Not to make fun of your misfortune, however; myself, I’m constantly mistaken for a straight man. I mean, I can’t even watch football, drink crap beer, belch loudly, scratch myself, and get about in tatty running clothes without someone asking about my supposed girlfriend, or sharing their opinion about womens’ breasts with me.
So I’m like, “Man, if ever called my partner ‘girlfriend’ he’d totally kick my ass!”, and I dunno about that girl’s tits – all I know is that they don’t compare to a nice set of biceps and pecs, but there people go, making all sorts of wild-ass assumptions about my life.
… and I can’t even eat out with a female friend or woman from work without people thinking we’ll be getting busy making babies together after dinner. It’s all, “Where did you meet?” and, “You two so cute together!”, when I’m all like fuck off, I couldn’t do her if you pumped me full of Viagra and slapped me on the butt like a rented mule.
Not to mention the other night at the bar, when I had to rescue a whole bunch of gay guys who were helpless trapped by a posse of ravenous straight women. The poor boys had been mistaken for straights and didn’t know what to do when those blood-thirsty harpies homed in for the kill. I had to throw myself across the room, deflect the women (girl cooties! get back! pow! shazam! run boys!), while the men beat a hasty path to the exit.
Hellloooo?! What straight man talks like a Valley Girl?
Also, straight men ‘go out to eat,’ they don’t ‘dine.’
Straight men don’t dance, don’t admit they dance even if they can (but they can’t), and they certainly don’t have dancin’ shoes (even if they wanted to and could dance, which they can’t). However, straight men do dance reluctantly when cajoled to do so by their female date.
Straight men are not ‘currently unattached romantically.’ They are ‘not screwing {nailing, doing} any pussy {fine piece of ass, hot mama}.’
Either embrace your ambiguously gay countrified version of metrosexuality, or butch up your act.
This has happened to me before - it’s annoying when people make wrong assumptions about you, but it isn’t any more or less of a deal than, say, someone assuming that a female associate is my wife, if we were to meet at a coffee shop to discuss business.
A gay male friend and I were out to lunch one day, and while sharing a drink (we split some oreo cookie mixed drink thingie at Pizzaria Uno), the waitress came over cooing about what a cute couple we were, blah blah blah. I was married and he was gay. Yeah, whatever. We just told her that we were a couple of FRIENDS and that’s it. People are odd.
It can have its advantages, though. My family was driving me crazy bugging me to get married and have kids, even fixing me up with intensely unappealing men. Now that they’ve decided I must be a lesbian, the subject never comes up. I’m certainly not going to correct them.
Good thing the moratorium will only last 10 days
But drunken New Year’s parties do not count towards the Straight Guy dancing stats, alas.
Still, yeah. What they said. Been there, NoClueBoy.
The big deal being, of course, the apparent urgent need of a large segment of the population to quickly categorize the sexuality of those they see around them. Like, what is it to them, anyway?
I think another significant factor here is that some people want to be seen as openminded and fair, so they (perhaps unconsciously) try to make superfluous positive comments about homosexuality - commenting on how nice a couple look together is an easy way to achieve this (except that the couple are not always a couple).
Yeah, sure, I coulda just gone out to eat, but I wanted to dine. As I said, I was about to just phone it in, pick it up, and eat it at home while watching some ultra violent rental DVD full of bouncing titties. But, I can do that anytime.
As for the dancing, would believe it’s Country? And I don’t mean line dancing! Hey, I learned to dance when I was a kid and I still love it.
OK, the home decor thing was a definite eyebrow raiser. But, I’m a remodel contractor/sub-contractor. So before the wallpaper pattern question ever came up, I had to build the fuckin’ wall!
Really, for the most part, it doesn’t bother me. I know I’m a little different. And I was raised by a gay man and an alcoholic woman, my parents. So, maybe I do do certain things that send out vibes. Still, I know what I am. If I were gay, I wonder how much of the other stuff would make people think I was straight?
btw, Love the responses, y’all. Whether poking fun or offering support and insight. It was kind of a light hearted rant in the first place. (Just don’t tell vanilla, okay?)
