A friend of mine is dying with cancer. We’ve been pretty close for over 20 years, through work. We’ve worked together on projects, traveled together, and so forth.
Now it’s getting close to the end for her. She’s decided she wants a Going Away Party!. She calling it a “retirement party”. There is going to be a dinner, with an MC, speakers, etc, and she’s requested me to be one of the speakers. She wants to be “roasted”, and everybody’s supposed to act like she’s leaving for another job or retiring or something like that.
How the hell can I do this? I’d rather be impaled on a bamboo stake, but I can’t tell her no.
Does anybody have any suggestions? Any experience with something similar? What the shit am I going to do? What am I going to say? How do you make a crowd laugh when they are all going to be walking in there teary-eyed?
I know lots of stuff on her, and I could pull this off under normal circumstances.
Any and all advice and/or opinions appreciated.
PS: This is not some kind of sick joke, the situation’s all too real. Help.
Whoa. That’s a stumper.
I’ve heard of such things but would wager a lot depends on how well the guest of honor can set and maintain the tone.
It sounds like she’s already given general directions. I’d avoid the whole ‘retirement’ party aspect, though, as many of them can become pretty maudlin too.
Maybe just keep your focus firmly on her life and the good times.
Easier said than done, huh?
Good luck, John. Offhand I’m too floored to suggest much else. It’s a great idea, mind, I’m just not sure what the hell I’d do in your place either.
IMO roasting a dying person is not good form regardless of her desires. Even terminally ill people do not have license to make others squirm uncomfortably. Tell her you would really be uncomfortable doing that, and ask her is there is something else you can do to celebrate her life. Be straighforward.
Tape a fluff E! Entertainment type story, show her high school picture, interview friends about funny stories, allude to the affair with Brad Pitt (or whoever her heartthob is) and play with it. Pretend she really is just retiring and moving to Boca!
By taping it:
You can re-tape if it gets maudlin or you get teary-eyed. That is not what she wants.
You can psych yourself up to keep it upbeat, funny and entertaining.
You can rent a large screen television, show it at the party, hide in the shadows and hope the humor catches on.
You have perfect gift for her - one that she will treasure.
I don’t envy your position, but you can help make her final party a fun one!
I think it is an excellent idea. I wish I had the chance to say goodbye to my wife this summer as do all of her friends.
Don’t think about it like a going away party. Think about it like a lifetime achievement ceremony…a chance for her to speak her peace while she has a sound mind and good spirits.
Focus on how much better a person you are having known this terrific friend of yours. Is there anything you wouldn’t do for one another? Well, this is your chance to do something for your friend. My God what an opportunity. How can you NOT do this. It doesn’t have to be tasteless. I’ve seen a lot of celebrities receive awards and roasts and similar “parties” simply because everyone knew they wouldn’t be around much longer. An occasional amusing anecdote to lighten the mood would be appropriate. A jokefest however…no I wouldn’t go that far.
I know it’s gonna be excrutiatingly painful and will no doubt bring much sorrow and tears in the end. So, enjoy what time you have left. Please don’t dwell on the hurt…not now anyway. There will be plenty of time for that later. You just do whatever it takes to help your friend and the two of y’all try to enjoy each other every minute that you have left together.
You will be in my thoughts, good luck.
Is the “roast” business important to her? Having some kind of party where friends and relatives get to tell her they’ll miss her and tell stories about what she’s meant to them doesn’t sound wildly out of line, and might even be a bonding experience for everyone involved, but she’s being unreasonable if she expects people who love her to pretend that she’s getting a gold watch and moving to Florida. (In general, I think “roasts” are pretty tasteless even when the subject IS retiring.) What is her underlying intention? In a sense it sounds like she wants to attend her own funeral. Maybe she wants her friends not to feel sad about her death, or maybe she wants them to remember her as healthy and fun-loving, but they need to be able to deal with their grief in their own ways. Is there any chance of getting a clergyman involved? They may have had some experience with situations like this.
PS I was gonna mention the old “This is your life” TV show. You could do a little something along those lines. Plus what DMark said about video. You’ve got to include a few scenes on tape. (Need to tape the whole thing too) but for the event I’d see if I could find some old home movies or photos and whatever YOU might have.
What kind of stuff would YOU enjoy reminiscing over if it was your life? A nice dinner with family and friends…some photos and tape. A few kind words and the chance to say things to loved ones that NEED to be said but haven’t been. Tell a feww amusing stories and maybe “roast” a couple of your good friends. The chance to do it all at once because there’s no time or energy to do it individually.
It’ll be okay…J/C just know that your friend loves you enough to trust this to you. If you’re having a problem with it, talk to her about it. Let her know you’d rather tone down the actual “roast” part a bit. Not totally but some.
Now that sounds maudlin to me. I would be delighted if I were honored by my friends with a roast. I’ll admit that I may have a wicked sense of humor, but what better way to celebrate her life than to tell funny tales?
I really like the video idea. You can really set the tone of the party with that and it also allows you the flexibility to maintain your composure if it gets teary.
I really don’t think she’s looking to “attend her own funeral”. I’d venture to guess she’s had about all the sad crap she can stand and she’s looking for a chance to enjoy her friends while she’s still feeling good.
Given the death threads on here in the last few days, I’ve been giving my end some thought. My insurance goes to my sister for her mortgage, I want no viewing at a funeral home - just cremate me and find a nice place to dispose.
This isn’t meant to be sarcastic or funny, I’m serious. I don’t want a funeral with all the crap associated, I’d much rather have a night of fun with my friends and family, while I could still enjoy it. I really wouldn’t like to attend my own funeral, as testride intimated.
Also, I seccond everything t-keela has said so far.
The guy I’m tapping for this if I need to understands, so maybe I’m lucky.
I only hope I can be half as spirited as your friend if I ever know ahead of time that my time was almost up. It sounds like she’s accepted the inevitable, and is ready to enjoy every second she has left.
It sounds like (understandably) you are having a harder time dealing with this than her. Have you ever seen a proper roasting? It involves close friends and is always a hilarious event. Giving someone “The Needle” is never mean-spirited when done in the spirit of showing someone you care about them and make them laugh a time or two. Plus, at the end the roastee gets to have the final word.
I think it’s an excellent idea and salute her for thinking of it. If this is what she really wants, please give her the honor of having a wonderful night with those she cares about.
(And having lost both parents to cancer, trust me when I say I know what you’re going through.) Good luck with it, and let us know what happens.
I say do it. Why should a person wait until after he is dead to find out how much his friends loved him? She wants to know that that she is loved, that she will be missed, but she wants to keep it light and make people laugh. This doesn’t seem like too much to ask, it is what we all want.
I thought the tape idea was a fine one, so if you are having trouble why not try that?
Thanks to all who have responded so far. It helps just to “talk” about it. Many of the above ideas are helpful.
Her daughter has made a “This Is Your Life” type tape to show. It’s too late for me to tape my part. I should have started this thread a week ago, but I guess I was waiting for inspiration. It didn’t come. Right now, I’ve got eight hours and some few minutes before I’ll be behind the microphone.
There’ll be a group doing a “Hee-Haw” type skit, the above mentioned video tape and two other people are speaking. I don’t think the other speakers are going to be doing much humor, though I haven’t talked to them yet.
I have taken part in roasting a couple of people before, but this is not the same, to say the least.
At the moment I’m leaning toward the “give her what she’s asked for” recommendations. Maybe just rip into her real good. If I can.
Melanoma’s a bitch. She’s down to below 100 pounds and will be in a wheel chair. The chemo took her beautiful, raven-black hair. I’ve seen her frequently over the past several months, but many of the others who will be there haven’t and they’ll be shocked at her appearance.
Please keep posting your thoughts. Every new idea gives me something to consider.
A few years after I graduated, my high school biology teacher was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. I don’t know whose idea it was, but we had a “roast” for him. Former students got up and shared anecdotes from class. Mr. White got up at the end and said, “First, I want to show everyone my $25,000 haircut.” and whipped off his English driving cap. I think the roast was a good thing. It fit Mr. White’s sense of humour, and it allowed people to gather to tell him how much he meant to them. (He was a very popular teacher.) I think it meant a lot to him, and I’m glad I was able to say goodbye.
It helps out the survivors and the one who is afflicted.
You could send out invitations with Green Bananas on the cover with “The Lifetime Acheivement Award Ceremony For X, who is receiving the No Green Bananas Award on such and such date.”
A huge horseshoe of flowers could be placed somewhere with a ribbon across it saying, " Good Luck at your next location." (I want this at my funeral.)
Since time is of the essence and some people are going to be ooked out by this, why not try to make it a fund raiser for the hospital or the disease or a scholarship in her name somewhere.
We did something similar for my grandmother. My family has this tradition where, when one of us dies, we gather around and share stories about that person. It was my grandmother’s wish that we did this before she died, with her present.
Not all of the stories were glowing. Some of them are about she pissed you off at one time or another, or about strange habits or mannerisms she had.
However, the overwhelming experience was so positive. It felt like a blessing that she was there for it. Go for it, and know that many of us understand how you feel and are here for you.
Sounds like your friend has a great sense of humor. Much like mine in fact. I’ve often thought about how I’d like a similiar ceremony if I was inflicted with a disease, or do a recorded monologue for my own funeral. With having said that, the only real advice I could give is to try to find something, a book, show or movie, that allows you to find humor in even something as depressing as this and carry that mindset over to real life. I suppose the actual thing you’d look at would vary from person to person.
Thanks, everybody, for the suggestions and comments.
Shoes shined: check
Coat and tie on hanger: Check
Small piece of paper with notes: check
Happy early rock & roll beach music tape to play on way over there: check
Bob Dylan tape to play on way back: check
I’m off, it’s a long drive. I’ll provide a report when this has passed, maybe about midnight.
