I rekindled an old friendship with one of my brother’s ex-girlfriends. She was in a tight spot, so I loaned her money and gave her some of my furniture to start a new home. I felt it was the right thing to do and I was in a position to do it.
My brother ends up back in a relationship with her and moves in with her. They’re very happy and that’s great. Still, they’re always crying broke. Yet, they still go out to dinner a lot and spend a lot of money on food, because my brother is fricking picky about what he eats.
In the meantime, both of their cars are dead, so they use my father’s van, which my brother will get for free when my dad replaces it. I’m always hosting family dinners at my house, so the biddies in the family don’t have to knock themselves out with all the cooking and cleaning.
I guess I feel totally put out, since noone is interested in paying me back. I’m always out the expense for family dinners and geez, I pay for my car. Now I feel stupid for being generous, because they are living off the giving of others, rather than skipping dinner out. Cue frowny face.
Heh. Well, in about 15 seconds you’re going to get a whole load of posters telling you that nobody can take advantage of you without your implicit consent. So let me be the first.
Start saying no; say no as often as you need to to get rid of the victimized feeling.
My sister was the sponge in our family so I know why you’re resentful and it’s hard to be tough with family. It’s infuriating at times. It doesn’t help to face your parents if they criticize you for not helping.
The next time your brother says, “Hey, can you do me a favor?”, blurt out: “Why don’t you do ME a favor for a change?”
Stop hosting dinners, too. Sometimes people are lulled into the delusion that others always like playing host/hostess, simply because no one has ever volunteered them for that role. The next time family dinner comes up, say that you’re tired of doing it and you’d appreciate a break. The cheapskates may be surprised how much food they can cobble together with just a little effort, even if it’s just throwing in five bucks for a pizza. If it works out, you can suggest they do it again.
It’s not a competition. I host parties and events, because I like to. If the favor is returned, nice. If not, I still would host as I like it.
Your brother getting stuff from your folks isn’t taking anything away from you. You’re a grown up involved in sibling rivalry. If you don’t like something change it. That’s your right.
Otherwise, stop counting and just enjoy the social function
She hasn’t tried to pay me back anything. While I wouldn’t mind not hosting, it only forces my ageing family members to host. My family is particular about food and won’t go for the pizza thing very often. Someone has to be unselfish and it sure isn’t going to be my brother.
The sibling rivalry thing is there, it’s just another annoying factor. My parents insisted I work hard and be self sufficient and my brother gets things handed to him. It’s like having Peter Pan as a brother, without all the fun.
The lack of integrity is a huge deal for me. You blow that with me, you got nothing. Thank you for your replies, they are helpful.
Yet stolatt is still allowing himself/herself (sorry, I don’t know stolatt’s gender) to be guilted into accommodating his/her family’s mealtime neuroses–do they only eat liver pate and filet mignon, or something? Anyway, it doesn’t sound like the family respects him/her, either.
**Stolatt, **you can’t stop your parents from enabling your brother and his girlfriend to live beyond their means. But you can stop hosting the dinners. If your family and their weird foodiness isn’t something you enjoy, then stop hosting. It really is that simple. By putting your foot down, you’re not “forcing” anyone to host anything, you’re simply refusing to be used. Do you realize that when they impose on your hospitality and spend your money over and over again, they’re actually forcing YOU to do something? If they want only the best caviahhh, dahlink, then they can bloody well pay for it.
As an aside, what kind of parents expect their kid as host to provide all the food all the time? They should be bringing food if you’re good enough to open your home to them.
Re: the “loan”–unless you drew up loan documents and made her sign them with an explicitly understood repayment amount and schedule, you should have realized the money was a gift. Write it off as the cost of cutting the apron strings, and stop letting these vampires drain you dry… unless you subconsciously enjoy being embroiled in family drama, of course.