This morning an interesting memo appeared on my desk. The LowerArchy has changed its policy regarding the souls of Canadians. No longer shall the wicked of the Great White North be denied the delights of Hell (which, of course, are infinite, ungodly, and involve huge amounts of chocolate, sex, and cheese). The specific reasons [del]are none of your fucking business, you miserable scum[/del] need not concern all you nice people. Suffice to say preparations for the Apocalypse are proceeding apace, and the Boss has decided we need more [del]demon-dog chow[/del] ammunition for the [del]soul-howitzers[/del] valiant mortals to join our cause on The Day. We in the Tempting Office are therefore directed to see that as many Canadians as possible are damned between now and Sarah Palin’s second State of the Union address.
Any suggestions as to which Canadians we should target first?
Please clarify. Are we looking for Canadians we believe already deserve to go to hell, Canadians we think could be tempted into being bad enough to go to hell, or Canadians we would like to have in hell with us?
Chris Benoit. He’s likely already under your jurisdiction, but maybe you haven’t processed his file yet. Former pro-wrestler, murdered his wife and child before offing himself. Killed his child with a “shoot” application of his signature finishing move, the “Crippler Crossface”. Was a wife beater before the murder-suicide deal.
Darling, this is a BRAIN-storming session. Just give me the names that come to mind, along with any reasoned arguments. I shall decide how best to assign tempters.
(Incidentally, anybody looking for a job may wish to submit your resume, if you feel you have the chops to be a tempter.)
That said, our files on Hell are woefully inadequate, as You-Know-Who has long since considered them off-limits. I do not know the details but it was something about Bryan Adams.
Given such a record he is probably not in Heaven, though the Hierarchy has the disturbing policy of allowing last-minute repentence. Buncha cheaters. Anyway, if he’s dead and Canadian, he is presumably in Limbo, and it’s not worth our time to sort through all the souls of unbaptized babies and Yugoslavians.
Don’t believe anything Victor von Doom tells you. Mortals with such capacity go straight into the soul-grinder. As mentioned in the other thread, the Boss has, in fact, read a comic book.
I see we’ve already discovered the weird Ms.Dionne, Bryan Adams and Justin Beiber. I believe that’s a good musical start.
On the list of killers there is Col. Williams, Paul Bernardo, Karla Homolka Robert Picton and of course Clifford Olson. We have more but that’s good for a start.
On the political front I presume it’s just easiest to take them all. After all no politican is innocent.
On a personal note if you could just remove MH from my immediate vicinity that would be amazing. He doesn’t need to go to hell, but getting the hell out of my way would be perfect.
Reading the linked articles, it looked like wiki had a link for ‘Canadian serial killers’, and I was wondering how they had managed that. Then I discovered it was two links - one for ‘Canadian’ and one for ‘serial killers’. Somehow, that’s not nearly as satisfying.
The ban on Canadians also included the people of Wisconsin and other such border states; the Boss wanted to be sure nobody slipped through by accident. Thus Wisconsans can also be damned now.