For the past 5 years, I’ve shared custody 50/50 with my ex of our two kids, my son now 11 and my daughter 15 (this week). I work at giving them all they need and a lot of what they want. I endure sleep-overs, attend ballgames and sat thru numerous episodes of 90210.
She wants her tounge pierced. I said ‘No way’. I tell her it is just too scary for me, that the thought of her mutilating her self makes my stomach hurt. She is just too young.
She tells her dad I said okay.
She tells me he will take her to the tattoo parlor, pay for it and sign consent. That he doesn’t like me and will do it no matter what I want.
I have never tried to use guilt to manipulate her. I have never asked her to do or not do anything “for me”. I cry. She and her brother have seldom seen me cry. She says I’m just trying to make her feel like shit, that I treat her like shit and she doesn’t care what I want.
She gets a ride to her dad’s and when he picks up our son, I find he doesn’t want her to get the piercing either and will not sign consent.
I’m having a lot of trouble with her reaction to my pain. I don’t remember wanting to hurt my mom. This worries me. Or am I taking this too personally?
I don’t think you’re taking it too personally. This is the first of your children to be in that awkward “I want to be different” stage. Teens love to be able to express themselves, and one way they do this nowadays is to pierce things they wouldn’t normally pierce. Gone are the days when an earring would suffice! But take comfort that it’s not something else, like an eyebrow or a lip. A tongue ring is usually unobtrusive and obscured, so it’s not like you’d have to hide her in a dungeon when company came over.
On the other hand, we’re talking about a piercing at a tattoo parlor. I am not you, so I surely cannot judge this situation for you or presume to know what is right for you to do, but if it were me and she were absolutely insistent - to the point where my life could be made miserable by denying her this extravagance - on getting this done, I would permit it, but only on my own terms. (AFIAK, too, those tongue rings can be removed.) I would tell her I will allow it but only if I accompany her, and if I do not like the place she’s going to, we’re leaving. I think, also, that with this now becoming more popular, you might even find reputable listings in the yellow pages. I would tell her that she needs to pay for it herself and that she needs to make sure she cleans the piercing regularly (or however you need to take care of those things). What you need to avoid is her making you feel bad and holding her dad against you, as if what he says is gospel simply because he agrees with her. A teen’s opinion can be fickle; if you were the one agreeing and dad said no, you’d be the good guy. It’s all relative.
I don’t think you’re being oversensitive or unreasonable. I just think that since it’s your first foray into this part of the teen angst, you’re moving with trepidation, and I don’t blame you for that!
And of course I completely glossed over this. 
Sorry about that.
Anyway, I think she’s just being defiant.
She’s 15? Pretty much right on schedule.
::presenting credentials::
I taught high school for 7 years and dealt with kids in the 15-18 ages. I’ve attended gobs of parent conferences and scads of PPW meetings. I’ve seen kids with real problems and kids who were being “normal”. I’ve dealt with psychologists on many occasions regarding education plans for students.
From the isolated information you present, it sounds like you’re in for a rough couple of years. She may think you are mean and nasty now, but don’t worry. In 7 years she’ll be amazed at your progress. 
(Thanks, Mark Twain)
Of course, if this is just one incident of many, things could be different.
I have no idea how you get along with your ex. I will make no presumptions, judgements, nor will I give advice. However, I think that if you and your ex are at least civil in communications regarding your daughter, things can work out.
OK, I know I promised, but here’s some unsolicited advice:
Your daughter is in that “nowhere” place of being between child and adult. She’s starting to define herself as an individual. She needs lots of guidance here. Her most likely route to her individualism is through a role model, you, dad, scary friends, whoever. Try your utmost to avoid direct confrontations with her. Avoid responses like, “Well, we’ll just see what your dad has to say about that.” Further, try to avoid things that seem sneaky; try not to go “behind her back”. (In short, just try to avoid her at all costs. ) Seriously, she’s trying to define herself and needs lots of love.
My own opinion, don’t allow any tatoos or tongue piercing until she’s 18. Tatoos are damn near permanent and tend to look gross after 30 years or so. The tongue is a muscle and doesn’t heal/scar the same way that flesh does. The hole in your ear will close up if you don’t wear your ear-ring for weeks. The hole in your tongue will widen over time.
Best of luck!
Also, I have heard that dentists are seeing a lot of problems with tongue-piercings knocking enamel off the teeth. You might call one up and get a quote on just how much that piercing could end up costing her.
But on the larger issue of whether she wants to hurt you and her reaction to your pain, I think it’s a part of growing up that many (but not all) girls go through. She doesn’t want to hurt you so much as she wants to test the limits. If you and your ex have good communications so she can’t pull the “Mom said/Dad said” trick, that will help. If you can talk to him sometime without the kids around about the issue and come up with a strategy for handling it, you’ll probably feel better about the situation.
Tell her if she wants to rebel, she’ll have to settle for hanging around the mall dressed like a hooker. 
[quote]
The tongue is a muscle and doesn’t heal/scar the same way that flesh does. The hole in your ear will close up if you don’t wear your ear-ring for weeks. The hole in your tongue will widen over time.
[quote]
Umm… sorry for the nitpick, but I’m pretty sure you’re incorrect. My friend had a toungue piercing for two years, and always had to be careful to not leave it outtoo long as it closed very quickly. When she wanted it out permanently, it was closed in a matter of days, much more quickly than ears.
Tattooing I agree should wait, but I see piercing as pretty harmless, of course, if you go to a clean, safe place, of which there should be many. They’re not permanent, not harmful and I suppose in her case a small yet important rebellion. shrugs
Tongue piercings do not get wider over time. In fact, they close quite fast if you take the jewlery out.
Tongue piercings only harm the enamel if the piercing is close to the tip of the tongue, and it is repeatedly clicked against the teeth.
I have had a tongue piercing since 1994. My teeth are fine.
The hole has not widened even a little bit.
Go to the Body Modification E-Zine for accurate information.
LaurAnge,
Nitpick Nuthin’! If I’m wrong, I’m wrong. From the looks of that has been posted by Hastur during my “post reply” and reply window (damn slow server) it seems that I’m, er, “mistaken”. I’ll admit it…
I, Spritle, am wrong about the tongue piercing thing.
My source of info was a former student who had multiple piercings in many hidden places (both nipples, foreskin, and God-knows-what-else). He told me that people who pierce their tongues (or get them pierced) don’t know what they are in for. He said that the increase in size is why the studs come in increasing diameter (guages?).
The reason barbells come in different sizes is because some people like to stretch the hole and have larger jewlery.
I still wear a 14 guage barbell. Never changed the size, and the hole has never grown to my knowledge.
“some people like to stretch the hole and have larger jewlery”
Ya know, taken out of context… 
By the by… addressing the other aspects of the OP, I think the girl is being manipulative and nasty. Sadly, in my experience, this is common game playing, especially where divorced parents are concerned. My condolences that you have to deal with this.
I am so not ready for teens. It starts for me next year and then goes like dominos.
My girls are turning 12 and 11 this year and are already bickering over clothes.
The oldest wants tattoos and piercings and her bio-mom (were best friends) and I have discussed this since I am into that and she is not.
Breezy isn’t allowed serious body peircings or tattoos until 18 and out of her house. It will be my job to take her and make sure they are done correctly.
As for playing head games as a teenager my dad wouldn’t let me come around for a year or so because I dressed in all black from head to toe, dyed my blond hair black and used corn starch on my skin to make myself look paler and black lipstick and eye shadow.
He eventually got over it and the phase passed soon enough for all. Next came blue hair, purple hair, and really tall hair.
I know my expirements were less permanent, but all I remember my mom saying was “are you going into public like that?”
I had a roommate who went through a punk phase when she was fifteen. Her college professor parents were calm and patient with her, and neither browbeat her with expectations nor ignored her attempts at defiance.
They did, however, force her to live with the consequences. One night they were going to a country club for dinner, and she showed up in her punkest outfit, looking like Satan’s keychain. They just shrugged and told her to get into the car.
She said she never felt so stupid as when she was sitting in this expensive country club having dinner with people in expensive dresses and suits. Her parents never said a word, nor indicated that they disapproved of her appearance; they just left her to feel like an idiot on her own, which she did. That ended the phase.
Your daughter is being a manipulative bitch, which is well within the range of normal for teenagers. Don’t give in, because if she thinks she can play you, it’ll never stop. But don’t try to play her back, since she’s far more cunning at that age than you are now. Be straight with her, and have a thick skin to her insults and tantrums–she means them in the heat of the moment, but she’ll regret them later on in life, and thank you for your patience. I’ve apologized to my mother several times for asshole behavior in my child and teen years, and it always makes her happy.
A word on tongue piercings. I’ve known several people with them, and they’re surprisingly discrete, and easily hidden when needed. Piercing itself is fairly harmless in a reputable shop. You might consider allowing it in the future, once it would no longer be giving in to her bad behavior. She wants it for the shock value and the coolness factor. As rebellions go, it’s better than pregnancy.
It might slightly relieve your mind to know that piercings etc. are becoming pretty mainstream.
My daughter goes to a Lutheran preschool and I was a bit surprised to see that her teacher has a small tongue stud. But only a bit.
Now, this may not be quite so true in your area. I live in California.
One of my wife’s co-workers had a daughter who at the age of 15 wanted to get her navel pierced. Her mother, a good person, was not real into the idea of peircings other than ears.
One day, she came home and showed her daughter her newest piece of jewelry, a nice navel ring. Her daughter all of a sudden didn’t have need one any more, since even her geeky mom liked it. May be a bit too extreme for the tongue though.
Sorry I don’t have much on the rebellious behavior though. Baby Babe I is 4 and Baby Babe is 1, so they are pretty easy to handle. Now if I could only work on Mrs. Babe.
I wouldn’t get too upset about her not caring about your pain–at this age they can’t imagene anyone hurts as much as them. But I would not stand for the trying to play one of you off against the other. That behavior is clearly unacceptable and there is no way she didn’t understand what she was doing. I would recomend that you and your Ex sit down wiht her TOGETHER and assure her that if this ever happens again you both agree that her punnishment will be [blank]. She needs to know htat just becasue you two aren’t married dosen’t mean you are not a united front.
Having taught college level freshman English for about eight years, I’d disagree. They chew on their barbells. Always. Think about it…put a breath mint on the tip of your tongue, and see if it doesn’t go between your front teeth all the time.
Thank you all for your posts. The shock is starting to wear off that my darling baby is being manipulative and mean to get what she feels she desperately needs: a tounge ring. My ex and I are civil, and although he has never proven trustworthy, I think we are united in this no-pierced-tounge thing. She is spending the week at his house and has left three messages on my answering machine while I was at Jury Duty. Yes. I have to emotionally deal with a rebelious teenager AND serve Jury Duty. What a life.
I have to agree completely. I have been through things I don’t care to go into (but I assure you, they exceeded a tongue ring…false accusations against people VERY close to her, for instance) with my stepdaughter, and I understand how hard this must be for you. It doesn’t seem possible the lengths they will go to to manipulate people…particularly teenage girls, in my experience. You feel as though she couldn’t possibly be that cruel. I assure you, she knows exactly what she’s doing. Don’t go ballistic or anything, but I agree that keeping communication with your ex and making sure that your daughter does NOT get away with the manipulation is a very good idea.
(No, really?..sigh Sometimes I really have a gift for pointing out the obvious.)
Sorry to say this, Cyn, but I’m leaning towards “heartless bitch”. Standing there and abusing your mother while she is crying?