I’ve hesitated to post so far. Many good things have already been said. But after I read your brother Stephen’s letter, I thought I might add something.
First of all, younger_brother’s comments about Stephen’s rejection of the $50,000 job in favor of the "potential CEO position, " let’s say, sets off alarm bells. Stephen seems to think that he could step into such a job today, and it’s (in some sense) due him. And yet, his life position for the last 10 years does not indicate that he has a CEO skill set. I’m not trying to be facetious here. What does he see in his life – or what is he imagining in his life – that indicates he would be able to perform as the head of a company, even if someone hired him as such tomorrow?
It’s worrisome, because although he displays no overt, definite signs of mental illness, he’s clearly not seeing himself accurately or living reality rather than fantasy. The trail of “get rich quick” schemes in his background indicate that this self-delusion is a pattern.
I had an uncle very like this. He went from scheme to scheme. He too formed corporations; he too did commissions and sales work. Similarly, his schemes would invariable implode, ending with him turning to family and crying his “bad luck.” He saw his life, mostly, as what he wanted it to be rather than what it was, but in a more extreme fashion than most of us – he too saw himself as only fit to be CEO, not one of the grunts. Like your brother, he turned down many positions (since my uncle was somewhat successful at his peak, even $150,000 to $200,000 ones) as beneath him and his true talents.
In my uncle’s case, he had (at least borderline) bipolar disorder, diagnosed, as well as narcissistic personality disorder. Both of those disorders contributed to his refusal or inability to perceive himself and his life in reality instead of in fantasy. Although his diagnosis enabled our family to understand him better, the very nature of his illnesses meant that despite all our efforts, we could not help him. Each attempt ended with him taking advantage of us in some fashion, but his life got no better or happier or more stable. He had a limitless capability to take from anyone (family included) and judge it his due – and like Walter Mitty, he was always the star of his own personal movie. True reality was far too distressing.
Although I don’t agree with everything fessie said – I do think your brother has some degree of mental illness, and it might be helpful to find out what kind and to what degree – I think her “tough love” stance (that also includes communication without judgment) has a lot of merit. It sounds like you’re starting the tough love process; I hope that ends up working for him, and he sees what’s really going on in his life. But I also encourage you to try to keep communicating, stop talking about his job, prospects, etc. That’s only a sore point for you both, and he refuses to let you really help with it. So be it; that’s the tough love. As long as you can see him and talk about other things, though, do it. Whatever his mental status, it might help you all and him if you can maintain some type of cordiality.
Good luck. I wish your whole family the best possible outcome.
Mrs. Furthur