Need feedback on job app cover letter by end of 7/29

[Boyo_Jim]

I am applying for this job.

I need to submit by end of business Friday. Any constructive criticism is appreciated. I would especially like to shorten it some.

I have xx’d out a few items to protect my identity.

July 28, 2004

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is xx, and I wish to be considered for the position of MONONA TERRACE AUDIO/VISUAL TECHNICIAN. My resume, application form, and responses to the supplemental questionnaire are attached.

Presently I work as the Program Coordinator in xx Hospital’s Community Health Education Center. I arrange the logistical and technical details of about 3,000 meetings and events each year in the Center. I personally perform most of media work – linking various image producers to large screen monitors or projectors, setting up public address systems, etc. I have become a key player in virtually every hospital public event, even those outside my own department and location, a role even conceived for me when I was hired. In addition, I am the System Administration for two hospital-wide computer systems, and I produce most of the department’s statistical summaries. I function as the computer support person for our department because I am an expert in personal computers and most typical office productivity products, especially the MS Office Suite.

My media experience extends back more than twenty years. While working in college radio in Champaign, Illinois, I was hired by the National Federation of Community Broadcasters (NFCB) in 1980, and moved to their Washington, DC offices in 1981. I ultimately became the Operations Manager for their program distribution service, planning and executing distribution schemes for public radio series. I was active in the radio production community as well, becoming the Technical Director for Children’s Radio Theater for several live drama performances aired by National Public Radio.

In 1985, I left NFCB for more production-oriented work. I spent two summers in Columbia, Missouri as the Associate Director of the Midwest Radio Theater Workshop, and did free-lance recording work for clients such as the Christian Science Monitor and the Public Interest Video Network. In 1986, I began as a film projectionist/AV technician at the Smithsonian Institution and was quickly advanced to the role of “Senior Sound Reinforcement Specialist”, in which capacity I oversaw the technical aspects of most of their live artistic performances. The National Gallery of Art later hired me on the strength of my performance at the Smithsonian, and I worked for both until the National Gallery hired me full-time.

In 1992, a family medical situation (since resolved) brought me unexpectedly to Madison. Since then I finished a Bachelor’s program at UW that I had put aside years before, spent a couple of years in an administrative position at Covance, and for the last three years I’ve been coordinating the technical and logistical needs of meetings and special events at xx.

I look forward to an opportunity to discuss how well I might fit in with Monona Terrace’s staff.

Regards,
xx (name/adress/phone)

[friedo]

It’s pretty long for a cover letter, IMHO. You really only need a couple paragraphs describing your expertise and job history. There’s no reason to include the stuff about medical emergencies or other personal information, just say what you did and for whom. Finally, a personal pet peeve of mine is beginning a letter with “my name is,” since your name is on the top of the letter anyway, but some people don’t mind.

[Lsura]

Where I simply eliminated a word, I italicized the following worde. Otherwise it’s in bold or bold italics (I lost track of my plan partway through.) If something’s gone and there’s no formatting to indicate why, I just took it out to eliminate the size of the quote, with no changes.

I’m sure others have or will have suggestions as well!

Presently I work as the Program Coordinator in xx Hospital’s Community Health Education Center. I arrange the logistical and technical details of about 3,000 meetings and events each year in the Center. I perform most media work**, including** linking various image producers to large screen monitors or projectors and setting up public address systems. I have become a key player in virtually every hospital public event, even those outside my own department and location, ***was the role planned when you took the job? It sounds like you’re trying to say that it was not even conceived for you when you were hired, but I’m not sure.***a role even conceived for me when I was hired. In addition, I am the System Administration Administrator? for two hospital-wide computer systems, and I produce most of the department’s statistical summaries. I function as the computer support person for our department because of my expertise with personal computers and most typical office productivity products, especially the MS Office Suite.
Is this information they can get from your resume? If so, don’t list it here. Instead, emphasize the information some other way - I can’t figure out how at the moment (my brain hurts from too many cover letters that I’ve written recently! In 1985, I left NFCB for more production-oriented work. I spent two summers in Columbia, Missouri as the Associate Director of the Midwest Radio Theater Workshop, and did free-lance recording work for clients such as the Christian Science Monitor and the Public Interest Video Network. In 1986, I began as a film projectionist/AV technician at the Smithsonian Institution and was quickly advanced to the role of “Senior Sound Reinforcement Specialist”, in which capacity I oversaw the technical aspects of most of their live artistic performances. The National Gallery of Art later hired me on the strength of my performance at the Smithsonian, and I worked for both until the National Gallery hired me full-time.

Since arriving in Madison in 1992, I completed a Bachelor’s program at UW that I had put aside years before, spent a *specify the number of yearsof years in an administrative position at Covance, and for the last three years I’ve been coordinating the technical and logistical needs of meetings and special events at xx.

I look forward to an opportunity to discuss how well I might fit in with Monona Terrace’s staff.

[Bill_H]

• Cut it down to a third it’s size. two short paragraphs.
• Use lots of bullets
• DROP THE MEDICAL THING

Also, the cover letter is much less important than the resume. You may want to pass the resume around for suggestions, possibly even here.

[Boyo_Jim]

Thank you. Based on suggestions her, I reworked the letter into this:

July 30, 2004

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is xxxxx, and I wish to be considered for the position of MONONA TERRACE AUDIO/VISUAL TECHNICIAN. My resume, application form, and responses to the supplemental questionnaire are attached.

My technical media experience extends back more than twenty years, starting in college radio. Learning to operate a new piece of hardware or software is a routine experience. More often than not I work alone, but I have directed or been a member of many technical teams to pull off special events or performances.

In my career as a media technician, my employers all came to entrust me with their highest profile public events. I stood out from other technicians because of the thoroughness of my preparation, as well as my troubleshooting skills and unflappable nature when technical problems arose. I’m very methodical at problem solving, very concerned that things work well, and customers see that in me.

I look forward to an opportunity to discuss how well I might fit in at Monona Terrace.

xxx

[Boyo_Jim]

I’d like to thank again those of you who responded to my request. I have made it through the first cut, and I’ve been sent the questionnaire that constitutes Phase II, the essay portion. I have 5 questions about my technical skills in different areas to answer.