I’m writing a book, and it’s just tearing me apart!!! 
Being infertile and LDS (Mormon) is a really rotten combination. I got fortunate in that a week after my IVF failed, I found a fantastic support group online for infertile LDS couples.
I decided quite a while ago that once I graduated and had a little spare time, I was going to write a book for the people who are out there feeling like they’re all alone. Going to church can be really tough when the talks on Sundays are about the responsibilities parents have to teach the gospel to their children, and everyone you see around you is either pregnant, just finished being pregnant, or is just about to get pregnant. When you’re 40 and the only family at sacrament meeting with no kids, it gets a little dismal.
I’ve heard so many women blame themselves for being “bad people,” and therefore God doesn’t trust them enough to give them children. That’s utterly ridiculous; if being virtuous and trustworthy were requirements for bearing children, (a) the world population would be MUCH smaller; and (b) people like Michael Jackson and Courtney Love probably wouldn’t have children.
The objectives of my book, then, are to let the infertile LDS women know that they’re not alone; they’re not broken; they’re not being punished; and there is hope for joy whether you give birth, adopt, or decide to remain a childless family.
I’ve been searching the archives of the support group to pull out e-mails I had written and want to include the thoughts in my book. As I read some of the e-mails, I marvel at how wise I am ;). Other e-mails just bring back all of the hurt and pain and everything we’ve been through. I’ve cried more the last two days than I have in a long time.
On top of that, I’ve been coping with the fact that my half-sister placed her son for adoption with a family in my own ward at church. It’s made it difficult beyond belief for me to go to church, and I’m trying to get permission to go to another ward. I actually went last Sunday, for the first time since I heard the news, and between the parenting talks and my not-nephew not-son sitting in the row behind me, I fled in tears after 37 minutes. Yes, I timed it!
I really feel a strong need to get this book written. I’ve spoken with too many women who have expressed a desire for something like this geared specifically for an LDS audience. And that’s just among women who are accepting that they’re having problems with infertility and are willing to talk about it. I know there are many more who won’t talk about it because they’re either not accepting it or because it’s just flat too painful. They need it too.
Please send me happy thoughts right now, because I feel like I’m just drowning in these terribly strong emotions!