An old friend of mine has died. I haven’t seen him in 13 years and it’s been four years since we talked (insert longer explanation here).
Anyway, once upon a time, on some addled night 20 some years ago, I remember us saying, “Whoever dies first, the other fellow will wear a Hawaiian shirt to his funeral.” It was intended as a way of flipping off death and celebrating life.
And now Tom has died.
I’m worried about giving offense to his family if I wear a Hawaiain shirt to his funeral (with a nice sport coat, pants, etc.) I will be talking to his mom at the funeral, but I feel bad saying, “Tom said, wear this.”
It’s our home town and a Catholic funeral, so I’m sure there will be gossip. OTOH, I don’t give a !@##$, it’s a promise I made to a buddy.
I think it would be cool to wear that shirt. But, not knowing the family, I would call them in advance and explain. Also, if there is an opportunity to get up and speak a few words in front of the audience (for lack of a better word), I would discuss the shirt and the celebration of your friend’s life. Sorry for your loss.
Get a nice Hawaiian shirt. Wear it and remember your buddy as we would want you to.
If your uncomfortable, sit near the back or something.
Only explain the shirt of someone remarks about it. And someone might say “Hey nice shirt” in a non-sarcastic way.
I’m sorry for your loss.
take care
Absolutely, wear it. Wouldn’t you want him to have worn one at yours?
Much to the consternation of some of my other family members, I buried my mother in a fiery red dress because it was her favorite. I have never regreted it.
Another vote for “go for it.” I do like the idea of calling first to explain to the family. This assumes that Tom (and more importantly you) were/are on good terms with the family.
When my wife’s father passed, and we were discussing the services with the minister, we all decided the most significant way of celebrating the life of this gentle man was to tell some of his favorite jokes. The minister had some that FIL hadn’t told any of us before. The usually sedate and conservative congregation got the point and the jokes were a hit.
Funerals are for the living, IMO. And you would be honoring your friendship by keeping that foremost in your mind.
I believe funerals are more for the survivor than the deceased. If I thought it would seriously disturb a friend’s family, I probably wouldn’t wear the shirt.
On the other hand, funerals aren’t always totally somber, everyone-in-black occasions… A lot depends on the family. I would explain the promise to the closest surviving relative. If you get her blessing, the rest should fall in line. If not, hold a wake or go out afterward with some mutual friends who would appreciate the gesture.
Another vote for wearing it – another vote for calling his mom (or whoever) ahead of time, or getting a message to her somehow.
I would recommend making it a “tasteful” Hawaiian shirt – I have several, one of them a black background with palm trees, one bright red with pink flowers – I’d wear the black one, under a sportscoat, as you say.
I just ironed a nice Hawaiian shirt that will go good with black and a red pocket square. Unless I chicken out at the last minute, I will wear it.
I am not going to contact his family ahead of time. He was the prodigal son who never came home and (reasons which are true and relevant). I will see his family at the funeral and explain, they will understand.
Thanks again for your posts. I think that the SDMB can serve as a support group in that sometimes just posting something here can serve as a form of release.
And I’m not going to start the thread about the fact that since Tom was cremated, and I still have the cremated remains of the wonderful dog he gave me, they would both like to be buried together.
I say go for it, and in a lot of things I’m consevative. It would be a great gesture, espcially if the family understands.
One thing a funerals I don’t like is the soft music beforehand. I’ll be having a by-the-book funeral out of the Book of Common Prayer, but I have left instructions that the organist is supposed to play the loud, celebratory, Easter style music I like. You know, the kind where the organist has to use both hands for the stops and both feet for the pedals.
With either the shirt or the music, you have to figure, it’s the last chance the guest of honor will ever have to have something THEIR way. Wear the shirt.
I say wear the shirt. If you do get a chance to explain the story behind it, I’m sure people will find it touching, if not amusing.
We had a friend die from cancer last year. Ron insisted that his funeral not be a sombre affair. He wanted everyone to dress colourfully and to be happy and to celebrate his life. The number of Hawaiian shirts that were worn was amazing and it’s something I’ll never forget.
Wear it. People who don’t understand when you explain to them should be ignored. This was between you and your friend, not between you and Aunt Martha who is HORRIFIED about the shirt. It’s his funeral, not hers!
Though I do think it can’t hurt to take a more conservative shirt along just in case. You can just leave it in the car.
I’m sorry to hear about your friend. I LOVE the idea of wearing a Hawaiian shirt to the funeral.
Another vote for “go for it and wear the shirt.” It’s the way he would have remembered you if things had happened differently. Explain it if someone remarks upon it, but honor your friendship with Tom. I’m sorry for your loss.
If you do in fact chicken out at the last minute, and if it’s one of those open-casket funerals where you’re allowed to toss in a memento to be buried with the deceased, you could compromise by making the shirt a gift to “take with him” or whatever. Folded neatly, laid gently, say a few words, etc.
Wear the shirt. Explain it to the family, or better yet (as suggested), deliver some sort of eulogy mentioning the deal with your friend. If I had made such an arrangement, I’d follow through on it. It’s one of the last things you’ll ever be able to do for Tom.
It’s already in my will: Thout shalt have a party celebrating my life and what I accomplished; thou shalt have a good time seeing friends and family at my final shin-dig; and thou will enjoy the sounds of a “big band” and make requests at my final ‘going away’ party’.
I’ve already made sure of things. When I die, I’m making sure that people celebrate the life I was fortunate enough to lead, and making sure that people have a relatively good time in the knowledge that I was happy in the life I’ve lead. None of this ‘sorry he died’ shit.
And now that you mention it, I’m making it a point to mention Hawaiian shirts. It’s a celebration of life. Make it a point to celebrate.
Tripler
Van Halen[sub]with Dave[/sub] is in my will. You simply have to be there. . .
