Og, dammit! I think my ex gave me nightmares. Not her fault, but I think she gave me nightmares. I need advice.
Backstory: I’ve never had any ugly break-ups except one, which was six years ago. That ex, I shall call her Eats_Innocent_Souls, is the only one I’m not on speaking terms with. Generally my break-ups tend to be fairly amicable and I can retain decent friendships. But Eats_Innocent_Souls was a despicable person and messed me up so badly that I was a wreck for a good two years – such was the intricacy of her mind games. Took serious therapy to unravel that mess.
Current story: Chews_Pencils has been going through a rough time. She dumped me, but as far as that goes we were pretty much on the same page. Truly, we’d make better friends than girlfriends. However, she’s had a rough year and is too emotionally exhausted to be able to deal with any new people in her life (meaning me) and has abruptly cut off all contact with me. I’m sad about that. But if that’s what she needs to do, I harbour no grudge. (Well, okay, I was mad for a few days, but I’m over it.) She needs to take care of herself right now, and though it stings, I’m not going to push the issue. It sucks, but it’s really okay.
Now, here’s the thing: Now, there are two ex-girlfriends I’m not on speaking terms with. Because I’ve only ever really “lost” Eats_Innocent_Souls, the impact this present circumstance is having on my psyche is to dredge up the same nightmares and panic attacks from six years ago!
I used to wake up every, single day with a panic attack, thinking:
“I have to DO something! Why am I still in bed?? I should be making something of myself and DOING something! ACK!!! And just what will I do? My life is so lame! I’m a failure. I have to DO something!!!”
Logically, I always new that the panic was some stupid by-product of wounded self-esteem, because I was making something of myself. I also used to have pained, emotionally tormented dreams about my evil ex, Eats_Innocent_Souls.
…Now it’s all starting again! Gah!
I think it’s because I’m distressed about these present circumstances. And this “distress” is saying:
“Hey there, Crayons’s brain! Remember this? This weird, conflicted, out-of-control, helpless feeling is just like when Eats_Innocent _Souls ripped out your soul, microwaved it until it started to melt and then tossed it into a snowbank so it shattered from the sudden cold!”
Chews_Pencils did NOT hurt me like that. She has a fiery but sensitive soul and wouldn’t maliciously hurt anyone. She didn’t do anything wrong. But losing her is bringing this old E_I_S shit, nightmares and panic attacks, back up to the surface.
So what I need today… I need dream/waking strategies! I need to get control of my dreams to kick E_I_S out of 'em. And I need to figure out how to stave off the early-morning panic attacks. The panic attacks are freaking me out.