Heard Any Good Jokes Lately?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

So, a bounty hunter moseys into the little town in the old west. “Say, there, Sherriff,” he says. “Ahm a bit short o’ cash. Got any varmints I kin round up fer yew?”

“Well,” says the sheriff, “There is one feller we shore would like brought in, but he’s a mite weird.”

“Weird? How?”

“Hmm, lessee. First of all, he wears a brown paper hat.”

“A brown paper hat???”

"Yep. An’ a brown paper shirt. An’ brown paper pants. "

“No!”

“Thass not all. He has a brown paper belt, brown paper boots, a brown paper holster, and a brown paper gun.”

“Golllleee. That shore is weird. Tell me, Sheriff, what’s 'e wanted fer?”

“Rustling.”

22

The following is my favorite joke of all time - it may be familiar to some of you as I’ve posted it before.

Two very proper, blue-blooded Southern ladies are in New York City on their annual shopping/theater trip. After a few Manhattans at lunch they’re feeling a little frisky so they decide to go the Village to see what’s happening. As they’re walking up the street they pass the Pink Pussy Cat Boutique.

“Oh, sugar, let’s go in,” says one.

“Oh, I could never,” says the other.

“Now Mary Virginia Mayhew, there’s not a soul in the world who’ll know and it’ll be fun. Let’s just go in for a second,” says blue-blood lady #1 (hereafter, BBL1).

So, they go in the store.

They get quite an eyeful. Crotchless panties, lots and lots of leather goods, slutty lingerie, movies, magazines - the entire range of adult material. They’re quite charming giggling like school girls and having the time of their lives.

Finally, they approach the counter and ask the clerk, “Excuse us, but what on earth are those things?”, pointing to the vibrators on the shelf behind the clerk.

“Those, ladies, are vibrators,” says the clerk.

“Oh, my” they both say, at once.

“Well, sugar, what do you do with them?” asks BBL#2.

“You use them to masturbate,” says the clerk.

The ladies turn bright crimson.

BBL#1 turns to BBL#2 and says, “I’m going to buy one. It just hasn’t been the same since Massey died, and I deserve a little fun. Young man, I’ll take that one there - the big black one. Yes, that one right there.”

BBL#2, emboldened by her friend, says, “And I’ll take that one there - the great big one. No, no – the next one over…the plaid one.”

The clerk says, “Excuse me, but that’s not a —”

BBL#2, “Now, now young man - I know what I want and I want that one.”

The clerk rings up the purchase and the ladies leave having had a wonderful time.

Later on, the night clerk comes in and asks the first clerk, “How was business?”

The clerk responds, “Not too bad. I managed to sell a black vibrator and my thermos.”

23

I was going to go see Tom Waits last night, but I got stuck in traffic and missed his set. I had hoped they might delay the start of the show, but you know what they say: Tom Waits for no man.

24

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar
having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and
says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.”

So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese”
The Collie says, “That’s not good enough.”

The Bulldog says, “I hate liver and cheese.”
She says, “That’s not creative.”

Finally, the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone, amigos…cheese mine.”

25

An elderly couple are in a clinic for the husband’s first consultation with a new doctor. While filling out the initial paperwork, the doctor asks the man, “Sir, what was the name of your previous physician?”

“Previous doctor? Hmmm… well… err. Previous doctor. I’m trying to think. What’s the name of that… plant?”

“Plant? Your doctor was Dr. Plant?”

“No, no. It’s a kind of plant. Smells really good.”

“Flower? Was it Dr. Flower?”

“No, that’s not it. It’s a kind of flower. It’s got those sharp things on it.”

“Thorns? Dr. Thorn?”

“No, it’s the kind of flower that’s got thorns.”

“Hmm… oh, was it Rose?”

The old man says, “That’s it!” He turns to his wife. “Rose, what was the name of my previous doctor?”

26

A man is lying on a bed in the hospital, suffering from a mysterious illness that none of the doctors can figure out, but have all agreed is going to take his life in a short time.

As he’s lying there in excruciating pain, his wife is holding his hand, comforting as best as she can. She’s caressing his cheek and his hand, looking down at him with loving concern, knowing that her husband is about to die.

The sick man looks up at his wife, obviously weak, and as tears roll down from his eyes, says, “Honey, I have something that I need to tell you.”

“What is it dear?”

“I had an affair with my secretary. I wanted you to hear it from me before I died.”

The wife leans over and kisses him on the forehead, and with a loving smile, says, “It’s okay dear. I know all about your affair. That’s why I poisoned you.”

cf’75

27

Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.
Q. What sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Go ask your mother.

28

Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: That’s not funny!!!

29

My favorite lightbulb joke:

How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None: the bulb must contain the seeds of its own revolution.

Daniel

30

Because I’m a bass player:

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to hold it in the socket and three to drink until the room spins.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The piano player can do it with his left hand.

Q: How many Nashville bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I - V - I - V - I - V …
Singers:

Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. He just holds it in the socket while the room revolves around him.

Q: How do you know when it’s the lead singer knocking on the door?
A: You can open the door for him but he still doesn’t know when to come in.

Q: What do you call a soprano who can sight read?
A: An alto.

Gotta acknowledge the drummers:

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six. One to screw it in and five to describe how much better Neil Peart could have done it.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, as long as the roadie fetches the bulb, sets up the ladder and holds it in the socket for him.

Q: How can you tell when the stage is level?
A: The drummer drools from both sides of his mouth.

Did you hear about the bass player who kept a pair of drumsticks on his dashboard so that he could park in handicapped spots?

Q: How do you get a drummer off your front porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.

Q: Why is a drum machine better than a real drummer?
A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once.
Guitarists?

Q: What do you call a guitar player with no girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

31

The first guy comes up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter says, “I know this sounds a little odd, but if you’ll say how much you made in your best year, we can get you to your proper place here in Heaven. Okay?”

The guy says, “Well, okay, I made $500,000.” Saint Peter says, “Very well, Doctor, the next limo will take you out to the golf course.”

Second guy, same story. “Well, okay, I made $300,000.” Saint Peter says, “Very well, Counselor, we don’t get many lawyers here, but the next limo will take you out to the ice skating rink.”

Third guy, same story. “Uh, well, I made $10,000.” Saint Peter says, “Is that so? What instrument did you play?”

32

How many male chauvinist pigs does it take toscrew in a light bulb?

Fuck her, let her cook in the dark!

33

Two more (bad) medical jokes.

A group of medical students are being shown around the locked psychiatric ward by the senior psychiatrist. Finally they come to the last room, where a man is goose-stepping and shouting loudly in German.

The senior doctor turns to the students and says “This patient is rather a puzzle, some days he believes himself to be a seductive siren from a Bizet opera, but other days, such as today, he thinks he’s a senior Nazi. What do you think might be the trouble?”

The first student says “It’s obvious, he’s a paranoid schizophrenic!”

“Nonsense”, replies the second student, “he’s obviously suffering from multiple personality disorder.”

“I’m afraid you’re both mistaken, he’s obviously a repressed transexual with megalomania!” retorts the third student.

“Sadly, you’re all wrong” says the senior doctor “His condition is still a mystery, all we can say with certainty is that he doesn’t know whether he’s Carmen or Goering!”

A man visits his doctor complaining of a variety of horrible symptoms.
After examining him briefly the doctor leaves the room and can be heard discussing the case with his colleagues. Suddenly there is a lot of hustle and bustle, and the man is surprised when he looks out the window to see everyone else leaving the building.

The phone on the desk rings, and the man, knowing he is the only one in the building, picks it up.

He’s astonished to hear his doctor’s voice on the other end of the line.

“I’m terribly sorry to tell you this, but you have the most contagious illness known to man, we’ve had to evacuate the building and seal you in. Don’t worry, we’ll be sending in lots of veal cutlets and pancakes though.”

The man is amazed that such simple dietary measures can cure such a serious illness, and tells the doctor so.

“Oh no!” replies the doctor “It won’t cure you, but they’re the easiest things to slide under the door!”

34

A young lady is tired of the local bar scene and wants to get a little more adventurous, so she goes down to the warf, hoping to meet for some exciting sailors. She sits down at the bar but no one really stands out. The few guys that hit on her are horrible. Finally a pirate walks in the bar, dressed in full pirate regalia with a ship’s wheel sticking out of his fly.
The lady watches him for a while as he slams down drinks and frequently adjusts himself. Finally her curiosity overcomes her trepidation and she moves over to a stool next to him.
“Excuse me, are you really a pirate?” she asks.
“Aye lassy, that I am. And a good one too,” he replies.
A few seconds of ackward silence fill the air before she inquires, “Is that a ships wheel sticking our of your pants?”
“Yar,” says the pirate, “and it’s driving me nuts.”

35

Not necessarily a joke, but it’s a rant from Dane Cook:

The other day I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone. I ran up and smashed it into his face. I leaned in and said, “You are going to remember me forever”, then I ran away.
Cause you know when he’s 50 he’s going to say, “One day a man ran up to me. I did not know this man. He smashed my treat into my eyes. And he pointed at me and said ‘You will fucking remember me forever’.”
But I did not say ‘fucking’. That man is a liar.

36

An old lady with the shakes walks into an adult “book store” and approaches the counter.

“Can I help you?” the clerk asks.

Trembling violently, the old lady responds, “Do-o-o you-ou se-e-ell vibra-a-ators he-e-ere?”

“Yes, we have quite an assortment,” he says.

“Do-o-o you-ou-ou ha-a-ave one tha-at’s bla-a-ack and about 12 in-inches lo-o-ng?” she asks.

“Yes, ma’am.” he replies patiently. “Would you like me to get one for you?”

“No-o-o tha-a-anks,” she says, nearly losing her balance. “Ca-an you-ou ju-u-ust te-e-ell me-e-e how-ow to-o-o tu-u-urn it o-o-off?”

37

It’s the first day on the job for the new bus driver on Sesame Street. He’s really looking forward to starting work and meeting all the interesting people on his route. At his first stop, a very large woman gets on the bus and says, “Hi, I’m Patty. You must be the new bus driver.” She goes and takes a seat in the middle of the bus. Well, the driver thinks, not terribly interesting, but not too bad either.

At the next stop, another very large woman gets on, with a little boy in tow. She also introduces herself. “Hi, I see you’ve already met Patty. My name is Patty too, and this is my son, Ross.” They take seats just behind the driver. As the bus begns moving down the street, Ross jumps on the driver, wets his finger in his mouth, and shoves it in the driver’s ear.

“Lady, get your fucking retarded son off me!” the driver yells.

“My son Ross isn’t retarded, he’s special!” she shoots back. She grabs her son by the hand and they move to seats nearer to the back of the bus. The driver says to himself, I hope that doesn’t happen too often.

At the next stop, a man in a suit gets on. The man introduces himself as Lester Sleaze, and greets the new driver with a handshake. Huh, the driver thinks, that’s a funny name, but at least he seems normal. Until, a few blocks later, he looks in the rearview mirror and sees the man with his shoes off, picking at the bunions on his feet.

The driver has had it at this point. He thought working on the Sesame Street bus route was going to be fun, but all his passengers are turning out to be freaks. he can’t wait to get to the end of the route and quit, so he starts speeding and skipping the rest of his stops. At one point he takes a corner on two wheels, and before you know it, blue lights are flashing behind him. He pulls over, and the cop comes up to ask what’s going on.

“What’s going on?” shouts the frazzled driver. “Do you know what I have here? I have two obese Patties, special Ross, Lester Sleaze picking bunions on the Sesame Street bus!”

38

What do you have when you hold two little green balls in your hand?

Kermit’s attention!

39

An African-American customer told this one to me and anybody else who would listen:

Q: What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A: Pfft! A pilot, you racist!

40

My favorite joke ever was from this board.

Q: How do you sell a duck to a deaf guy?

A: DO YOU WANNA BUY A DUCK?