Help me create fake officer titles

In My Humble Opinion
1

Some of you may remember that in my real life I’m an NCAA and youth sports official.

There’s a local dive where we umpires hang out to have a beer or two, and enjoy the best wings (IMO) in the Atlanta area called Clay’s Sports Cafe.

So, just for fun, I created a group on Facebook called appropriately enough: Clay’s Sports Cafe (come join if you’re interested).

Today I was looking at the group, and realized I could name officers. This gave me a great idea to assign various officers with wacky and zany titles. (hey, now’s the time for you to imagine me winking, making a gun with my thumb and pointer finger, and then making that clicking noise w the side of my tongue).

So, help me come up with some titles for my officers.

2

General Secretary (the boss)

Officer in charge of crumpets (handles snack foods)

Chairperson/man/woman (as appropriate) (handles furniture at group gatherings)

Presiding officer (keeps the rowdies in line at group gatherings; also the bouncer)

Executive officer (executes the plans of others: gofer)

3

Head Peon

3rd Lieutenant Vice Deputy Assistant Undersecretary of .

4

Duke of Dumb Calls
Viceroy of Ham Sandwiches
Mayor of Turd Town
Prime Minister of Internet Porn
Dean of Officiating with One’s Eyes Closed

5

Surely I can’t be the only one who initially wondered what fake officer titties were.

6

In college, the dance team I was on had to submit some paperwork to the school (for funding, I think), and the paperwork required the signatures and titles of two student officers. Since we didn’t have any student officers, we just made up titles.

I think we ended up with “Grand Poobah” and “Lord Protector”. “Solicitrix General” and “Czar” were in the running, too.

7

For years I had “Vice President in charge of Menial Tasks” on my resume for one of my jobs.

Muammar always had some good titles.

8

Uber-Dude

Minister of non-specific Affairs

Colonel of Corn

9

Work “Comptroller” in there somehow.

10

Nice list so far. I have now incorporated several of these.

11

General Ledger
Commodore Sixtyfour
Private Parts
Corporal Punishment
Major Asshole
Commander Tositandstay
Judge Mental
Chief Bastard

12

You probably can’t include it on FaceBook but my current favorite is the one I heard about Rahm Emmanuel, the former Congressman and now Obama’s Chief of Staff.

He is known for his use of profanity and his blunt, confrontational style. His two brothers are also known similarly - the older one is a physician and the younger one is a Hollywood Superagent, the basis for Jeremy Piven’s character on Entourage.

Anyway, so his brothers gave Rahm a little Title Plate for his office - it apparently sits behind his desk on the credenza for all to see.

It says: Assistant Secretary of Go Fuck Yourself

I still laugh whenever I think about it…

13

Lord Warden of the Northern Marshes, Defender of the Downtrodden, Keeper of the Eternal Sacred Flame, Guardian of the Poor, Esq.

14

Do you have a Minister of Propaganda yet?

15

Minister of Meaningless Titles

Chief Shovel-leaner

Under-secretary of Self-Esteem Issues

Bow-exactly-two-inches-when-you-call-me-Master-Control-Freak

Lost Warden of GPS

16

First Tiger

17

HMFWIC*

*Head Mother Fucker What’s In Charge

18

If y’all are sports officials, or at least sports fans, maybe you should use sports-oriented officer titties … er, I mean, titles.

Head Whistleblower
Assistant Whistleblower
Offensive Whistleblower
Coordinating Whistleblower
First Chaingangster
Second Chaingangster

And like all clubs, of course, you’ll need “ranks” within the ranks:
Flagthrower First Class
Flagthrower Second Class
Flagthrower Third Class
Flagthrower Wannabe
Dude Who Wandered Onto the Field

19

In 2002, a friend of mine joined her company softball team. This was a government job team.

The team’s name was “The Department of Home Plate Security”.

Her husband, who played catcher, is a former Navy Seal.

They ended up winning the Championship that season.

BZ!

Titles: Chief of The Dept. of Homeplate Security?
Gatekeeper Gozer?
Seal Blower?

…or more ironically, “the Pirates?”

:cool: