So I’ve been listening to the radio, and apparently, I’m wasting my time in the pizza delivery business. Did you know that any moron with connections to a record producer can make a million dollars? I’ve been carefully studying this phenomenon, and taking notes. While I don’t want you all to steal my idea that I’ve stolen from these other artists, I would appreciate any help you could provide in advising me further.
Based on my research I have learned the following:
1) Originality or creativity is a horrible accident gone awry and must be slain, and not only that, wants to be slain, much like the Brundlefly.
Conclusion A: Do cover songs, re-use sections of other songs, re-use beats, and generally avoid generating new content. Go with what other people have done, or you have already done before.
Conclusion B: Wherever possible, instead of writing new lyrics for your song, simply repeat the same lines over and over, for as long as your audience can plausibly stand it. Example, “we started from the bottom now we’re here. We started from the bottom now we’re here. We started from the bottom now we’re here.” I am Drake and you can too! He started from the Canada and now he’s here, and won’t go away.
2) Gratuitous use of echo to make your lame song sound more mysterious.
Conclusion C: You don’t need talent, just someone who can mix audio.
3) Gratuitous use of auto-tune to make your terrible squawking sound like music.
Conclusion C again: You don’t need talent, just someone who can mix audio.
4) Slow down your hardcore rapping so that your voice sounds deeper and more authoritative, to the point of ludicrousness.
Conclusion C yet again: You don’t need talent, just someone who can mix audio.
5) Women are whores and b****es to be simultaneously degraded and glorified as nothing more than sex-holes-for-pay.
Conclusion D: It will sell even if half of the human race finds it to be ignorant misogynist trash. In fact, it will be so ubiquitous than some women grow to tolerate it.
6) The N-word is a perfectly acceptable term for “gentleman”, “friend”, “stranger”, “brother”, “father”, as a random expletive, interjection, or even as a compound word like Fake-N, P***-N*, Real-N*, or as a randomly inserted prefix for words that have absolutely nothing to do with male youths, or even human beings in general.**
Conclusion E: You don’t need to write lyrics, just randomly insert the N-word into your music and that makes you hardcore.
7) There aren’t enough songs about getting rich, and the problems associated with making it big and then having to deal with people who want some of your money.
Conclusion F: Complaining about the annoyances of being rich therefore dooms you to being rich.
8) Refer to hard drugs and running from the police in every other song.
Conclusion G: That makes you gangsta. Screw the police! Unless someone be illegally downloading my music, yo. That’s wack… g.
**9) If you actually can sing, make sure it’s only a song about how you can’t stop thinking about vagina and all the things you’d like to do to it.
Conclusion H: Make sure everyone knows that you’re not homosexual. This is very important, and technically counts as a love song.
In summary, if I wrote a song that was approximately 50% the N-word, with sprinkled lyrics about shooting cops and running drugs and using the money to get bling and whores, so that I could do all kinds of freaky things to your vagina when we get back to my place, auto-tune it until it sounds like I can sing, slow it down so it sounds like I have a deep threatening voice, and put echo all over the place, and completely copy someone else’s beat, the only thing I’d need to complete that song is about three minutes of just shouting out all my homies who are featured on this track, even if all they did was stand there and say “Yeah!” every now and then. That clearly deserves a career in music. Maybe they get a few lines where they bust out the N-word, just for a change of pace. And they can freestyle the N-word and just add it on to other words to make those words sound more N*-hardcore.
Do you think I’d make a cool million dollars and then spend the rest of my career complaining about how hard it is to live the life of a rich hard thug? Because this is what I am destined to do. And with your help, I may be able to. I realize I am so white that I am almost translucent, but I wouldn’t be the first white rapper. So I’m being fresh and true to myself by doing exactly what everyone else did before me.
Tell me, is there anything I’ve missed that would absolutely guarantee me success, merely by copying the masters of modern rap and R&B? All they do is copy each other until the entire radio station sounds like the same terrible noise all day long? I really want to contribute to this genre of musical artistry.
I may not know art, but I know what I like, and I like a cool million dollars, G.
Bling bling, bang bang, get the money, b****es and hos, N-word, dollah dollah bill y’all. See? I can do it. Get me some auto-tune and I will display artistry the likes of which you have only heard before about a million times.