Short version: My husband has been after me for the last few years to take a multi-week road trip to the Midwest to visit people he knows out there, including former roommates (he lived out there for a few years before we met), etc. He doesn’t fly.
To me, a born-and-bred New Englander, a road trip is anything more than 2-3 hours in a car. I don’t particularly like car travel. We never took road trips when I was growing up because neither of my parents liked car travel – if we went somewhere, it was far enough so we could fly. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
A few years ago I accompanied a friend down to KY. We drove for 24 hours almost nonstop because my friend had to be there by a certain time. I put on a good face, but man, it was so, so SO painful. We did take brief rest stops, we had audio books, snacks, music, we played word games, the whole bit. The car seats were comfortable. I enjoyed driving through states I’d never traveled through before (heh, I had no idea PA was so big, for example). What was painful for me was not just being cooped up in a car but also the time/distance factor, like crossing PA, for example: X hours and we’re STILL in that state?
My husband loves driving long distances. He’s driven out to TX and MN for business trips. He has everything down to a science. He doesn’t understand why I don’t wish to repeat the experience. I mean, I KNOW he wouldn’t drive straight through like my friend did. We’d make reservations at various motels along the way so I’d be certain we’d have a definite place to shoot for.
I just have too many doubts. I just want to get to where we’re going ASAP. My husband believes the journey is just as important as the destination.
Can you to into a bit more detail about your fears/anxiety? It seems to me that there is a little more going on than “driving just isn’t my cup of tea”, and it’ll be helpful to know where that anxiety is coming from.
All I can think of is doing some research on the route-- local history, wildlife you may spot en route, interesting places to stop, etc. Read up on the area you are driving through so you can feel a bit more immersed in it.
A long road trip is just about the only thing on my bucket list, but even so, I am also not looking forward to those really long stretches between stops.
I think my best option will be to have a small motorhome so that I can take naps and maybe watch some movies or something. Between that and xanax, I’m hoping it won’t be too bad.
I’m not sure. I’m not a nervous traveler by any means – I love going to new places, exploring new cultures, etc. I’ve been to Europe twice, the Caribbean three times, Hawai’i, CA…I’d kill to go to Australia/New Zealand. The longest road trip I’d taken prior to the KY one was a school field trip up to Quebec City, which is maybe 5-6 hours away.
I think part of it is the novelty. When you say “go on a trip” to me, I automatically think someplace not easily accessible by car. My husband’s fear of flying, OTOH, translates into “multiple hours away where I can be in charge of driving”.
That’s what my husband says. He says there’d be nothing stopping us from slowing down and taking in something interesting on our way to X. I can’t even think that way because my anxiety screams WHEN DO WE GET THERE???
That’s one of my fears, actually. Some people like to take their time and experience the journey itself. That makes me nervous as hell and I don’t know why.
Heh, my BIL and SIL did exactly this. They have two young sons, and having the motor home greatly alleviates the ARE WE THERE YET? factor.
I’m not claustrophobic by any means, but for some reason being cooped up in a car for long stretches makes me antsier than being on a plane for X hours. I don’t know why that is.
So it sounds to me like there are two things going on:
1: The proposed destinations just don’t seem like a “trip” to you, and if you had your way you’d choose to spend your vacation time someplace more exotic.
2: You just want to get where you are going.
For number one, I can’t help you. Wandering around the Midwest seeing other people’s roommates doesn’t sound like the best vacation ever to me, either.
Either you suck it up because you are keeping hubby company and making his dreams come true, you find something about the trip to be excited about (I’d do this by learning local history, looking up offbeat attractions, and finding local foods to try, but there are any numbers of ways to bring some focus) or you and hubby agree to take separate vacations. You may also consider flying in and meeting your husband there, avoiding the road trip and freeing up some vacation days for something that you like better.
For number two, I think everyone (including myself) is wrong with the “take it slow, stop often” approach." Instead of thinking of it as a long meandering road trip where you are stopping at random places to sleep, I’d block it in to a series of distinct destinations. I’d plan to drive in the mornings, and spend the afternoons and evenings exploring towns and cities. That way, you aren’t constantly in a state of being on the way to somewhere else.
Another option (which may or may not be practical-- I’ve had good luck finding affordable tickets, but it’s not always easy), would be to consider a train journey.
I think one of the things that makes car journeys so annoying is that you are always in decision making mode- Do we stop or not? Should we go faster? Where are we eating? Do we try the shortcut to avoid traffic? Is it ok to get into Town X later? Or do we just want to get there?
A train might be a bit more like a plane, where you can sit back and relax, knowing you’ll make it to the final destitution eventually.
OK, we’re whittling down what the anxiety is. So far I see “having to go long times without any stops”, “watching the time” and “stops that weren’t restful enough because we were watching the time”.
What are your planning styles like? Are they similar, or very different?
Maybe try some planning to inject some fun? In advance, look for interesting stops along the way – maybe a museum or a great local restaurant every day (or twice a day) that you plan to stop at; several books on tape that are long and very well reviewed (particularly something exciting); look up word games like 20 questions you can play when you get bored of the books on tape and music; buy some weird snacks (like from ethnic grocery stores) that you normally wouldn’t try and break one out to snack on every hour or two; look for parks or beautiful scenery along the way to stop and stretch the legs and take photos; etc.
See, depending on how well their planning styles match and on how they view plans that would reduce the stress or add to it. If either one will be spending the time between stops fretting because “it closes at 6 and if we don’t get there before 5 we won’t have time to see it!” then it doesn’t reduce the stress, but add more. So the first question is, which will it be?
My friend was coming from ME. Stopped to pick me up in MA. Only prolonged stop was to have lunch with a mutual friend in southern NJ. Other than potty breaks, we were on the road.
“Vacation” to me means staying at the beach or at a lake or in the mountains, all of which are within a day’s drive (if that) from home. “Trip” is definitely more exotic.
I’m very impatient when it comes to traveling. I couldn’t care less about the journey itself – just get me there.
Separate vacations except for the occasional weekend away has been our default. I can always find somebody to visit or something to do, and I don’t mind doing the latter by myself. My husband, OTOH, needs company and is very picky as to what he’d like to do (he hates the beach, for example – he has to be BUSY ALL THE TIME which in turn is IMO the larger issue on his part. Road tripping means he’ll be driving most of the time; ergo, he’ll have SOMETHING TO DO). He hasn’t seen these friends in the Midwest for over 10 years even though he’s very much in touch with them. There have been marriages and births since he last saw them. They’re part of his chosen family. I’ve only met two of them and that was when they were visiting family back here a few years ago.
I don’t mind sucking it up. I think what else bothering me is the distance. It’s SOOOO FAR, comparatively speaking. It’s not driving from here to NYC or NJ, the distance to both I’d consider to be “road trips” (4-5 hours, depending on traffic).
I have a Facebook friend who maps out and posts itineraries for the road trips she and her husband occasionally take. She loves researching stuff like that. I should ask her for some tips
I love driving and that sounds like an awful, awful trip. Idea: Can he drive down, you fly down and meet him somewhere, and then drive back? OR: can you drive down with him, and at some point, he drops you at the airport and you fly back?
It doesn’t sound like he’s being remotely flexible. “he doesn’t fly”? And if you were just to flat out say “I am not going to be in the car that long, I hate it”?
Yes, I would say a motorhome is your best bet. If not, I would definitely rent a large-ish car that you can be comfortable in.
That’s a 13-14 hour trip, so counting a couple of hours for lunch, 24 hours is still too long. Maybe part of your anxiety is from a distorted sense of time when you’re in the car? I’m not being snarky; I loathe road trips for the same reason.
I’m the planner. I want the general gist of where we’re going, when and where we’re stopping, and getting there by X time if we’re going to do Y.
He’s the footloose “let’s see what happens” type. In the past, if he wasn’t able to secure a motel room, say, he’d think of nothing of pulling into a rest area and taking a nap. I couldn’t do that. I’d be too scared shitless in the stranger-waiting-to-attack-me-in-a-strange-area kind of way.
Needless to say, all this has caused a lot of strife and it still does. It’s the reason why we take separate vacations. Neither of us wants to compromise, which in turn, is part of a larger issue I don’t want to get into right now.
Google maps says Bar Harbor, ME to Paducah, KY is over 22 hours. I was surprised that ME to KY could be that far.
Kiz, I’m not much of a fan of road trips, either, but I’ve learned to endure them over the years. I actually much prefer when I drive, because then I don’t feel as trapped in the car. I also really like to have an itinerary that breaks up long stretches.
Where are the Midwestern destinations? Dopers have lots of good travel recommendations. Maybe we can find things to look forward to in the places you’ll be visiting?
Your previous experience was a long trip with almost no breaks. This one will be different–with stops to sleep every night. Do some research online to find points of interest. Mention some of the specific stops here–Dopers will have ideas.
Bring a Kindle so you’ll have something to read. Consider a Kindle Fire–so you can download a few movies for watching. (Not much company for hubbie–but it sounds like you need serous therapy. Think of this as a chance to grow.)
I didn’t grow up with many road trips–I think that was something families with fathers did. When Mom took a time off in the summer, we might get a short trip to some other place in Texas–San Antonio if we were lucky. I wish I’d had more road trips & wish I had a way to take a few nowadays.
Really, I grew up in Texas. Where we have miles & miles of nada…
