We all love these, so I’m hoping to get a few useful insights.
I live in a flat with my friend Carol, who is currently sick with an unknown stomach bug that’s making her life hell. I’m also in a long-distance relationship with Eva, who is visiting for a week, arriving tomorrow. Carol messaged me while I was at work today, asking if Eva could stay with friends rather than with us, to avoid the risk of her getting sick. However, when I got back home and we discussed it, it became clear that it’s much more to do with her not wanting someone else around when she’s sick, rather than concern for the health of third parties. I quote: “I’m not trying to be difficult, but I’d much rather not have anyone else around when I’m sick.”
I feel this is a ridiculously selfish request, but I bit my tongue and only said that I would discuss with Eva whether she was more comfortable staying away to avoid getting the bug. I’m actually quite annoyed by this situation, because a) this is a trip that’s been planned for some time, and b) it’s very awkward and inconvenient to ask Eva to stay with friends, especially at such short notice. We can cancel the trip, of course, but that would cost us money in non-refundable flights, as well as not being able to see each other for about six weeks.
I’m well aware that Carol wasn’t planning to be sick, but these things happen. In the reversed situation where I was sick, I wouldn’t dream of even making this request. I’d just explain that I was sick and would probably stay out of the way most of the time. Eva is studying for an exam, so will probably spend some time in the house, but we’ll also be going out, and I’ll be working more or less as usual.
So what say ye? Am I right to be annoyed at this request? Is it even vaguely reasonable? To me, it’s both the request itself as well as the timing of it that’s irritating me. The whole “I don’t want to be difficult” thing was actually really galling, because how could she think this is *not *being difficult?
I’d say the only way that would make this OK would be if she offered to pay for you and Eva to stay in a hotel or something along those lines. Eva isn’t coming to visit other friends, she’s coming to visit you, and it’s not fair for your housemate to ask her to not stay with you given that the vacation was planned long before Carol got sick.
I’ve been to someone’s house right after everyone there had been “just over” a stomach bug (no active puking) and me and 5 other people immediately came down with the same thing that very night. It was aaaaawful.
If I were Eva, I’d want to stay away from that mess especially if I have non-refundable flight tickets for going home.
Also, having had a “coming out both ends” stomach bug, I would not want to have to fight for bathroom space if that’s an issue. Last time I got sick when I had a roommate I sent him a text right away to please, please, please use the bathroom at work before coming home cuz I didn’t know when I would need it again and quickly.
If you have 2 bathrooms then that’s not an issue. But if you just have one bathroom, I am on Carol’s side. And if she is contagious, I am on her side for Eva’s sake.
If she’s just feeling a bit icky and you have 2 bathrooms (or she doesn’t need emergency access to the one you have) then yeah she’s being difficult. But otherwise…you might have some pity on her and go elsewhere.
I would give Eva a warning that Carol is sick. But if there are two bathrooms, it really shouldn’t be an issue. Was Carole ok with 6 weeks visit before she got sick?
Unfortunately, that isn’t an option. This is London, in summer, and even if we could find a hotel at such short notice, it would be ridiculously unaffordable.
Unfortunately, only one bathroom. I’ve spoken to Eva, and she pointed out that I’m feeling fine, so it’s obviously not super-contagious, and we’ll take precautions like having a good stock of hand sanitiser around the place, and keeping a separate set of cutlery and cups for Carol to use.
I think part of my irritation also stems from the fact that during the last week while Carol’s been sick, I’ve been making sure she has everything she needs so she only had to leave the house to go to the doctor. I kind of feel that buys me a few brownie points, and I feel cheated of them.
Whoops, sorry, missed this one. Eva isn’t here for 6 weeks - she’s here for a week (actually only 5 days), and that was all fine before the sickness hit. Eva has been warned, and she considered pulling out but decided the risk was manageable.
I think it depends on how sick Carol is and how small the flat is. If you each have plenty of space and Carol is in recovery, that’s not really fair of her to ask. But if Carol is actively vomiting and unable to shower and the flat is small enough that she can’t get much privacy, I think it’s fair to consider her request. Having people up in your face when you are miserable sucks.
It is, unfortunately, a small-ish flat. If we had separate bathrooms, I think it would have been a lot easier, of course, but sadly, we are constrained by reality. Carol is better today than she was over the weekend, but still not terribly well.
Anyway, the compromise we’ve come to is that I spoke to Eva about giving Carol some space (without revealing the can-she-stay-elsewhere request), and we agreed to stay out of the house as much as possible. I’m going to see if Eva can do her studying at my office, rather than in the house, which means she’ll be gone most of the day. We’ll also try to spend evenings out rather than in - weather permitting, of course, so we should be out of Carol’s hair to the maximum extent possible.
Of course, if Eva does fall sick we’ll know it’s a voodoo curse and there’s nothing to be done about it.
I think that sick Carol has as much right to not want to share her flat with visitors as you have the right to want visitors, particularly if she was cool about everything when she was healthy.
You say you wouldn’t dream of doing the same thing if you were sick, but is that really true? Wouldn’t you rather be in a place where you could lounge around in a robe all day, make all the sick noises you wanted while on your many trips to the bathroom and not have to worry about sharing your flat for 5 days with a stranger?
Really? Even if it meant said stranger is out to lose what could potentially be a whole heck of a lot of time & cash if I insist she cancel the vacation?
I mean, it’s one thing if it someone driving in for the weekend and it could be easily scheduled for a weekend or two later, after I returned to health. But that doesn’t sound like it’s the case. If I were putting someone out what could be several hundred bucks for a plane ticket and potential work issues if she had to schedule her vacation time and all that, I’d have to be on death’s door to ask that they reschedule AND I’d reimburse them for any expenses (like the plane ticket).
I’m not saying I wouldn’t *prefer *the situation where I could be alone, but I wouldn’t dream of asking. To me, there’s a big difference there. Also, they aren’t strangers; Eva has stayed here lots of times in the last couple of years, and Carol was also invited over to her place for Christmas last year. They’re not what I’d describe as good friends, but very far from strangers.
Pretty much as **Athena **described, actually. We’d lose out on about £300 in total, though the issue of work doesn’t really apply because Eva is in between exams, as I said. However, we wouldn’t be able to get this much time off together for at least another few months.
Well… yeah, of course, but I think that would be totally unreasonable the other way! I wouldn’t want her to do that; then I’d feel like the one being a dick. Also, the problem of hotel availability and expense still remains. Neither she nor I could afford to cover 5 days in a hotel without really, really good reason. Like our flat catching fire, or becoming the new home of Cthulu - something on at least that scale.
If Carol’s been sick for a week with a GI infection, she should be on the upswing at this point. Very few common GI illnesses last that long. If she’s not getting better, she’s needs to go back to the doctor. To prevent further transmission within the house, clean all shared spaces with a dilute bleach solution (10%) to kill any microbes that may be lingering. Be sure to clean the high touch surfaces like light switches and remote controls too. Hand sanitizer is better than nothing, but you’re really better off washing your hands frequently with soap and water. Finally, don’t let Carol cook or prepare food for you and Eva. With those precautions, in addition to hanging out outside the house, you and Eva should be fine.
While I understand Carol’s desire to not have company right now, I don’t think it was fair of her to ask you to ask Eva to change her plans. She has a great excuse to stay holed up in her room and passing on any group activities. This type of concession is one of the drawbacks to having a roommate.
Carol is currently subsisting on a diet that consists mostly of apple sauce, pretzels, rehydrating salts and juice. She’s not really going to be doing much cooking for anyone, least of all us. But I appreciate the concern!
No, we aren’t being blasé about this. It’s really pretty important that Eva doesn’t fall sick if at all possible, so I’m going to get some disinfectant and clean the kitchen and bathroom very thoroughly this evening before she arrives.
Thanks all, the input is appreciated. My temporary irritation has been mostly smoothed over, so I think this will all be forgotten in a few days.
