Help me be nice to an interested gentleman

“Do you want to do this again?” sure sounds like asking for a date, especially if he paid for sushi for you.

This is the classic, and IMO polite, way to do it. Don’t make it obvious, just do it in passing. Gets the message across if necessary, while making nobody uncomfortable (which would probably be him if it is necessary, you if it isn’t). That’s assuming there really is someone you can mention; you can also mention someone you’re just interested in, which usually also gets across the message that he’s not in that category.

Which isn’t to say that you should be afraid of being straight-up and honest about how you feel/think about him, just that there’s no reason not to try the subtle approach first.
But regardless of how you work that, you should probably also be honest with him that you really can’t have him hanging out at your booth for any length of time, as even though the company is nice, you need to get work done.

At the point when he turned from a caring client to a hoverer, you should have extended your hand and said, “Gosh, Bob, I’m so grateful that you showed up. It means a lot to me. I hate to cut this short, but I really should focus on my work now.”

Also, very generally speaking, lunch = friends; dinner = date. So you crossed a line when you accepted his dinner invitation. You crossed another one if you allowed him to pay. When he asked if you were free for dinner, you missed a golden opportunity to nip it in the bud, even if it was a little white lie.

“Thanks, but I’m knackered.”
“Thanks, but I have a date.”

etc…

So I’d follow it up with an email: "It was wonderful to see you on Saturday, Bob. You sure went way beyond the call of duty! I’m so lucky to have earned your support in my business venture.

My first booth venture was a moderate success, but I’m thinking that if I could make it more interactive – perhaps working on a piece to draw patrons in – I could make it more successful. What are your thoughts on this?

Anyway, thanks also for dinner. If I ever make it up to (his hometown), I’ll be sure to reciprocate. Until then, I’ll continue to enjoy our business relationship. It’s so nice to collaborate with someone who shares a mutual passion for data analysis! If I’m ever in a position to offer a referral, you can bet that you’ll be on the top of my list."

OR, if you want to really nip it in the bud:

“Hi, Bob. I was just recruited for an extremely exciting business venture! Do you have any interest in working for me selling reputable cleaning products?”

If you really want to nip it in the bud:
“Sorry, can’t make it next weekend. I have to go in for a pregnancy/STD test.” (Bonus points if you can work both in.)
“I’ve thought of some names for our children - what do you think of Madison and Brayden?”
“My mother is in town - she’s looking forward to meeting you.”
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal saviour?”

My ideal rejection (seen from the recipient’s side): friendly, quick, unambiguous, definitive and above all with no attempt whatsoever at explaining why you aren’t into me.

I would also add that you really should let him know you’re not interested before he drives up for your next date . . . it would be a huge waste of his time and be so awkward for you.

There were some details missing in the OP that I left out because I was in a hurry.

The sushi dinner was his way of paying for the item he “bought” from me. He didn’t have enough cash on him (even though we had been standing right next to an ATM the whole day :smack:), so dinner was his way of paying me for the eucalyptus tree in the decorated flower pot he bought from me. Also, I had previously taken him out to lunch when we had a business meeting a while ago. So he felt like he “owed” me.

So that’s why I didn’t insist on paying my own bill. I wasn’t really being a “tease” :slight_smile: and in fact I did not eat $20 worth of food (the price of the item he “bought”). Still, I think I should have seen something like this coming and been prepared for the “tough” questions. But I always have a hard time in situations like this. Just do a search. You’ll see. :smiley:

I think I was just shocked that he would come all the way up from Norfolk. I felt obligated to entertain and be as friendly as possible and make it not a waste of time for him. Perhaps he had been expecting a spectacular art show instead of me just sitting at a card table under an elm tree, painting on a damn flower pot. I kept telling him to go walk around Carytown and see the sights since he had never been there before, but he said (in a joking way), “I want to stay here and bug you as long as I can.” I cannot relate to this mentality at all, though I don’t think it’s creepy or anything. Just seems like he would have at least gone window shopping a little bit and then come to check up on me every now and then. I would have been cool with that.

He will probably call sometime this week or next. And I’ll tell him if he plans to come up again to just let me know beforehand. And I’ll also say something like, “I just need to let you know, so that I don’t give you the wrong impression, that if we have dinner again I’d like to pay my own bill. I like having you as a friend and don’t want to change that relationship, you know? And if I’m totally reading too much into our last interaction, please forgive me.” Do ya’ll think that’s clear enough without stinging his heart too much?

I appreciate all the responses, by the way. I’ve learned some things that may come in handy in the future.

Monstro, I just thought of another question. Are you interested in having this guy as a friend? Like someone who you would hang out with completely outside of work?

Or would you rather your interactions be limited to work and cheerful banter on phone calls?

No, I’m not interested in having an outside-of-work friend. Should I be upfront about that too?

If it were me, I would probably not say that explicitly, (“I don’t want you as a friend, and sure as shit not as a boyfriend” :wink: ) and just manage to not be available to hang out the next couple of times that he suggests it—He will get the hint and will still be able to maintain a bit of face when you interact at work.

That said, there are those who will NEVER get a subtle approach, so in that case you may need to spell it out in black and white, but however it works out, I admire you for realising that stringing this guy along is the worst of all possible outcomes for both of you.

Good luck!!!

**Perfect. **This guy has not been behaving badly, and he’s simply doing what any of us would do----in one way or another----towards someone he’s developed an interest in.

I bet this works just fine.

Eta. And by putting it out there that maybe you are [potentially] misreading the situation you’re giving him an out for his feelings/embarrassment. He’ll likely make use of this and you can both gracefully chalk it up as miscues, even if he was interested in the first place.

Well, I think I would discourage him from coming up to visit you, etc, even as friends. I’m afraid I can’t think of a great way for you to do that . . . it’s much easier to say, “I don’t want to date but would like to be friends,” than, “I would really prefer to limit my interaction with you” :slight_smile:

I would also really like to give you mad kudos, monstro. Many women really are very happy to string men along and not as self-reflective as you are, or aware of the needs/feelings of the other party like you are.

What? No play for Mr. Gray? <cries>

4 hour round trip then hangs around all day not taking hints, then scores a stealth dinner date? If I’m driving 4 hours there’d better be lasagna, craft beer, and hot monkey sex involved.

He’s totally into you. You need to nip this in the bud if you don’t want his attentions.

If you want to maintain a good working relationship with this guy and not embarrass him, I think it’s time to roll out the “Stupid and Cheerful” card AND the Imaginary Boyfriend. Thank him for taking the time to keep you company and for dinner, tell him your boyfriend/new guy you are dating suggested using the time at the next craft show to do some work on a commission as a way to pique customer’s interest, and ask his opinion of that strategy. That will gently communicate to him that you intend to work through the next show, not chat, and that you are otherwise attached. Letting him think YOU are the clueless one will do wonders for his pride when he realizes you aren’t interested. Always leave someone room to retreat with their dignity intact.

I usually really like the “boyfriend” line, but in this case I think this would be a bit . . . obvious that you’re lying to give him the message. If you’ve been talking for a while and hanging out, etc, I think if you truly had a bf it would have been mentioned sooner. I like that line better for when you first meet someone who seems interested in you.

I do like the idea of super-duper emphasizing the business nature of y’alls relationship, and also emphasizing the business part of your weekend booth. How about an email like this:

Dear Nice Interested Gentleman,

Hi, hope you’re doing well. <insert blahblah small talk here>

I just wanted to clear the air one on point . . . I’m afraid I might have given you the wrong signal when I let you pay for dinner for me last time. I really enjoy working with you and our little chats, but I can’t go any farther than that/can’t date you/must limit our relationship to that (however you want to phrase it).

I also wanted to thank you for your purchases last week. The booth seemed really promising! I’m really hoping this week to be able to focus on connecting with potential customers. I think if I get a good turnout from this weekend, I could start a website or something, and sell fulltime. (Whatever. Just mention how you want to spend this weekend talking to people who are not him).

Sincerely,

Monstro

That sounds perfect. Personally, if I was single and interested in a woman who told me she had a boyfriend and then I found out that she didn’t, I would be upset.

I would stay away from saying you enjoy his company “as a friend”.

This only encourages him to continue the relationship and gives him hope that he will at some point convert you to his way of thinking ( your becoming his girlfriend).

You need to make it clear that you do not want him in your life in any capacity.

He is not nor will he ever be interested in being friends with you.

She should just assume that he’ll be a jerk who won’t respect her wishes and will try to force himself upon her unless she’s brutally honest?

Just out of curiosity, why isn’t his interest in you reciprocated? Is it purely the age difference, or is it just that that certain ineffable ‘something’ simply isn’t there?

She said she really didn’t want to have a friendship with him outside of work so mentioning friendship would seem to be the wrong thing to do.