How do you keep a Doper in suspense?
I love lightbulb jokes.
Second favourite:
How many dislexics does it take to change a glitblub?
Favourite (works best if other people have already told a few lightbulb jokes):
How many Germans does it take to change to change a lightbulb?
One.
I’ve been sitting here waiting since last night. What is the answer?
We’ll be meeting with a hydrolics specialist who fell into an electro-plating tank filled with chrome. He got his pumper-nickeled.
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A man walks into a chip shop with a large fish under his arm and starts to stare at the shop’s menu. After about 10 minutes the shop owner asks the man if he can help, the man turns to the owner and says: “Do you do fishcakes?”
The owner replies , “Why, yes we do”
The man smiles, points to the fish and says;
“Can you do him one? It’s his birthday.”
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A jelly bean went for an AIDS test.
“How many sexual partners have you had in the last 6 months,” the doctor asked.
“Hmmm, I don’t really know,” came the jelly beans reply, "I’ve been sleeping with All Sorts.
=-=-=
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four”.
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says “Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!”.
Again, there’s a bright flash…and his legs fall off.
OK…one more.
A pharmacist looks up from his counter to see a Scottish soldier, he reckons he must be from the Highland regiment currently stationed nearby.
The soldier reaches into his sporran and withdraws a handkerchief, gently he unfolds it to reveal a leather pouch, he opens the pouch and reveals a silk package. Even more slowly and with great care and tenderness he unwraps the silk to reveal a very ancient condom, covered in patches.
" How much to repair it?" he asks.
“50 pence” replies the startled pharmacist.
“How much for a new one?”
“75 pence” the pharmacist answers.
The soldier nods solemnly, rewraps his package and walks out the door. The pharmacist hears a commotion in the street, followed by a loud cheer.
The soldier returns, a grin on his face.
“The regiment have voted, we’ve had a whip round and we’ll have a new one!”
I apologise I know the Scots aren’t really mean.