Help me. [questions re: bipolar disorder]

In My Humble Opinion
41

If you truly have pain in your feet and lower back which prevented you from working ten hours a week, I doubt you could do anything about it even if somebody got you mad, you’d probably just end up getting your ass kicked, so best thing is to keep those fantasies in your head and do nothing to them.

I doubt there are too many people that can honestly say they haven’t been mad enough at somebody at some time in their life that they at least didn’t’ have those thoughts running in their head too. People, often at that age can also be a bit cruel and disrespectful, even your friends, but it does get better. Eventually, all start to mature, or most do, anyway. The others that didn’t, you can probably learn to avoid.

Anyway, carrying out those fantasies of yours is another matter, and best to keep it a fantasy. Give just about anything enough time, even if it just another minute, an hour, or a day, and you’ll find yourself coming back to your senses and realizing often the best thing in tense situations is often to do nothing, even if it means swallowing a little bit of pride and walking away. More positive things to fantasize about.

Since you’ve told us this much, tell us some more if you like. I suppose your dad is not in your life since you haven’t mentioned him, so what’s your relationship like with your mother? Any siblings?

And what are others doing that is causing you to get mad? Were they your co-workers, personal friends, family members, or was it all of them in general?

I have had a motley crew of friends throughout my life, and guess I never fantasized about killing any of them (well, maybe for a split second), but did think about wanting to whip their asses, and some I did just that too, and also have had my ass kicked, but nothing else came of it.

42

I’m far from a drill sergeant, but don’t have a wet nurse spiel to coddle him with either. I can actually relate to 18 being a bit of a difficult time for me as well. It did cross my mind that a drill sergeant might do some quite a bit of good though. I know of many who did come from broken homes and/or bad neighborhoods, and enlisting in the armed forces turned many of their lives around. Not saying it is for everyone though.

I believe the vast majority of us are all going to have serious rough spots in our lives that are going to come our way, at some time or another, and if one is looking for a label they want to define themselves with, that field certainly has plenty it can hand out. I’m currently taking care of my dad full-time now that lives with me every other month, who is in the latter stages of Alzheimer’s, so I am dealing with someone who has lost much of their mental faculties.

And if that isn’t personal enough for you, to hear a mental professional tell it, when I was 18, I was labeled a manic-depressive. I remember well, a folder, with my name and “manic depressive” right beside it. So I must have a mental illness, after all, they are doctored professionals, and what does an 18 year old kid know, right? I was puzzled at how doctors had somehow came to this conclusion with this diagnosis for me actually before I had seen the doctors themselves, but through a questionnaire the nurse had me fill out, that couldn’t have had more than ten questions on it, with multiple choice answers it had me circle. Immediately they started meds on me which they also determined I was probably going to have to be on the rest of my life, along with them too, after all, you need them to refill the prescriptions.

The medicine actually caused me nightmares and other problems, and I just knew it wasn’t helping my situation. I was going through a tough state, no doubt; I certainly wasn’t as functional as I could have been at that time in my life. But Jesus Harold Christ, I think they were laying things on a bit thick, even as a 18 year old, I wasn’t so far gone that I couldn’t still reason some things out, and circling lack of sleep, loss of appetite, mood swings, and what others I forget, but gosh, that certainly started a chain of events of which I wasn’t prepared for.

The end of my last school year was coming up, wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life, and trying to find a positive direction to go in wasn’t so easy with me at that age. I had the mood swings, not really depressed though, but more manic, some manic states keeping me up for 4-5 days and nights straight with no sleep. Even resorted to reading the bible, thinking that might comfort me, but only made things worse and me more withdrawn. I pretty much almost stopped eating altogether which I really couldn’t afford to lose any more weight since I was already skinny as it was. I had a strong dislike for school, at least my school at that time. It was a time when classrooms were out of control, most teachers couldn’t control the students, drugs were openly being used in the classroom, and also a couple of years into racial integration, there was plenty of tension going on and fights breaking out on a frequent basis. I grew up in a rough older neighborhood where there really wasn’t many friends my age, and those that were, were already into some serious crime even during their teenage years, so instead of me spending that much time with them, I became more withdrawn and an introvert.

I was a walking skeleton, and am embarrassed even today to say how low I let my weight get on this 5’10” frame. I knew I had to start eating again as simple as that seems now and for everyone else; I literally had to make myself eat. That in turn eventually started giving my body and mind back the nourishment it so desperately needed. I was able to start getting my sleep back on tract too along with my mental state being much more relaxed. I was determined to not ever let me get myself in that situation again and nearly forty years later never have.

I quit their medication after about a month or two, never sought out any more of their help. I’m 56 now. Had a few more minor bumps along life’s road, we all do, but probably no more or less than anyone else. I’m stronger and happier now the last twenty years than I’ve ever been, although I was pretty content before that time too though, despite part of age 18 being a bit of a rough year for me. I have great relationships with family and some friends (always have), and my business is quite strong and has been for some sixteen years or so. Even if it was to go belly up, I know I can survive and will make it.

If a mental health professional has truly benefited you or another in some way, you will get no grief from me. But still pardon me, If I’m a bit skeptical of the mental health community, and how correct they are in their diagnosis having experienced it first hand on what they tried to do to me, and other ones I know as well who have similar stories about how they were told too that their condition was going to need medicine the rest of their life, of which they seem to magically determine fairly damn quick. I’m leery of much of the process, and the labels that many of them put on people to help define them especially our young people who are already at an impressionable age. I realize there are truly some that are in dire need of mental help, and help can maybe come in the way of therapy and/or medicines, and that mental professionals can do some good, especially if you don’t have a supportive family cast of loved ones and friends that are capable of helping you. Getting a correct diagnosis is a good starting place, and I hope others don’t let the labels stigmatize and define who you are.

43

@razncain, your post is too long to read through, but the last bit about diagnoses is accurate. There are organic injuries and problems e.g. physical damage to the brain, and there are nutrient deficiencies and there are psychological issues.

  1. Organic damage, brain damage, can only be managed. Medication is not appropriate, except for seizures and things like that.
  2. Nutrient deficiencies should be managed properly. Most things categorized as mental illness fall in this category. For example many mentally ill people, particularly bipolar, react to unnatural fluctuations in hormones that are released by certain frequencies of light. The solution is to avoid unnatural light sources, particularly when the sun is down. In that case natural light is a sort of nutrient and artificial light creates a deficiency of sorts. Same with many chemicals such as food additives. They disrupt natural nutitional systems in the body in effect causing deficiencies. Medication is never appropriate but is often used in this category because it quickly hides the disease.
  3. Psychological issues are not appropriately treated with drugs but it is how our society does it.

In other words exotic psychotropics are never appropriate, except to manage crises. The pharma industry is one of the highest dollar sectors of the economy though, so don’t expect your doctor to discourage meds anytime soon. Natural medicine, such as natural light, mineral salts like lithium and so on can treat most problems classed as mental illness.

Also regarding the comment above by the original poster about wanting to kill, that comes from society. If you are American then you live in a place where the solution to every problem, according to authorities, is to bomb, invade kill etc. If you don’t go along with that mentality you will be quickly preyed upon.

Either look for a healthier society or learn to enjoy the sickness of the people who try to make the rules in society.

44

Or, the OP has a legitimate medical issue and needs treatment, perhaps including meds. I’m not pushing meds either but if he’s in a state where he can’t function, even a temporary course may help him so he can pursue treatment or more clearly see how to get himself help.

Things like post partum depression can make someone imagine very violent things – it’s the depression talking, not “society”!

45

Thank you! Everyone has a different experience, mental illness isn’t a one size fits all problem, and great if light therapy and nutritional adjustment helps but to completely discount pharmaceutical treatment is shortsighted

46

Don’t make these types of replies, they’re really unhelpful and are pretty much just threadshitting.

47

razncain, would you really have responded positively at age eighteen to this approach? Looking back on your past now, you may think that someone telling you to essentially pull your head out of your ass and get on with your life would have been great advice, but when someone feels isolated and frightened, unable to even trust their own mind, I don’t see how it could be helpful to have a stranger take you to task like this.

48

There are some red flags that come up with me about his story that do annoy me a bit. As to how I would react, I’d expect a mixed reaction on a BB full of strangers, and I’m quite sure if one was a bit skeptical of parts of my story, and was maybe a bit harsher than the others and taking more of a tougher love approach, I’m quite sure it would take more than that to traumatize me, even if I thought the person was wrong, I’d still figure their heart was in the right place and was still trying to help.

49

Have been in a mixed-depressive state for the last week, it switched from mixed to depression then back etc. I am not suicidal but I do think that if I die today that I would be ok with it. and then My dark passenger comes out and instead of my own death he seeks the death of others for his own sick pleasure. He likes to come out of his cage when I am really really mad at someone or emotionally hurt by someone like bullying etc… He has nasty nasty thoughts about killing the person I am mad at/hurt by… he thinks very disturbing things and I always have to force him back into his cage. I don’t know if my dark passenger wants full control over me but I do know he would draw blood. I guess I should get used to the dark, let my eyes adjust to it and adapt to its new darker world. For those of you who like music the best way to describe my relationship with my dark passenger would be the song Monster by Skillet.

50

Have you self medicated ?
if so with what?
were you given a dual diagnoses?
do you smoke? if cigarettes how many packs? if not cigarettes then what?
any hallucinations or delusions when off meds?

51

Theo, if you truly are seeking our advice and want our help, it would possibly help us if you could tell us a bit more about yourself. Thus far, you keep ignoring most questions that would maybe provide us with some clues as to what we could help you with.

E.g., you keep talking about people that make you mad and you wanting to hurt them. I’ve asked you before, and would appreciate you answering if you could tell us what those people are doing that are making you so mad you want to kill them? Assuming they are doing anything. You did sort of hint to bullying. If so, I think it’s normal to be pissed off at bullies too, and I’ve certainly had thoughts of wanting to kill a few myself. Barring them physically attacking you and feeling like your life is in danger, you just don’t want to carry out such things. Assuming I’m understanding you, is there one in particular that is bullying you? Where is this taking place? School, work, home, elsewhere?

I’ve asked before, thought I’d try again, is your dad not in the picture? Any siblings? Right now, is there no one in your life that you’re really close to?

I’m glad that you’re not suicidal. I can also remember at age 18, certain days thinking that if I died today, I would be ok with it. I too, wasn’t suicidal, but just thinking I just wasn’t getting that much out of life at the time. Looking back now, though, I think, gosh, had something have happened to me, what would this have done to my parents, my siblings, possibly a few others, it would have been devastating. As I would imagine it would have for you too, if another loved one was to pass that you cared for.

You mention your “dark passenger.” I was a big fan of the series, Dexter, and know he used this phrase often. So I take it you’re familiar with that show?

Liked the music clip you linked to.