Having someone resent me by proxy

I’m not sure if this makes sense, but I have an acquaintence who frequently shows up at our family gatherings (he’s my sister-in-law’s long-time, live-in boyfriend) who seems to have sort of a passive-aggressive chip on his shoulder when I’m around.

He’s had sort of a sucky life, in that he’s in his late forties and divorced, stuck in a job that he hates, and has a rocky relationship with his teenage daughter. My own career isn’t a exactly a blazing success so far compared to where I feel I ought to be; but I enjoy my job at least, and apparently has a “professional” appearance he feels his job doesn’t. More importantly, I think he can see that my marriage is comparatively solid and I get along great with my preschooler.

That’s not to give myself any kind of credit – a lot of people have the same things and plus a more comfortable career & financial position, but all in all I’m pretty happy at home and enjoy spending time with my in laws for the holidays.

The only fly in the ointment is this guy – when I talk with him directly, he’s friendly enough, though he has kind of a tiresome prediliction for espousing conspiracy theories like vaccinations/autism and how big corporations are conspiring to put flouride in the water.

But it’s when I’m not talking with him that he just radiates these sulky self-pitying waves as he’s sitting on the couch, staring at the floor and hardly interacting with anyone, and I feel like he’s harboring some particular resentment for me as he sees me playing with my kid and being annoyingly affectionate with my wife. And this past Christmas, when I showed him the big playset I was setting up for my daughter, he just gave me this expressionless thousand yard stare and muttered, “nice.”

(He’s also the only other Westerner in the house, and has a hard time communicating with some other family members due to his limited Chinese language skills.)

It’s starting to kind of creep me out a little, and I wonder if he has some resentment toward me for having a bunch of things he’s missed out on. And given that his ex-wife went on to marry another foreigner in Taiwan and took over his role in their family business, I’m wondering if I’m sort of a stand-in for the guy he doesn’t want to confront (i.e., his daughter’s stepfather).

It’s a weird feeling – wondering what I can do about it, and whether the problem will get worse. Anybody else have this kind of experience?

Meh, some people are jerks. Whatever his problem is, remember- it’s *his *problem, not yours. People like this depend on you to care enough to make it *your *problem, so don’t. Stop caring so much what he’s doing and why he’s doing it. You can’t control how other people act. I know it’s easier said than done, so start practicing.

This sounds like a good place for empathy, IMHO. it does sound like he has a tough time of things, and it is hard to watch people who have something you’ve lost. I know it’s uncomfortable for you, but hey, at least you are not him. I’d keep trying to reach out to him (but do try to find subjects other than marriage and kids, which are obviously painful for him) and maybe you can give him some much-needed support or at least normal human interaction.

He might just be shy/quiet. When I was in college I was the kid that just kept to myself. I had my core group of friends that I was perfectly ‘normal’ around, but if they dragged me to a friends house or a bar or a party I became a wallflower. My friends would constantly get asked “Why does Joey hate me/Why doesn’t Joey like us/What’s his problem?” To this day, I still have to remind myself that when I’m around new people, being talkative and interacting with others will let me fade into the background more then just sitting there like a moron.
Of course, once I’ve met the same people a handful of times I come out of my shell and you’ll have a hard time shutting me up.

I’m guessing he’s just a shy or a bit socially awkward. You might ask your SIL something along the lines of “Is he this quiet at home?” and hope to get an answer along the lines of “No, he’s actually really talkative once he get’s to know people, he’s just quiet around you guys since he doesn’t know Chinese very well and he only sees you guys once in a while, that’s all” OTOH, the conspiracy theory stuff makes me wonder if there’s more going on than just being shy.

sven – Yeah, I know – I try to talk to him about some neutral subjects, and got him a Christmas present this year and last. And I know how much it sucks to be in a foreign country when you don’t really like what you’re doing in life, so I should use more of the old empathy as you say.

Alice – You’re right too, of course – the only reason it bothers me is because I’m letting it . . .

ETA: Joey – That may be part of it, though how much of it is fuelled by shyness and how much by paranoia I’m not sure.

IMHO it sounds like you’re making it about you by guessing what his motivations and thoughts are.

There could be any number of reasons he doesn’t feel comfortable in social situations with your family and most of them probably have nothing at all to do with you.

IME people think about us a lot less than we would ever imagine them to.

Maybe he’s just incredibly bored. It’s not his family. It could just be that every time you see him, you’re having a festive time with the family and he’s stuck at the in-laws.