If you are someone who is not a big fan of tattoos or piercings, do you comment if you notice a close friend or family member gets a new one? If so, what do you say?
My daughter is in her 20s and supporting herself just fine. Certainly free to do whatever she wants with her body, needing no approval from me or anyone else. She has long had several piercings in both ears, and over the past 3-4 years she has gotten at least 6-7 tats that I am aware of on her back, side, wrists, upper arms. I don’t think they are attractive, and I think they detract from her good looks, but she didn’t ask me and I don’t offer my opinion.
Last time we saw her a couple of weeks ago she had a ring small in her septum. I’ve personally always disliked those, as they remind me of the rings n farm animals’ noses. But again, her body, she can do with it what she wants. It is a pretty small wire ring - not really obvious. Honestly, the first time I saw it, I was at her side and thought she had a booger hanging out of her nostril. Neither her mom nor I said anything.
She’s coming over for dinner tonight. I’m looking forward to seeing her. And the piercings/tats really have minimal effect on how I feel about her. Like I said, she’s independent, debt free, has an advanced degree, a good job, and a steady SO. I realize that the tats/piercings are of no consequence. I’m just wondering - in such a case would you say anything? If you were my daughter, would you want/expect your parents to say anything?
We’ve always tried to be pretty honest with each other as a family, so I’m not going to say it looks good when I don’t think it does. And it seems banal to say something like, “Pierced your nose, huh?” And I don’t see any benefit to be derived from saying what I really think - that she is an amazingly beautiful young woman and IMO the tats and piercings detract from that beauty.
Would you comment on an ugly haircut? An unattractive weight gain? A receding hairline? There’s no need to acknowledge changes that worsen someone’s appearance.
If your daughter asks your opinion, I think you should give it, but if you’d rather say that you’d rather not say, that would make sense too.
At times, I have pretended to approve of, or at least given a neutral response to, a person’s fashion choices, even though I’ve privately disliked said choices. The result has almost invariably been an improved relationship with the person.
I typically ask if the piercing/tat is new, when confirmed and asked if I like it I start out by saying I don’t think she needs it/I liked her without it… to continue with “but it looks good” regardless of my real opinion on it.
Does the job of showing I noticed and “complimenting” her, while still making the point that she doesn’t need it. For some reason I’ve far less of an opinion about dudes that maim themselves ;).
I would say something. If we can’t trust family to say the awkward and uncomfortable, who will? On the other hand, there’s no point in being negative in an unproductive way.
In this case, I would probably start off with a very neutral comment and then follow her lead to some extent. For example you could ask “When did you get the nose piercing? What made you decide to try it?” No real judgment there, just factual questions.
If she responds “Last year, and isn’t it the best thing ever?!” then there’s probably no point in being disapproving. Just reaffirm that it’s her choice.
On the other hand, if she says “Last year. I’m not sure if I like it.” then she’s given you an opening to suggest that it might not be the best look for her.
You’re a good dad for not mentioning your dislike/objections.
I know my parents dislike tattoos in general, because they were pretty outspoken about how horrible they are when I was growing up. When I came home in my 20s sporting one, they were pretty silent on the matter. They ignored it. I’ll have to admit that it hurt my feelings that they pretended it wasn’t there, but that’s my problem. They shouldn’t have been required to pretend they liked it.
My third tattoo was a year ago. Again, my dad pretended it wasn’t there. Fair enough. My mom said “Wow, check out the new tat!”
My heart broke a little at her kindness- I know she doesn’t like tattoos but she was willing to try to be nice, and she was even trying to show her support with hip-speak, saying “tat”. It sounded like she was trying out a foreign language she’d been practicing. But very, very sweet.
My dad’s reaction: “whyyy the fucccccccckkkkkk… oh Jesus Christ, why th–”
My mom’s reaction: “oh for the love of Christ”
My reaction to their reaction: “Oh my GOD, it’s my body blah blah blah”
I guess as background, she knows we’re not fans of tats. I didn’t mind her ear piercings at all - even the industrial. Her mom was less of a fan. Hell, I’m a judge, and have had a hoop in my left lobe these past 30 years.
When she got the first 2 tats on her wrists, while they weren’t the choice I’d make, like I said - her body. And they were pretty small, and made sense to me. Then came several lines of writing up her entire side, something on one shoulder blade, something else on a bicep… My personal tastes would be more for some coherent design rather than what impresses me as not particularly attractive graffiti - but her choices.
I guess what I’m saying is, she knows we’re not big fans, and I really don’t think our view of her body art affects our relationship with her one way or the other. Also, I’m finding it a little rocky navigating the relations with adult kids. This one in particular has (IMO) taken offense at relatively innocuous remarks when none was intended.
Believe me, she knows neither of us like the nose ring, but she decided to do it anyway, with her own money. So I’m not sure what point would be served by even mentioning it. Hopefully we’ll eventually get to the point where we’ll be comfortable kicking back and openly discussing our different ideas of bodily beauty - but we ain’t there yet.
I’ve read a lot of your other threads. Dealing with adult kids fairly and respectfully has got to be hard, and I do feel you try very hard. I have always had a hard time as an adult with my parents, who never felt like I really grew up. My mom’s dead now, but my dad has no problem commenting about my body, even to strangers (I’m not kidding).
I guess I just wanted to commend you for at least trying.
Also, complaining about how your kid looks when the kid is sporting what is a perfectly normal and generally acceptable fashion (which the tat/piercing style certainly qualifies as these days, unless they’re Nazi tats or something) just makes you look like a… well, a bit like a grumpy old fart, I suppose. No offense intended.
However, if the kid shows up with a mustache, feel free to break out the outrage. Unless your kid is Sam Elliott.
I don’t say anything unless its particularly nice body work or stunning jewelry. I’m not fond of piercings (other than earlobes for women) or tats, but if someone has really nice art or something particularly striking through their eyebrow, I’ll say comment on the quality.
Man, some days I think aspiring to be just a grumpy old fart is beyond my reach!
It is weird becoming “the older generation.” We recently had a family get-together at my oldest sister’s - several of her kids, her grandkid, my kid and grandkid, and one of my other sister’s kids. Really wonderful day. But my sister said, " I don’t WANT to be the matriarch!"
I heard Louis C.K. do a thing the other day, where he was coming to grips with the fact that folk over 40 are DEFINITELY not the future, and to a large extent need to get out of the younger folks’ way. Thought there was a lot of sense in that. And a TON of boomers have thought the world revolved around them for way too long.
Tats are weird for me, mainly because I don’t understand them. I don’t think I’ve EVER seen a tat on a man or woman that I thought made them more attractive. I think nice healthy skin is more attractive than even the best done ink. And, even if I were to appreciate tats, my preference would be for something more limited, or more “artistic”, rather than disjointed writing.
Piercings are weird, because I know I’m inconsistent. I’ve got nothing against ears - had our daughters’ done as infants. But I find guages repulsive. A nose or eyebrow stud/ring isn’t terribly offensive, tho I don’t find them attractive. But the septum or anything else, not my bag.
Just this grumpy old man’s opinion. Hope I live long enough to see how today’s younger kids do to make their parents feel out of touch! In the meantime - school is letting out. Gotta head out to the porch to chase those kids off my lawn!
Of course adults have the right to decorate themselves as they please, but we adults that are their parents are often really unhappy about these choices. For one thing, we’ve seen their tastes change over the years and know that permanent tat they love so much today cannot be tossed in the donation bag like the old bell-bottom pants and Batman sheet set. The chances someone WILL regret their permanent body-modification are not tiny. For another, we’ve spent a lot of time and effort keeping them safe from harm and now they’ve gone and maimed the body we’ve been trying to protect and preserve.
Remaining silent when your kid shows up with a tattoo that you don’t like is a gift. You shouldn’t have to pretend to like it too!
If my parents didn’t say something-- anything-- about me having/doing something I know they disapprove of, I’d feel disconnected from them.
I guess if you were to mention it, even if you express your dislike ness of it-- it could possibly show that you care enough to share your opinion. Indifference hurts.
Whenever my father says anything about my hair, I tense up. Because I’m going to be filtering that comment through years of experience with his expressed dislike for short natural hair. I know he really wishes I’d grow it out real long and styled in “corporate boardroom” fashions, thereby allowing me to fit the image of the buppie he secretly wishes I could be. I know he doesn’t dig my hair, even if my current style has grown on him. So my preferemce would be for him to just not say anything about my hair, unless it is glowing praise.
Like, I’d be bowled over if he said, “You know, I don’t really like short hair on women, except for Jamie Lee Curtis. But I gotta say, I really like the style you’re rocking right now. You look like new money!”
But I’d feel uncomfortable if he said, “Is that a new hair cut?” Because rather than an innocent inquiry, I’d hear “Is that hair cut intentional, or were you a victim of a tragic accident?”
It is my feeling that paying someone a compliment is never a bad thing if it is your intention to make them feel good. If you don’t want to do that, then it’s best not to say anything at all.
I had a neighbor who asked me if I wanted to see her new tattoo. She pulled up her pant leg to reveal what appeared to be a small, crudely rendered teddy bear on her ankle. She proudly informed me she had done it herself, to which I replied, “That’s…interesting”, which was the best thing I could come up without being brutally honest or outright lying. She seemed disappointed, and pouted, “At least you could appreciate the art work!”
I’m pretty sure getting tattoos and unconventional piercings falls right in line with the mentality of, “I don’t give a hoot if you don’t like it, because I do and it’s my body” so there’s only two good choices here and it’s either pay a sincere compliment (if you have one to give) or don’t mention it. You’ve already brought up that she takes innocent remarks the wrong way and that is usually, as monstro says, because personal baggage adds extra negative or manipulative implications to it. So I wouldn’t say anything even in the realm of neutral.
