorical.
No marriage isn’t a business transaction, but “emotions & hopes (and good sex)” are a pretty shaky foundation. I’ve broken up with serious boyfriends because they were bad with money. Couples fight more about money than any other issue - IMO it’s crucial to marry someone with similar priorities. Love isn’t enough if you don’t share the same goals and values, and that includes financial goals and values.
I read this and think two things:
Are you married?
and
Thank god I didn’t marry you.
Do you honestly expect to go the rest of your life and never change? Do you honestly expect the person the day before the marriage is the exact same person the day after the marriage?
The only litmus test to a good marriage is waking up one morning XX years later and realizing you’re still together, and more than 50% happy. Hopefully, you’re a LOT more than half happy, but really, there’s no good indicator that the people, or the environment around the people won’t ever change, making marriage no longer a good idea.
I’m married (7 years with two kids…not very long, but still) and I totally agree with SusanStoHelit. As much as I loved my husband when we were dating (and still do), I would not have married him if he didn’t have a good work ethic, a reasonable responsibility with money, and similar goals to mine in terms of raising a family and building a life. I can’t imagine that he would have married me without the same criteria. Emotion by itself is a fine thing to base a fun dating relationship on, but it’s a terrible idea to get married to someone without having a lot more solid base than that. I’m certainly not saying that things can’t change over the years (or that things won’t be thrown your way that will bring up issues you hadn’t even thought of), but I really don’t think good marriages are based on luck.
I’m going to have to agree with Susan and C3 - you don’t date someone and not discuss the big issues (kids, money, religion, whatever is important to you) and hope they will just magically work out. You’re going to be going down the road together for a long time; you better figure out if you’re going in the same direction or not. Is that not romantic enough? Romance schmomance. I want a healthy, stable, fulfilling relationship, not moonlight and roses and unpaid bills and two people who really can’t get along.
And on submission I see that you’re saying that people grow and change, Unintentially Blank. People and circumstances change somewhat, but a person who is a certain way is not very likely to change completely. A deeply religious person is not likely to ever stop wanting their partner to become more religious, or someone who desperately wants kids is not going to stop wanting them because their partner doesn’t want them. These are dealbreakers we’re talking about here, not icing on the cake. My husband just grew a beard; I don’t like it much, but it really doesn’t matter to me. If he quit his job and decided not to work any more, we’d be having serious discussions about that.
You’re putting words in my mouth. However, I do believe that there are character traits that are relatively static by the time you are 23 and won’t change without major effort. Money management style is one of them. Anyway, you don’t marry someone irresponsible hoping that she will change into Mrs Dependable - that’s stupid.
Again, where did I say that people don’t change?
On preview, what featherlou said.
Having lived the last few years of my life, and having seen what factors can lead to divorce (if everybody’s libido kept up with their pre-marriage levels, there’d be very little screwing around). Having seen how traumatic events (like the loss of a child) can do to a person, and their marriage, I’m going to take a more pragmatic stance on the situation.
I nearly married the wrong person and the signals were there, ringing loud and clear, but most of them were only blatantly obvious in hindsight and it was a ‘happy coincidence’ that the relationship derailed when it did. That period of time is a person’s life is not one of logical thought and reflection. It should be, but it often isn’t. It’s very easy to chalk up a lot of stuff under ‘well, that’s just something you have to put up with in a mariage.’ If you even see the problems at all.
SusanStoHelit no words were placed in your mouth. You stated X (you should be able to accurately judge the person you marry. I stated Y (while you may judge that person accurately at the time, it doesn’t mean they’ll STAY the person you evaluated for marriage).
Bleah, this thread dredged up fabulous memories. Goddam spammers…