Help me help someone in constant pain and frustrated (long, sorry)

In My Humble Opinion
1

I know a lot of Dopers here have had experience with chronic pain and will hopefully be able to give me some advice. I’m not looking for medical advice. I’m trying to figure out the best way to give support.

My husband finally broke down this week and told me that he’s been in near-constant pain for most of the year. I knew that he was hurting, and he would tell me, but only when I asked (not much of a talker, that one). Something is going on that makes his skin burn/hurt all over, and his scalp will break out sometimes. We’ve been trying all sorts of things like water filters on the shower, moisturizers, dye-free detergents, etc. and nothing has helped. His hip also causes him a lot of pain, again with no obvious cause.

He went to a dermatologist earlier this year, and she basically gave him some special shampoo and sent him home. He’s also seen a family doctor about the hip, who sent him to a local chiropractor with no relief. So he has seen doctors about both problems.

The trouble is that he sees this as proof that there is no help out there for him and feels that this is no way to live a life. I know that he needs to be more persistent. He needs to call the doctor back and let them know that their first answer did nothing. And then try again. And if that doesn’t work, find another doctor, etc. He says that the doctors don’t spend any time with him and just brush him off. He’s gotten so tired and frustrated he just doesn’t have it in him to keep trying.

Part of me wants to yell at him and tell him that if he can’t take responsibility for his own healthcare, I can’t help him. But, on the other hand, I know what it’s like to be in pain for weeks/months at a time. It really makes the world much darker. But on the other-other hand, I kept going back until I got some help so, dammit, he should be able to also.

Here are a few other factors to take into account. The town we live in only has maybe 3 general practitioners, so getting an appointment with any of them takes about 2-4 weeks. And they’re super-busy on top of it. The nearest real city is 90 minutes away, so shopping around up there for a friendlier doctor isn’t very practical. He does have medical insurance, but we need to stay within our group.

So, with all that background, what should I do to help? Do I tell him to stop bitching and take control of his health? Or do I become his advocate and fight for him when he says there’s no point? Those of you who’ve been in constant pain and had trouble finding the solution, how did you keep positive and keep trying? He doesn’t believe me when I say that it’ll get better and it won’t always be like this. What do I do now?

2

Could you make a doctor’s appointment for him? And go with him? And do most of the talking? This is pretty much how my mom takes care of my dad’s healthcare. Not ideal but better than nothing.

3

Driving 90 minutes may not be very practical, but neither is living with pain, and if he has no tolerance for repeated visits, you need to find a good doctor without a lot of trial and error. See if you can find a doctor who is a pain specialist. This site might be helpful both for information and finding a specialist.

http://www.painfoundation.org/

4

I know whereof I speak.

A GP and a dermatologist? No. He needs to see a specialist. Make the appointment for him. Go with him. Ask for the first appointment of the day so the doctor won’t be “behind.” There’s something going on here and you need to get to the bottom of it.

This may not be solved in one visit. You may have to visit different specialists. Be persistent, patient, and proactive. Do not let the doctors brush you off. I had one doctor try to dismiss one of Ivylad’s symptoms until I told him, “No, that’s never happened before.” He perked up and began checking a couple more things.

Do research online, but don’t take it as the final diagnosis. Your husband is dejected and feeling hopeless. It’s up to you to take the reins and go from here.

As far as bitching at him, not yet. If he gets a diagnosis and fails to follow the regimen or take his medication properly, then you can bitch. But not until (if) then.

5

Also, try to get him to see an orthopedic doctor instead of a chiropractor.

6

I just came back to the boards now after being too messed up to function. Being ill over a long period wears you down, and at times you feel like you can’t take it anymore. You’ll need to be insistant with him and the doctors, when he’s in this type of mood. Try out this board. I probably won’t be checking on this post again, so I hope you find the link of help.

http://brain.hastypastry.net/forums/

7

If your husband has been in pain so long he is most justifiably ground down and will probably not have the capacity to fight his own corner. I think you should do it for him, and be his advocate.

My husband is very shy around doctors, and needs me around to be assertive, sometimes to ridiculous points (made more ridiculous that at work he is a leader and gives orders on a more or less serious scale all day!!)

Case in point - he did a three day hike along rocks and beaches, and arrived home with grossly swollen ankles from the number of times he had turned them on rocks and things. He was worried about stress fractures but wouldn’t bother the doctor until I shovelled him into the car and took him to the out of hours care centre. Dr took one look at the ankle DH showed him and winced on his behalf. IT TOOK ME TO TELL THE DOCTOR THAT THE OTHER ONE WAS AS BAD!!!

Even in the office my twit of a husband was going to sit there passively and not say that both ankles were damaged, because "It’s not as bad as the other one, and we’re bothering the doctor in the evening. " Yeah, like two x-rays take so much longer than one…

So yes, please, take over for your husband for a bit - you won’t cure his pain yourself but I think that his mental anguish might be assuaged by knowing that you take him seriously and don’t think he’s malingering or just has to put up with it.

8

Hokkaido Brit

“made more ridiculous that at work he is a leader and gives orders on a more or less serious scale all day”

Not so unusual for men used to a strict chain of command. From my experience in the military, men who commanded hundreds into hazardous duty would have no qualms obediently taking orders from a superior even if they felt they could be wrong.

A doctor is an authority figure. The prhase “doctors orders” comes to mind. In the military they can supercede a field commanders order.

9

Thank you everyone for your replies. It’s really helped me get some perspective on this whole thing.

I know that I should follow my instincts, but right now I’m 6 months pregnant, so my instincts go between curling up with him and crying, or telling him that I’ve already got one baby sucking my will to live and that he doesn’t love me because I’m so fat and ugly. I figured that neither one was really the best thing. :smiley:

I knew I could count on you guys. I’ve already arranged it so that I can take a day off work and go up with him for his dermatologist appointment. I’m also looking into the links and there are a couple general/family practitioners that could be worth trying. Thank you so much!

10

You’re right. Neither one is especially helpful. :slight_smile:

You need to get the father of your baby healthy so he can help you once the little one arrives. Be strong for him now, and he will be strong for you. Please keep us informed.

11

My husband has to make all my doctor’s appointments for me. I won’t, I can’t , do myself, because I have trouble admitting I am in need of help. Something in me equates medical need with moral weakness. Yes, we know this is fucked up. Sometimes he has to actually drive me to the doctor, and sometimes he’s come into the waiting room with me, and even into the doctor’s office with me.

What makes this stranger, is that I am one of the toughest women you’ll ever meet. I am VP of this, that, and the other. I earn the family income while my husband raised our children. I make speeches to hundreds of people, sell to executives, blah, blah, blah.

But I can’t pick up the phone and make an appointment to see a doctor. My husband has to do it for me, and he knows it.

This was an exception when I was pregnant with our three children, because it was not about me, it was about my babies.

The gist of this for you is that you might have to take some of the same command and control that I have had to have my husband do for me. Often he just has to make the appointment for me, and tell me when it is.

12

It could be a state of denial. I can do all this with one hand while knitting an angora sweater with the other…I can’t be sick!

I’m gladd you have such a supportive hubby.

13

Also, Osteopathic doctors can work wonders with some hips that Orthopedic M.D.'s will look at and not even consider. Worth a shot.

14

Two suggestions in addition to the good advice already given:

  1. Sit hubbie down and explain that at 6 mo.s pregnant you can not do every thing yourself and this will only get worse. The child you are carrying is going to need a pain-free father. He needs to take control of his health FOR YOU AND HIS CHILD’S SAKE. He’s not doing this for himself. His baby needs him to be healthy, and for that he must take a more active role in his care. When he does nothing he is not only in pain himself, he is hurting others he loves.

  2. Write down as much of the history as you can before seeing the doctor. When did the problem start? Did it start all over or in one spot and then spread? Was it as bad as it is right now right away, or hasn’t it gotten better or worse? Good days and bad days or constant? What have you tried so far? As anything worked at all? Does pain-killer alter anything? Does he have a fever? (If you don’t know, take his temperature twice a day for a week).

In short, write down ANYTHING you can think of about his past health, general health, and specific problem.

Then, when you go to the doctor’s office you can hand this to the doctor or nurse and they will not need to take the time to extract this information from him verbally.

Good luck.

15

Long Time reminded me of something else: what about detergents? What soap does Hubby use in the shower? What detergent do you use in the laundry? I have known rare cases of people becoming severely allergic after years of use. Might be helpful at that Dr.'s visit. :slight_smile:

16

Along with all the excellent advice given here:

  • have him try taking Benadryl, an antihistamine - first at night, and then during the day. If it’s an allergic reaction, the Benadryl will help.

  • oatmeal helps with weepy itchy skin. Run him a comfortable bath and pour a cup or two of oatmeal in.

  • have a look at the pain relievers he’s been using. If he’s been constantly taking OTC meds, he may be getting rebound pain. A pain specialist doc can help with that.

Good luck. I hope he’s feeling better soon.

17

I don’t mean to be a scaremonger, but please do seek medical help. My father was diagnosed with lupus a few years ago, and that’s what popped into my head when you said his symptoms.

I’m not saying he has lupus! But it’s just an example of a serious illness that can masquerade as a rash or aches and pains.

Please please please drag him to a doctor.

18

I have to second the Write down everything you’ve tried and all medications and their effect. method. NOthing wipes your memory out more than sitting in a doctor’s office.

Even keeping a food log can and will help. Is he eating a fast food diet or a half crap half good stuff kinda thing? Is he under alot of stress at work and worried about the pregnancy/baby/future kinda stuff? If there were any time to eat healthy and green and organic, this would be it. For both of you.
and please don’t look in my pantry and freezer…just do as I say! :smiley:
Secondly, I am wondering either he is having an allergic reaction to something ( meds or possibly something old in his diet that his body cannot handle anymore. ) or possibly having an outbreak of shingles of some sort.

90 minutes is not at all unreasonable to drive to to see a specialist that can be the beginning to get to the heart of the matter.

Being 6 months pregnant you have these thingies floating through your system that are making you vunerable. They are called hormones. Nasty little buggers.Makes the strongest of women into big piles of goo and the weakest of our sisters into even more quivering piles of goo. If we could take these hormones and inject them into all the evil people of the planet (Saddam) it would be vastly entertaining. Cruel, but fun!
Since your husband has reached a level of ‘why fight it’ or ‘why bother…I guess I’ll have to live with it’ mentality, it is your turn to be strong. ( Yeah, your pregnancy was suppose to be about YOU YOU YOU and him coddling and caring for you…but…well…sorry…maybe next time.)

Find a specialist, make the appointment and drive him there yourself.

And let us know…I need closure on this…

19

I wanted to thank everyone again for all the helpful posts. We’ve gotten an appointment with a dermatologist for tomorrow (woo-hoo) and we’re getting a notebook together of all the info we can think of. I’ve also gotten him an appointment with a family doctor here in town. We’ll have to get a referral through him if we want to go see a specialist for the hip. And thanks for the info about osteopathic vs. orthopedic. I wouldn’t have even thought of looking for the difference.

He seems a lot more positive about the whole thing now that I’ve been stepping in. He doesn’t seem to think the doctor’s are going to do much for him, but his attitude towards me has changed a bit. He thinks the doctors are going to fail us, not just him. Not a big improvement, but an improvement. It’s an odd Christmas present, but I’ll take it. :slight_smile:

I’ll post again after we find out more tomorrow. Thanks everyone!

20

Good luck!