I could really use some advice, words of wisdom, or just a few “hang in there’s”. I’m a long time lurker who feels like I know many of you and have seen a few marriage advise threads recently.
Hubby and I both recently, as in within the last month, turned 40. We will have been married 16 years this September. I tend not to get angry, or if I do, I’m over it fairly quickly. Hubby and are don’t argue. (By argue I mean voices-raised discussions.) Sure, we have little disagreements but they never last more than an hour or two. We both grew up in an atmosphere similar to our own.
I would describe myself as non-confrontational and easily wounded (sharp tone of voice will hurt my feelings, for example). I would describe hubby as a silent-treatment type, also easily wounded but not in the same way as I am.
More about me: I have no libido. I don’t get horny and could go without sex for quite some time. It just doesn’t occur to me. Medically, nothing is wrong (I had it checked), don’t suffer from depression, am not repulsed by sex, and don’t hate it. There are no secrets of abuse in my past.
Hubby wants sex it 7 days a week. Now, I may not always seem to be giving “my all”, but I by no means just lie there. He will say “you never initiate sex” and in the very next breath utter “I do realize we’re just different”. He’s also one for copping a feel at every opportunity – squeeze a boob, grab my ass, hands down my pants, un-do my bra, (you get the picture), ALL THE TIME. To me is seems every time he gets close to me a grab of some kind takes place.
One morning while getting ready for work (just over a week ago) I blurt out “all I am to you is tits and ass” as he grabs my ass. Realizing that this was a poor choice of words, I tried, very badly, to say it clearer. This only made it worse as I continued to have trouble coming up with the right words. I did really try to make my feelings understood and I actually thought he “kinda” understood. I didn’t want him to stop, just tone it down a notch or two. We had sex that evening.
Everything is fine for a couple of days.
On about the third day I realize I’m getting the silent-treatment. This is where my non-confrontational nature kicks in: I don’t talk to him either. You know, the old “if your not talking to me I’m not talking to you “ routine. (Did I mention, we’re 40?) I have NO idea why he’s pissed. Not a clue. Can’t for the life of me figure out what I’ve done.
Finally this Saturday I get the nerve up to ask what it is that ticked him off so much. Well wouldn’t you know it, its the “tits and ass” comment I’d made a week ago. It seems that all of a sudden I don’t want him to touch me AT ALL.
We have it out that evening. Voices raised for a part of the time but usually in normal tones. I get a listing of my flaws (I’ve heard the items on this list a few times over the years), I’m not this, I’m not that, things I don’t do, et al. A the top of the list, and always the most important, is my lack of interest in sex.
I ask him if he loves me and he says “I don’t know”. The next morning (yesterday), I ask “now what”. He replies that he doesn’t know. I remind him of the conclusions that can be drawn from the previous evenings “discussions”:
- I’m not the person he wants me to be.
- He doesn’t love me. (He reminds me that he said “HE DOESN’T KNOW”.) He adds that he’ll never touch me again. (Ouch, that one hurt.)
We then went on to discuss the division of the belongings, custody of the two dogs (we have no kids), who’ll move out., etc. Wasn’t a long talk, nor did it really get ironed out into a plan. We agree that we can be friends. Which we both really believe.
So by afternoon we’d settled into a kind of truce mode and were once again talking. Avoiding “the issue”. He says such things as how we should get the windows caulked before fall. What the hell am I supposed to think? Didn’t we just split up, or at the very least are in the process of doing that?
When someone says “I don’t know if I love you”, does it really mean “I don’t love you”? Wouldn’t you know it if you did and say I don’t know when you don’t and want to spare feelings?
Whew, I must say it felt really good to talk about it. Sorry for the ramble.
TTFN, and thanks for listening.
Lynn