Help me help my gay Mormon friend

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m sorry if this post is only semi-coherent, but I’m hung over and I need some advice as soon as possible.

I was out with some of my “misfit” friends last night at a bar. I’m not being critical by calling them misfits because they are still young and I have a lot more hope for them than myself. I’m in my mid forties and they are from the early 20’s to about 30 yrs old. None of these people are my best friends but I meet with them occasionally and care for their welfare.

One of these friends is a gay male about 27 years old who confided quite a bit to me last night. Since I am not gay, I hope that some of our gay members might have more insight than myself. My friend is from a Mormon family. I don’t know if that is relevant, but I include that in case it has something to do with his mindset.

Additional details:

He is not a practicing Mormon, but has been visited by one or more Mormon pastors (is that the right term?) at least twice in the last few weeks because his parents are worried about him.

He was diagnosed as HIV+ 3 or 4 years ago but seems perfectly healthy (to me anyway) at this point.

He says that he loves his parents very much. They know that he is gay and HIV positive.

He has three siblings. He is closest to one sister. One brother is estranged from the family and he is the only one that keeps in contact with him and all of the other family members.

Here is what I am worried about.

He considered killing himself when he found out he was HIV+ but he wants his sister to get his life insurance and he thinks suicide would prevent her from getting any money so he is just waiting (hoping) to die from AIDS. I don’t think that his sister has any particular need for the money.

He was on meds for a time, but he had some sort of bad reaction such as skin rashes or some such so he quit that. I told him that it is possible that in the past three years treatment may have improved to reduce the side effects that he found intolerable from the treatment. Does anyone know if this is true? He also said that he explained to his parents that the treatment could cause sterility (news to me) and that is another reason not to get treated. The odd thing is that he has no intention of ever having a child, but he wants his parents to have that hope. I told him that a little white lie to his parents wouldn’t hurt in telling them that there is a new treatment that doesn’t cause sterility. Especially since he is already basically lying to them about the possibility of fathering a child.

That’s pretty much it. He agreed to meet with me early this afternoon to discuss all this in more detail. If anyone has any ideas on how to approach this or new info on HIV/AIDS treatment I would appreciate it. BTW, he hasn’t even had any tests done for a long while to check the progression of his HIV.

He seems to not being logical about all this (especially the sterility issue). He claims to want to do anything to make his parents happy, but I don’t see how him dying would make his parents happier than having the hope of a grandchild. :confused:

Any ideas?

Thanks in advance.

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Medications have come quite a long way in the last few years. They really have way fewer side effects than they used to. I know someone who doesn’t seem to suffer from any side effects at all unless he consumes vast amounts of alcohol. He’s very fit, very healthy and strong as an ox. No complaints at all about side effects.

Your friend’s logic really is quite off the wall, but really not much more so than anyone who’s been diagnosed with a potentially fatal condition. Some people deal with it in strange ways - not looking into possible treatment options is one of them. Kind of like a misguided guilt thing – where you feel guilty for being “sick” and it presents quite a blow to your self-esteem. So you “resign yourself to your fate.” A friend of mine ignored her diabetes for a couple yearswith that same kind of attitude until she snapped out of it and realised that even though it would never go away, it could still be controlled and she could live a long and happy life.

HIV can be fought back quite a bit, and the drugs are nearly the devastating cocktails that they used to be. No idea about sterility, it’s never come up in discussion with anyone I know who’s HIV+.

You can look stuff up here though: http://www.aidsmeds.com/. It very up-to-date about what treatmetns are avialable and what to expect from them.

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Ahem, pardon me. That should have been “the drugs are NOT nearly the devastating cocktails that they used to be.” Important to clear that up…

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Thanks for the link Charmian. I’ll check it out.

Your post reminded me to ask something else. My friend said that if he were on meds, he could not smoke or drink at all. I don’t think that is right because I have known other folks who could drink in moderation on meds (I think). Yes, no, maybe?

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rsa, you might pass along the relevant information from this website to him:

link. It basically says Magic Johnson is doing quite well 11 years after getting HIV.

" “He said, ‘Man, whatever you’re doing, just keep it up, because you look great,’ " said Johnson, who exercises regularly and takes medications.”

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I have had plenty of pos friends who smoked regularly and drank irregularly. Of course it is better for you if you don’t but it isn’t the worst part of the side effects. As Charmian pointed out, the meds aren’t nearly as toxic as they used to be. There are still some side effects that deal with some muscle loss and belly distension though. :frowning:

As for your friend, he is nuts. Why not convince him to get some therapy. I have had friends who have been positive for over 15 years. My best friends older brother was retroactively diagnosed as being positive since 1978. :eep: That puts him in the first wave of positive individuals. He is still alive and healthy. As the years go on I would guess that if he took a proactive approach to life he would live fully and for a long time. He won’t do that until he is happy with himself. As for my friends they date normally. One of them has been with his current negative boyfriend for over 10 years. The wanting to die because you are positive thing really bothers me.

Alfo, from what it appears to me, every 5 years or so there is some drastic medication improvement that have less and less side effects. However, these drugs won’t have miracle effects unless he remains at least somewhat healthy now as a general rule.

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Well, when it comes to medication smoking and drinking are “always bad.” So in general, you shouldn’t do either if on any medication. ie/ If my allergies are bugging me, I take a Claritin, I shouldn’t have that beer. Both can exacerbate side effects of meds in some people – but that’s true no matter what kind of medication you’re on, whether it’s wicked chemotherapy, or over-the-counter meds for the sniffles.

There are a lot of drugs out there that are very bad when it comes to alcohol use – again, that’s in general, not just HIV meds. ie/ painkillers, barbiturates

The few people I know on HIV meds drink socially (I can’t recall if any are smokers at the moment.) The one only has problems if he gets really drunk, but then the effects are more “nuisance” side effects (like insomnia or bed wetting) rather than really awful side effects.

BTW – often, the side effects go away after a month or so of the meds. Like the rash your friend described. One drug causes side effects in some people that include a rash, makes you scatterbrained and emotionally quite whiggy for awhile. But in most people, it goes away after three weeks or so. They recommend you don’t abandon a particular course of treament for awhile – give your body a chance to adjust. Then if the side effects are particularly pesky or too uncomfortable, they can try something different.

Another BTW – I did a search on “sterility” at the AidMeds website and it didn’t pop up as a common side effect. (It just showed up in an article about infertility treament: HIV+ women being unjustifiably excluded from fertility treatment.)

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And FTR, while I wouldn’t choose “nuts,” I do agree with Dorkus inasmuch as it sounds like your friend is looking for excuses to avoid treatment. Again, as in my first post: The clicking your heels three times and repeating “I wish this would just go away. I wish this would just go away.” Sort of a fear-paralysis/avoidance technique because you are so overwhelmed by the suckiness of the situation, you can’t even really acknowledge it. (If he goes to get treatment, then he must be sick.)

He probably could benefit from therapy or some kind of support group. Just to really get it in his head that it’s okay to be sick/infected. It sucks. But it’s okay. Life isn’t over the moment one’s diagnosed and life’s not going to be crap-only from this point on.

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Thanks to everyone for the replies so far. You have given me some good ideas to discuss with my friend. In particular, I agree that some therapy would help if I can convince him to try that.

I don’t know how long he tried the meds but as was mentrioned he may not have stayed on them long enough to let his body adjust to them.

I also think that his concern about sterility may be unfounded. So far that seems to be caused by some other STDs, but not AIDS (although I’m still looking).

Thanks again.

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Being Mormon probably isn’t helping all that much either - a cult of homophobic, hypocritical, bigots, but we’ll leave that to another post at another board.
It sounds to me like a combination of depression and fatalism that I too believe needs more psychological therapy than medical at this point. I think it is great that you are meeting with him and I would suggest he meet with one of the many HIV support groups. I am absolutely sure there are some good groups in the Dallas area - call any one of them and they will give you a complete list of what is out there - there must be one group that would be more relevant to your friend’s needs.
And no offense, but by the fact that you are hung over, I am guessing the whole gang had more than one cocktail - if that is the case, sometimes late night sob/horror stories have a tendency to be more dramatic after having a few drinks. You might have heard the nightmare version, but not the daytime reality version. Try having that same discussion over coffee in the afternoon.
I wish the guy all the best, and hope you can guide him in the right direction - but you can’t force that horse to drink the water, so good luck!

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Wait…his parents know he’s HIV positive and he still wants them to cling to the hope that he could potentially father a child? Why–so he can potentially pass on HIV to the child?

Although his flawed logic doesn’t have much to do with either his homosexuality or his religion, here’s the support group for gay & lesbian Mormons: www.affirmation.org .

Sounds like he needs counseling to get out of his suicidal & self-destructive (not taking meds) habits.

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Great link booklover. I printed out their brochure. Although I don’t know for sure, I suspect he may have some guilt issues related to his parents religion and his sexuality.

Thanks.

And I do hope that the alcohol was making him sound more fatalistic than he actually is.

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In addition to advances made in HIV meds, in vitro fertilization has been progressing by leaps and bounds. With TWO positive parents, the risk of transimssion to the baby can be less than 10%. The father’s HIV status is much less significant than the mother’s.

There are new techniques, such as “sperm washing,” under development to allow a woman to become pregnant from a HIV+ man without the risk of HIV transmssion. Last I remember reading about it was 3 or 4 years ago. It’s available in Italy, United Kingdom, Spain, and Switzerland. IIRC, they are still studying it in the U.S., but in Italy around 200 babies have been born using this method and artificial insemination and none of them are HIV+. It is still NOT risk-free, but they are hoping that eventually, they will find away to eliminate the risk altogether.

There’s an article about it here if you want an idea about how it’s done.

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Ah, I found an article on another method those kooky science guys are studying.

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Charmian, I agree that nuts was probably too strong a word. I still feel this friend could use a good dose of love myself therapy.

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I don’t agree with Mormon theology but I won’t get nasty about it . He’s in a very tough place though as the LDS church isn’t tolerant of homosexuality to put it mildly. Giving his parents hope of having a child sounds bizarre but IIRC having children is a requirement for Mormons to get into the highest, or celestial level of heaven.

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I don’t know how to make a website link, but

www.exmormon.org

is another website that might be of use to you and/or your friend. It’s a site for ex-mormons (obviously) but mormons also post to it. It’s very popular, so there are a lot of people there to talk to.

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Hey, isn’t that neat! It does it automatically. heh :slight_smile: