A recent organizational reshuffling in the LowerArchy has resulted in the Internet Porn Monitoring and Advocacy Department being removed from the Operations Division and placed in Temptations instead – in other words, under my aegis. I won’t be running the department myself, of course, as much of my attention is currently taken up by the Bachmann Project; thus I must hire a manager.
Apply below. Please bear in mind that Hell has a *pro-*discrimination policy, so in addition to your qualifications you must explain what groups of people – football players, Joss Whedon fans, serial public farters, whatever – you will persecute in your hiring and management duties.
No we don’t. Canadians have always been welcome as agents. However, you were (formerly) ineligible for damnation; we wouldn’t keep you captive and torture you for eternity. I don’t see how that could be considered an injury.
And, anyway, that policy has been rescinded. It was part of the deal to get jurisdiction over Karl Rove.
I’ll be spending my persecution efforts largely on liberals. Since they are clearly evil, I expect a steady supply of new arrivals assigned to my department. I’ll make the worst of the lot focus on cataloging all variants of GOATSE, 2 Girls 1 Cup, and similar fare. The merely wicked will work on things like Naked at WalMart Home Video. Less serious offenders will work in monitoring Amish porn, which is largely stick figure drawings. Health nuts will work on chubby porn. Obviously, gays will only work on hetero porn and vice-versa.
In my hiring policies, I shall endeavor to reject any applications from bigots, baby killers, pedophiles, the holier’n’thou, lawyers and politicians. In this fashion, people who might otherwise be saved will not: we get an employee and score one for the home team in one swift stroke of the pen.
Just look at my username. It has evil already in it! What kind of dental and health plans do you offer? The kids need braces, and sometimes the ladies I associate with aren’t always … high quality.
Devil’s Advocate for the last 5 aeons. It’s a good gig, what with the moral flexibility and close contact with The Prince of Darkness, but the hours are pretty long and I’ve been meaning to spend more time with my own minions–they grow up so fast! Advocacy aligns nicely with Temptations as I am required to peer deeply into the roots of a soul to determine which types of arguments will weave effectively into the subconscious desires of my conversante’. I routinely, in fact, steer unwitting and pure souls toward the most despicibally corruptive websites for easy monitoring. Frequently these are pornographic in nature but more recently I have identified significantly more potential with those favoring Right wing political agendas and Justin Bieber fandom.
Should I be selected for the position I can assure you of truly abominable results. As evidence I would direct you to the catastrauphic collapse of sound moral dogma that has become particularly troubling for mankind. With the world’s moral compass spinning like a very spinny thing, humanity itself has learned to advocate for the devil with minimal need of my assistance.
Mr. Montoya, despite your laudable commitment to vengeance and past employment as a mercenary, you have a history of honoring your word for the sake of the promise; fidelity to family, friends, and loved ones; and rescuing (or attempting in the rescue of) damsels in distress. Before I can authorize Human Resources to proceed I will need a show of bad faith: a heinous crime or show of force. (A murder would be nice, of course.)
Well, I did replace Westly as The Dread Pirate Roberts. During my 5 year tenure I more than irredeemed myself through acts of piracy, sedition, hooliganism and murder too numerous to list. I defer again to my upholding, as an avatar of Roberts, the reputation of a Dread Pirate who does not take prisoners. In defense of my past actions in which I appear to show a marked dereliction of malice, I should point out that I chose to forsake small evils for great ones. I recognized in Westley a human weakness and exploited it in order to gain access to The Revenge. And I had to manipulate the ghost of my father with sweet talk in order to locate the man in black–my true disregard for him being clearly evident the moment his assistance was no longer needed. You will further notice my immediate abandonment of fellowship upon gaining entry to The Castle, and my direct prosecution of the protracted death of my adversary.
Do you accept applications from members of the Evil League of Evil, or would this be considered an internal transfer with a separate process? Would I need Bad Horse’s stamp of approval?
The Evil League of Evil is part of the Operations Division. I am Commanding Field and Lord Marshal of the Temptations Division. And as all the members of the ELeE are mortal, the only ways to leave it are (a) to be recruited by the Great Mouth directly, and (b) to murder the current leader of the ELeE.
There would be an implied and confounding implication of “obedience” should I fulfill the task. I perform my own evil upon my own unpredictable whims. What you ask is the work of a minion, not a manager. I’d be insulted if I did not appreciate your cunning.
Me? I collect property taxes for a living, so I’m well versed in the dead-eyed smile, the hiding behind the rule book, and fobbing the blame off on other people. Plus I’ve got my own executioner’s hood and battle axe! Think of the saving on uniforms!
Persecutionwise, I’d lay a world of hurt on people who pull halfway into an intersection at red lights so you can’t get around them, the people ahead of you at the grocery store who have to rummage through purses the size of garbage bags to find their coupons and store card, depositing the detritus on every available flat surface, and people who use some permutation of the word “fuck” every second word.
That last group will be fitted with electroshock collars to train them to say “Fluffernutters!” instead, on account of my delicate ears.