My Dad had a stroke sometime during the night on Sunday. Last night, he got worse, and Mom has taken him to the hospital. He has diabetes, and has been in agonizing pain for many, nay months before this, with a mystery condition that doctors have not been able to find a cause for. Dad has had 3 MRIs and seen numerous specialists and a chiropractor. On Friday, he gave up on medical help. On Saturday, he said he didn’t want to live anymore. On Sunday, he had a stroke. He is no longer able to speak beyond “yes” and “no.” This might be compounded by the fact that his native language is German (I have suggested to Mom that she speak to him in German as much as she can. She’s fluent, but rusty in it). I don’t know much more about his condition right now.
My brother lives at home, and my sister flew in today and will stay for a week. I will be flying home two days after she leaves, and staying for a week as well.
What I am trying to do is think of ways to be helpful to both my parents, both before I get into town and once I’m there. I obviously have no idea how much longer Dad will be hospitalized.
I could use help in figuring out ways to assist. So far, here’s what I’ve thought of:
Read aloud to him. I’ll bring funny/interesting books and maybe the daily paper.
Call home daily, and write letters to mom and dad.
Talk to his doctors or nurses about acceptable food, and bring it to him.
When I am home, assemble meals to freeze so Mom won’t have to cook even after I’ve come back to MN.
Does anyone know of good recipes to use when you plan to freeze the food?
… beyond that, I am stuck. What else can I do?
Also any thoughts or prayers you can give him would be much appreciated.
I am so sorry to hear this. My grandmother is in a similar boat. She has what’s called essential tremors. They did brain surgery on her over the summer and said there was a risk for stroke. Well, she’s had multiple tiny strokes in the last few months and she’s progressively getting worse. Currently she and my grandfather are living with my mother and step-father so they can take care of her around the clock. It’s hard on the family and we don’t know how long she’ll be around.
Your list sounds wonderful. I would try and make him as comfortable as possible and help your mom out as much as you can (housework, laundry, cooking, errands, etc.). Talk to her about “plans” and if she needs you to do any of the work for her so she can spend as much time with him as possible. He may be around for a long time still, but prepare yourself for the worst.
You could make lasagna (or any baked pasta dishes), throw a roast in a slow cooker, chicken dishes, etc. If you want some recipes, my favorite site is AllRecipes. Making some meals ahead of time is a wonderful way to help you relieve stress and meditate, as well as free up some time for your mother. Some other dopers will be in here soon to share some other tidbits as I know I’ve missed some things.
Your family is in my thoughts. Please be safe in your travels and know you can always come here to vent. Keep us updated. Many hugs to you and your family.
In addition to your list and the other suggestions
Music.
Physical contact. At the moment his only handling will be by medics. Even if you are not normally touchy-feely this would be a good time to start.
-Meals. Most food can be frozen easily enough. Cook in big batches and store it in several smaller containers. That way if people are coming and going at different times they will be able to take out a meal-size portion rather than having to reheat food for a whole bunch of people.
If there are bills/rent/mortgage to pay call your father’s creditors’ and let them know what’s happening. If things get hectic and you forget to pay on time they will be more inclined to be helpful if you have told them upfront that you might have problems remembering to pay.
And lastly - remember to make time for your own feelings. Vent to friends or even just to us. Don’t bottle it up. hugs you
As someone, five years ago, who spent quite a bit of time bedside (I assume like your mom): there were two things that were done for me which I will never forget; one: leftovers from Christmas Eve party were brought to me Christmas Day in the hospital and, two: friend brought christmas presents to hospital to share with me.
Take your mom out to dinner - she can use the time to chat; second, talk to your dad about how much you love him and memories that you have.
There is a time for everything and even though he perhaps can’t react, he can remember…along with you. Funny stories, etc… It’s been five years and I still can’t get through writing something like this without breaking.
Thank you so much for the suggestions. PinkMarabou, I love AllRecipes! I had forgotten about that site, so I will go browse around in it.
zelie zelerton, the idea of music is a great one. In fact, Dad had built a playlist on his Mac of music he loves. I’ll talk to Mom about bringing it to the hospital and queueing up his favorites – with headphones, if needed. In fact, just having his laptop there could be nice. He loves that thing. Thanks for making me think of it.
Canadiangirl, I’ll be sure to pamper Mom as much as she’ll allow when I’m there. Dinners and backrubs and playing with her hair are guaranteed! I was also thinking of bringing in some favorite family photos of mine and talking about them with him. That would be a good way to reminisce, I think, with props.
Thanks so much for the support, all of you. It means a lot to me.
Can you bring in a few pictures from happier times, remind him of things he was proud/glad to do? Can you build a small stockpile of essential things for them? Canned and dried goods, (staple items that you know they use) toothpaste, soap/shampoo, toilet paper, laundry/dish detergant, lightbulbs etcetera? I don’t mean fill her house to the brim with toilet paper, but maybe buy one extra package if there is room, and be sure they aren’t about to run out of the other things too soon? Do small household maintaince things too, like checking the smoke detector batteries.
You’ve gotten some great suggestions so far, especially with the music for your dad. Do bring headphones, in case he’s not in a private room. Also, don’t feel badly if your dad seems to need a break from your talking or reading to him - he will get tired eventually, and then you can take that time to look after your mom a bit (go to lunch, go for a walk, anything so that she has a change of scenery and feels free to vent her own cares and concerns without worrying about your dad hearing).
Allrecipes is a great place for ideas. I totally recommend making some soups - I do this all the time, since I live alone and hate cooking just for myself when I get home from work. Split pea, navy bean, lentil, carrot… all sorts of things like that freeze really well (just avoid recipes with cream or milk in them), and you can divvy them up into individual portions before freezing. Make a big batch of pasta sauce - I usually put in ground beef or turkey and some chopped bell peppers, etc. - and freeze individual portions in 8 oz containers. Chili works well, and try some goulash too.
In addition to going over your mom’s bills, basic stuff like tidying the house, doing laundry and so on will help her feel that home isn’t out of control either.
Best wishes to your dad for a swift recovery, and to you and all in your family.
Sorry to hear about your Dad. We went through this with my FIL and it can be very draining on the primary caretaker. FIL didn’t have a real bad stroke…I can only imagine what a more serious one would have been like.
Strokes are weird. They affect different people in different ways. My FIL was fine physically, but his memory was affected. He lost a few decades of basic memory. His sense of humor changed. He forgot that he loved his computer and never touched it again.
You’ll see a degree of recovery in the first few months. I believe the doctors said the majority of recovery will happen within six months or it won’t happen at all.
Things that helped:
We moved his bed into the main living area so he could see the TV, listen to music, and be watched closely (he started ordering stuff on the phone…he eventually was forbidden to answer the phone at all). He was able to be part of whatever was happening.
We drew him into discussions of current events and tried to connect them to events he had experienced.
One thing we had no luck with, but that I feel would have been a great help if we could have done it, was EXERCISE. Try to get him to walk with you if he’s ambulatory. Short walks to a store…to the corner…around the block. Anything you can do to keep him mobile. My FIL resisted this, and I think his relatively rapid decline was due in part to him becoming so inactive.
Give your mom breaks whenever possible. You or someone else can stay with dad and arrange an outing for mom. She may feel guilty about doing something for herself, but you need to make her understand that she’ll be better for Dad in the long run if she has periodic breaks. It is extremely taxing on the caretaker to be there 24/7. Encourage her to go to lunch with friends, go shopping, EXERCISE, go to the movies, etc. Even an hour away once or twice a week can help her maintain the frame of mind needed to keep on keepin’ on.
Good luck! It sounds like your mom has lots of good support. You have a good family and that’s the basic ingredient for getting through this.
Definitely freeze soup. Its easy to cook from frozen, easy on the digestive system of the older folks, and easy to eat if your father is or will be having trouble swallowing. And you can make it in a big pot on the stove or in a crockpot while you are visiting at the hospital.
Call your father’s friends and tell them how to get a hold of him at the hospital so he can talk to his friends and not feel so isolated.
When my grandpa was in a skilled nursing facility, I took my kitty to visit. He loves her and she loves being told how cute she is, so they’re perfect for each other. See if you can make arrangements for an animal to visit, especially if he has a pet or a favorite someone else’s pet.
Do something that they have been meaning to get around to and will be happy they don’t have to worry about anymore. Oil change in the car, clean out the basement, wash the windows, take old clothes to charity, etc.
If he will need long term care, discuss his needs with medical folks and the family and make arrangements or make a list of phone numbers that your mom can call if/when she needs help helping him. Most communities have visiting nurses that can come for an hour to help him shower, check his vitals, etc. or respite care or adult day care where your mom can take him when she needs to run errands or can come stay with him if she needs to go to the grocery store. Even if your mom says she wont need them, leave her the information so she can decide later to call them. Meals on Wheels is also in most areas so you can arrange to have lunch delivered for a very modest price.
For food, I am thinking of making some butternut squash soup, split pea soup, and then some spinach lasagna and some jambalaya. I’m a pretty good baker, too, so some loaves of oatmeal and whole wheat bread are coming up, too. I think I’ll just cook and bake during times when I am home. I [heart] AllRecipes.
I talked with Mom briefly about bringing in a nurse if/when Dad comes home again. There are nurses through their church who are trained to provide both physical and spiritual support, and my sister and I had talked about helping to pay for that. Mom has been the sole breadwinner for a few years now, so I don’t know how open she will be to help with bills and finances. It’s always been a pretty private thing with her, but I will certainly offer. (Dad is not covered under health insurance, and that has me pretty worried, too.)
Love the suggestions of pets and friends – I hadn’t thought of that at all. I’ll also do what I can for getting some exercise in, but I think that will be difficult because of the pain he’s been in for so long. When I was home at Christmas, he couldn’t even sit for more than about 45 minutes, and going up or down stairs was exhausting. We’ll just have to see.
Thanks again, all of you. I will keep this thread updated as I learn stuff. Thanks.
My 73-year old mother had a fairly massive stroke a year and a half ago. The doctors told us to find a nursing facility to put her in because she probably wouldn’t come home. She’s the one who fought back to the point where you can hardly tell she had a stroke. She spent two weeks in the hospital, one week in in-hospital rehab. She then went to out-patient rehab three times a week for at least six months. The therapists said that hardly any patients put effort into the PT and OT, and that then they don’t have very good results. Mother not only did everything they gave her there, she got homework plus we invented other stuff for her to work on.
You need to be encouraging, let him know that there is recovery possible. But you can’t motivate him - he has to motivate himself. He has to want to live. I would hope his bond with your mother would give him the incentive to want to recover.