Help me be nice to an interested gentleman

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My agency contracts with a university for a lot of data collection and analysis, and because I’m a data analyst myself, I have found myself colloborating with this one particular individual. He’s a nice guy. Funny, smart, though quite older than me and thus not hip to the same types of pop cultural things (mostly music) that I am. Which is alright. We make a good team anyway. He does his analysis and sends me data, and I do even more work on it and then present it at meetings every month. When he calls me up, we do several minutes of playful banter before getting to business. I think what you would say is that we are “good work friends”.

However, I suddenly realized he may feel differently than me. I had a grand opening of a sidewalk vending table this weekend (yay me, the small-business owner!) and he drove 2 hours just to come. I’d mentioned it to him in passing, not expecting he’d come all the way up here. He spent the whole day talking to me…in a kind of “keeping monstro company” way. I’m not sure if his presence effected sales or not, but I can’t say I was 100% comfortable with him being there. It wasn’t what I had planned for, first off all (I don’t like surprises when I’m doing something for the first time), and I wanted to draw patrons by actively working on a piece, which I couldn’t really do with him talking to me the whole day. I’ve been commissioned to do that particular piece, which is turning out spectacularly, so I was counting on having the whole day to work on it.

Anyway, the day wasn’t too bad. I got a few sales and some interested browsers. The guy bought one thing and then I gave him another one for free simply because I felt bad that he’d driven 2 hours to see me. I let him take me out to get sushi and then we walked up and down Carytown in the twilight, looking at store windows. We had good conversation, I admit. But I’m always able to keep up good conversation…even when I’m seething inside (which I wasn’t). It’s just that this wasn’t the way I had envisioned the day going. And plus, I felt like I was just stringing him along…

When I walked him to his car, he asked if I wanted to do “this” again. Not knowing exactly what he meant and not wanting to hurt his feelings (because he is a nice person), I said “sure”. Perhaps he just sees me as a friend and I’m freaking out for no good reason. But if he has visions of us being a couple, he’s heading for disappointment.

I’m afraid next weekend, he’ll show up at my table and it will be the same thing all over again. Me being a clueless, unintentional “tease”, and him thinking that he’s got a chance with me.

So I don’t know what to do about this. At what point should I say,“Hey, I like you as a friend, but that’s it.” At what point does “let’s grab dinner” become an official date? If he drives up 2 hours just to see me, how do I tell him that it’s very sweet, but that he shouldn’t do it anymore? I just don’t know what to say that won’t hurt his feelings and leave me feeling even more horrible than I already do.

I need advice. As usual. Please forgive the typos as I’m hurrying for work.

2

Take it as it comes. You are catastrophizing. You are obviously a pretty sharp cookie and can deal with whatever happens, so just go with the flow and deal with the problems if and when they arise, not before they even exist.

You are a woman and he is a man, so just like snakes and people, you are more scared of him, than he is of you, but he thinks it’s the other way around.

One hiss and he’ll run.

3

From your post, I cant tell if you’re a girl or a guy. Changes the strategy a bit. So, which are you?

4

“I let him take me out to get sushi” sounds like it was his treat, is that the case?

You say you think he may come next weekend and it will be the same thing over again. If that is the case, and you go out to eat again, if it was his treat this last time then insist that it be your treat next week.

If he has a better lunch budget than you, then take him someplace cheaper- the cost doesn’t have to be the same, but if you don’t want these outings to be “dates” then he can’t always be paying for both of you.

If you’re on a really tight budget, do coffee instead of lunch and insist on it being your treat.

If I’m wrong in interpreting your story to mean he paid for both of you for lunch, then you’ve already started off on the right foot. If he’s “quite a bit older” than you then he comes from a tradition where the man is supposed to pay on a date. Allowing him to pay reinforces in him the feeling that you’re on a date.

If you want to be friends, do what friends do. Split the check or/and take turns paying.

5

Well, maybe my approach is a bit too direct, but I wouldn’t want to waste any more of this guy’s time than necessary, so I would send him an email saying something like,

“I don’t want to sound presumptuous, but it just occurred to me that maybe you had non-platonic intentions. While I very much enjoy spending time with you as a friend, I’m afraid that right now I can’t do anything beyond that. I just wanted to clear the air on that, and again, I’d still love to hang out with you as buddies”–Monstro.

Or however you want to word it.

6

Monstro is a girl. :slight_smile:

7

“I don’t want to give you the wrong idea. I like being friends with you but that’s all it is for me. It occurred to me that you might have something else in mind and maybe you’ve been getting mixed signals, so I thought I’d bring it up before it becomes an issue.”

The sooner the better.

8

Sounds like he copped a stealth date. Set clear boundaries.

9

It’s not you, it’s me.

FWIW, your dude, already feels like he has been on one date with you, and has a green light for date #2.

10

Dating advice? Let’s try MPSIMS, where relationship threads usually live.

11

Ah, see, I wouldn’t have answered “sure”, I would have asked for clarification.

“Like this” as in “go out as friends”? From what you say, that’s a “sure”.

“Like this” as in “go out romantically”? That’s where you need to decide whether it’s a “sure”, a “let me think about it” or a “uh, sorry but no”.

“Like this” as in “monstro is trying to work while nice but clueless guy prevents that work from happening”? Find a nicely-fluffy, non-reinforced clue-by-four to hit him with.

12

Speaking from this young, clueless guy’s perspective, this dude definitely thinks you are at least somewhat into him. He feels like he’s been on one date already, and he is looking forward to the next one. You need to nip this in the bud as soon as possible. If you feel courageous, I recommend a phone call. If not, then a concisely and kindly worded e-mail should also do the trick. Do not let this drag on.

13

Yup. Be direct and be soon. The more you let him think there is a relationship developing, the worse it gets for him.

The kindest thing is to speak sooner than later.

14

Yep. Stealth date. Uncool if you’re not into him. Romantic if you are. Let him down, kindly, yet firmly, and the sooner the better.

15

“Uncool” as in the situation is uncool, or “uncool” as in it was an uncool thing for him to do?

I don’t think the guy did anything wrong- tactically bad maybe, but nothing for him to apologize for. He showed up to a place where he was invited (yes, she didn’t expect him to come, but she did invite him).

In his mind, it was probably “I’ll show up, and as long as I feel like it’s going well I’ll stay. I’ll look for signs from her, I’ll suggest lunch hopefully she’ll say yes!”

Of course, we in this Thread know that he read the signs wrong. We know he’s clueless. But from his perspective he’s doing well. Believing he’s doing well, he will try to continue on until he is either directly told he’s barking up the wrong tree or effectively discouraged and steered away.
Nothing happened that monstro didn’t allow to happen- and if she did allow him to pay for lunch, she inadvertently encouraged him.

So, if you mean “uncool” as in the situation is uncool, I agree with you.

If you mean “uncool” as in his actions were uncool, I don’t think he’s done anything in the wrong yet.

(Yes, he’s “wrong” in how he’s reading the situation but he’s not behaving badly.)

16

Good advice. Or, I guess you could always work the phrase “my boyfriend” or “this guy I’m seeing” into the conversation which seems to be a somewhat universal way of saying “I think you may be hitting on me and I’d like to discourage that without being too confrontational about it.”

17

I’m oddly grateful for the characterization of this guy as an “interested gentleman”. Many posters around here, when writing about a similar situation, might overdramatize and depict his actions as stalkerish and creepy. He’s just a clueless guy who thinks he has a shot. I’ve been there.

Let him down as easy as you can, but let him down. And do it soon.

18

I agree. I think it is unfortunate that he blindsided you and you didn’t have the right responses handy at the time (and this is NO criticism of you - that happens to everyone, all the time), and now you have to do a bit of damage control. I think palindromemordnilap’s suggestion is right on the money, “I don’t want to give you the wrong idea. I like being friends with you but that’s all it is for me. It occurred to me that you might have something else in mind and maybe you’ve been getting mixed signals, so I thought I’d bring it up before it becomes an issue.”

And do it sooner rather than later - the longer he thinks you had a date, the more let down he’ll be.

19

To the OP: If you choose to go the direct route I’d leave out the bolded part above. Saying “right now” may give him the idea that it’s the timing that’s off and not the way you feel about him.

Is it possible you could say to him something like…

That way you’re thanking him for his kindness but hopefully letting him know that you aren’t expecting him next time and you’ll tell him about it later.

Also, do you work with him face-to-face or mostly over the phone? If you see him at work maybe you could bring him coffee and something to eat when you say the above and add something along the lines of bringing the snacks to pay him back for the sushi. You could throw in something like “My friends and I don’t normally buy each other dinner so I wanted to pay you back.” Then I’d leave him to enjoy his snack.

20

This is really excellent advice and I make it my mission to share it with as many women as I can, whenever I talk to one who doesn’t know how to reject a guy. I have never, not even one time, been rejected in a way that was deliberately mean or hurtful. Probably because I am a really nice guy. The only time it ever hurts is when good natured women lead me to believe we might be getting somewhere.

Of course, I’m not bitter or resentful. I know it’s hard rejecting people. But it’s so much better to just do it rather than trying to be nice and avoid hurt feelings.