Help me cut down my cover letter (long)

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ve always been under the impression that a cover letter should be no longer than one page with 1" margins on each side and in a font no smaller than 11 point. Working under these guidelines, I have created a cover letter for an internship position and now I’m in desparate need to cut it down to less than one page but don’t know where to cut from. I can’t go to my University Career Center because that’s where the internship is and it just seems sort of strange to ask their advice.

Anyway, minus all of the address lines and "sincerely"s here it is:

Thank you for taking the time to review my resume and cover letter. I am especially enthusiastic to have the opportunity to apply to L____’s Career Development Center. A number of personal, professional, and educational reasons lie behind my application to your Center. I intend to explain my interest in this letter.

In my position with the Department of Residence Life, I have had many opportunities to partake in practical activities that would transfer into my work as a Career Center intern. First, I have assisted in the organization and planning of the yearly mass hiring for our residence hall staff and several smaller-scale candidate searches for open professional staff positions. These hiring processes consist of resume’ and application reviews, interviews, and hiring meetings. Also, I serve as the supervisor to a growing Student Office Assistant staff. This staff consists of eight student employees. Happily, my responsibilities have grown from assigning projects and managing tasks to include formal trainings and an unofficial mentorship component. In this role, I have helped guide students in their academic major changes and future career choices, applications to graduate and veterinary schools, scholarship applications, and other areas. Specifically, I have reviewed numerous applications, resumes and cover letters for submission to several types of employers, graduate programs, seminars, retreats, and scholarship committees. During conversations with my staff, there have been several times that I realized the “advice” I was giving them mirrored conversations I would have as a professional. Namely, the encouragement to pursue whatever path would bring them the most satisfaction after all of the pros and cons had been weighed and the uncovering of resources to help them make and follow through with their choices. The opportunity to engage in these conversations with students has solidified both my decision to become a career counselor and my focus on working with college student populations.

Academically-speaking, my interest in Career Counseling originated during my final semester as an undergraduate. With the future looming before me and no concrete plan in place for post-graduation, I enrolled in the Career and Life Planning Lab at L_____. It was during the course of the semester that I learned more about the counseling profession and decided that I had a passion for it. Later, in my graduate coursework, I had the opportunity to take a Career Counseling course with Dr. SB. After analysis of theory, reading research in the field, and hearing Dr. B’s stories of clinical experience, I realized that career counseling, above other fields, best reflected my personal beliefs. Career choice is a major element of life satisfaction and the practice of it suits my goal-oriented attitude.

I know my history as both a student and full-time staff member in several university departments at L______would benefit the students you serve, in important ways. My prior knowledge of L__ University’s policies and processes, desire to improve relationships between university departments, tolerance and appreciation for change, and belief in L’s mission to make the world a better place through education and acceptance are some of the unique qualities I possess. Finally, it is my hope that with completion of an internship at L____, I will be exposed to a new component of the higher education system that will aid me in my career to come. With all of this said, I want to thank you and let you know that I am available to meet and discuss my qualifications for the position. I look forward to hearing from you.

2

Whoa there, wordy Joe. Don’t you have a resume?

For a cover letter, you don’t need the entire second paragraph. Beyond that, you use too much added verbiage. I can’t put in too much time here, but for starters, I’d trim the whole thing to about what I have below, and go from there. Lose all of the “I knows” and “it is my hope”.

I’m no HR person, but IMO, a cover letter usually just says what position you’re applying for, and then a couple specific reasons why you’re good for that job.

Thank you for taking the time to review my resume and cover letter. I am [del]especially[/del] enthusiastic (?) to have the opportunity to apply to L____’s Career Development Center.

[del]I know[/del] my history as both a student and full-time staff member in several university departments at L______would benefit the students you serve, [del]in important ways.[/del] My [del]prior[/del] knowledge of L__ University’s policies and processes, desire to improve relationships between university departments, tolerance and appreciation for change, and belief in L’s mission to make the world a better place through education and acceptance are some of the unique qualities I possess. Finally, [del]it is my[/del] I hope (?) that with completion of an internship at L____, I will be exposed to a new component of the higher education system that will aid me in my career to come. [del]With all of this said,[/del] I want to thank you and let you know that I am available to meet and discuss my qualifications for the position. I look forward to hearing from you.

3

You write just like my husband! You could try deleting all the stuff I’ve underlined, and perhaps adding the things I bolded.

Thank you for taking the time to review my resume and cover letter. I am especially enthusiastic to have the opportunity to apply to L____’s Career Development Center. A number of personal, professional, and educational reasons lie behind my application to your Center. I intend to explain my interest in this letter.

In my position with the Department of Residence Life, I have gained experience that would make me an asset to your department. had many opportunities to partake in practical activities that would transfer into my work as a Career Center intern.

[list]I have assisted in the organization and planning of the yearly mass hiring for our residence hall staff and several smaller-scale candidate searches for open professional staff positions. These hiring processes consist of resume’ and application reviews, interviews, and hiring meetings.
Also, I served as the supervisor to a eight-person growing Student Office Assistant staff. This staff consists of eight student employees, Happily, my responsibilities have grown from assigningwhere I assigned projects and managed/b] tasks including** formal trainings and mentoring an unofficial mentorship component. In this role, I have helped guide students in their academic major changes and future career choices, applications to graduate and veterinary schools, and scholarship applications, and other areas. Specifically, I have reviewed numerous applications, resumes and cover letters for submission to several types of employers, graduate programs, seminars, retreats, and scholarship committees. During conversations with my staff, there have been several times that I realized the “advice” I was giving them mirrored conversations I would have as a professional. Namely, the encouragement to pursue whatever path would bring them the most satisfaction after all of the pros and cons had been weighed and the uncovering of resources to help them make and follow through with their choices. The opportunity to engage in these conversations with students has solidified both my decision to become a career counselor and my focus on working with college student populations.
(if possible, I’d delete this whole paragraph - it’s unlikely that they truly CARE why you chose this field – what they really want is for you to prove that you’re competent)
Academically-speaking, My interest in Career Counseling originated during my final semester as an undergraduate**, when**. With the future looming before me and no concrete plan in place for post-graduation, I enrolled in the Career and Life Planning Lab at L_____. ThereIt was during the course of the semester that I learned more about the counseling profession and decided that I had a passion for it. Later, in my graduate coursework, I had the opportunity to take a Career Counseling course with Dr. SB. After analysis of theory, reading research in the field, and hearing Dr. B’s stories of clinical experience, I realized that career counseling, above other fields, best reflected my personal beliefs. Career choice is a major element of life satisfaction and the practice of it suits my goal-oriented attitude.

I know my history as both a student and full-time staff member in several university departments at L______would benefit the students you serve, in important ways. My prior knowledge of L__ University’s policies and processes, desire to improve relationships between university departments, tolerance and appreciation for change, and belief in L’s mission to make the world a better place through education and acceptance are some of the unique qualities I possess. Finally, it is my hope that with completion of an internship at L____, I will be exposed to a new component of the higher education system that will aid me in my career to come. With all of this said, I want to

Thank you for your time and let you know that I am available to meet and discuss my qualifications for the position. I look forward to hearing from you.

Good luck w/your job search!
Just to explain – it feels kind of strange to offer advice to someone already in your field, who has taken advance courses and helped others with their job-related correspondence, but I am pretty good at getting jobs, for myself and other people. What I learned is that employers really don’t give a rat’s patootie about US, all they really care about is THEMSELVES and how well WE will serve THEM. Anything else in your letter is a waste of time.

4

Well, in addition to the changes already suggested, I see a lot of bloated language, smothered verbs, etc.

I have assisted in the organization and planning of = I helped plan and organize
I served as the supervisor to = I supervised
I had the opportunity to take = I took
There have been several times that I realized that = I often realized that
“are some of the unique qualities I possess” = delete and revise to “I’m familiar with . . . , I’d like to . . . , " tolerate and appreciate . . . , etc.”

Remove words like “especially,” “very,”
Kill constructions like “there are,” “it has been,” “this is an X that is”: they are weak and wordy and can usually be made stronger and more concise.

And yeah, don’t duplicate anything that’s already on your resume. A lot of this stuff should be.

5

Thank you Trunk, fessie, and Scarlett67! I appreciate all of the feedback.

It’s funny. I can find these things in other people’s resumes and covers and have no trouble using red ink all over it, but it’s hard to pull it out of my own. Everything just feels like it belongs. Oh well, it’s off to Word I go.

6

IMO, a cover letter should look like this:

Paragraph 1: Enclosed please find [description of materials, which should include resume], which I submit in application for the position of [position].

Paragraph 2: As my resume reflects, I can/have/do [3 examples of professional skills reflecting whatever was asked for in the ad]. In addition, I am [3 examples of personal skills, such as good communication, writing ability, work and play well with others, whatever].

Paragraph 3: If you have any questions regarding my qualifications for this positon, please feel free to contact me at [contact info] at your convenience. Thank you for your consideration of my application.

IOW, the cover letter is merely a means to direct them to your resume, where your skills and background should be set forth. People think you should have a boilerplate resume and change the cover letter to address the specific job requirements; to the contrary, each resume sent can be tailored to the job you are applying for. In your case, all of the second paragraph should be in a resume. IMO, the third paragraph also could be fitted in a resume, maybe under the heading “Relevant Courses”.

A cover letter should be short, neat, and appealing to the eye in how it looks on paper. It should not contain any typos or grammatical errors. People are never hired on the strength of their cover letter, but they are frequently passed over for an interview due to the weaknesses revealed in their cover letter. So short and to the point is best, and “see my resume or CV” should be the gist of it.

7

Jodi’s descriptions of the paragraphs are exactly what I would say. Highlights based on the ad as you know it, to show your overall fit and to show you have a grasp of what they are looking for. Not a lot of detail. Speaking for myself, I would skim the cover letter to confirm that you know what you’re applying for and why you think you might fit (and for writing and presentation skills), and then I would concentrate on the resume. It can include all the detail you put in the sample letter here.