I haven’t exactly let myself go, but I do eat more than I should and exercise not at all. The biggest contributor of all is years of habit. Up until I hit about 30 years old, I could eat everything in sight and not gain weight. Part of that was youthful metabolism, part genetics, and part a higher level of activity just because of the things I did as a part of everyday life. That is, I didn’t exercise per se, but I had to walk a lot more to get where I was going, lift things at work, etc.
As a result, my weight is starting to creep upward. I know exactly what I should do, but changing those long-ingrained habits isn’t easy.
More and more, I have come to think that people who put a lot of effort into grooming are seen as good-looking, even when the raw material they started with wasn’t that great. Remember Jane Eyre. She knew she wasn’t a raving beauty, but she always kept herself clean and neat, and before you know it she’d landed herself a rich beau!
With a bastard, a bad temper, and a homicidal wife, but still! Quite a prize for combing her hair.
Oh, I would definitely agree with that. Didn’t you know at least one person in your high school who objectively wasn’t very goodlooking, but was popular anyway? Because they took care of themselves, were outgoing, and acted like they looked good.
Half the stars in Hollywood aren’t any better-looking than I am, but they have personal trainers and chefs and makeup artists, and they spend a lot of effort on their looks.
My best friend is easily 100 lbs overweight (PCOS, etc.), but has always gotten more guys than I ever did. She looks good when she puts the effort in. (Since I have spent many nights at her house, talking till 3am, I’ve seen her look bad too.)
I’ve been up and down the weight ladder all my life. I was a chubby kid but got into track and cross-country in high school, so I became skinny. Then in college I went up and down again, and the same afterwards. I come from a family of large people and I know I have developed some bad eating habits.
Thankfully, this year I’ve managed to lose 75 pounds (from 290 to 215) by basic exercise and calorie counting/eating less fatty food and more vegetables. I want to lose at least another 25 pounds and if I can stick it out I’ll manage it.
The real problem, of course, is going to be keeping it off. I can focus on weight loss (as a friend once said, I actually found a good use for my OCD) but the everyday work of staying thin…I don’t know. I plan to keep it off this time, so we’ll see.
It isn’t like you wake up one day and are suddenly 30 pounds heavier than you were the night before. It happens slowly, and at each step it doesn’t look like you’ve stepped down that far from where you were. “Tomorrow” is also a powerful thought: “I’ll eat this today and exercise it off tomorrow.” “I’ll skip the workout today and hit the gym extra hard tomorrow.”
It is the same with how you look. Where you once had time to get ready properly and shop for just the right clothes (or afford them), instead you are now spending time getting the kids ready or shopping for THEIR clothes or spending time watching them at the park instead of yourself being out playing something intensive. It just doesn’t take a lot of calories to push a kid in a swing. All the little things add up.
If you managed to raise 4 kids without draining your energy, time and money, more power to you. Some just aren’t that lucky. I think for most people, letting themselves go is a matter of choosing to focus on other things. They’d probably like to have the time to look nice and exercise more, but for whatever reason they just don’t have the resources (energy, time or money).
In my case, I honestly don’t give a rip about how I’m dressed when I’m not in a social situation. I really don’t care that I’m wearing jeans with a hole in the knee when I’m just out and about. I don’t care that my comfy sweatshirt has frayed cuffs around the sleeves. At work, or going out with my wife, I’ll dress appropriately. Otherwise, it really doesn’t matter.
I do, however, exercise like a madman to keep in shape. I do think being healthy is well worth the time and effort. But I have the luxury of having the resources to let me do that in a way that works for me and lets me be successful at it.
That’s very kind, but it makes me a little uncomfortable.
I would hope that people would notice that, in just about 5 years on this board, I’ve never told this story before. I don’t want anyone to think that I would trot it out for pity. If so, there have certainly been opportunities to do so before now.
My purpose for going into such detail was to make it clear to the OP that to judge someone without knowing what they’re going through, privately, is, well, wrong. Certainly, it’s not helpful. I only wanted to suggest that there could be a great deal going on behind the mask that you can’t possibly know about.
People who indulge in self-destructive behavior are often more deserving of your support than your condemnation.
I think depression is probably the number one reason. Laziness is probably coming a distant second.
I’ll admit that when I walk my dog at 5:30 in the morning, I don’t look like a movie star, but at least my sweats are clean and I’ve combed my hair.
Perhaps this is because I’m the shallowest person alive. Perhaps it’s because I’m convinced that I’m going to bump into Hugh Jackman walking his dog just around the corner. Most likely it’s because when I get up in the morning, I brush my hair, put on something clean and walk my dog.
I think grooming is a habit that people get into, and not grooming is a habit that people get into. If you’re not in the habit of “pointless” grooming, then it seems like a useless thing to do.
Regarding making yourself attractive for your spouse. I don’t think that women have to walk around in kitten heels and full make up while vaccuming, and I don’t think that men need to be beefcake buff and wear muscle shirts while lifting heaving objects.
However, I do think it’s nice if the person I’m with takes the time to shower and brush their teeth every day. Casual is one thing, smelly and plaquey is another.
And from a behavioural standpoint, brushing your teeth, combing your hair and putting on tidy clothing is actually one of the methods used to treat depression (in conjunction with talk therapy, drugs, electroshock, etc, etc). It’s a goal set out for the depressed person by their therapist - basically, if you get up and behave in a more normal way, perhaps you will feel a bit more normal. (ie, a bit less depressed).
Yep that’s me. Almost a year later, and I’m still wearing maternity clothes because those are my “good” clothes. And they aren’t that great! Everything else is from my pre-pregnancy housepainter days. Right now I’m wearing a raggedy old tee shirt and maternity blue jeans. Just got back from grocery shopping in this get-up too.
If I could afford clothes I’d use the money to buy the kids’ clothes. Makeup is a waste of money I don’t miss; I inherit tennies from my daughter when they’re too cruddy for her to wear. I don’t think I’ve had new shoes in six years. I cut my own hair and I probably don’t do that great a job and I’m sure I’m past due for a few dental visits.
Honestly I think part of it is that Miguel adores me in anything I wear. I guess he might enjoy me getting all fixed up, but he’s never seen me that way and he’s fine with it as far as I know. A few weeks ago I was really looking shabby in braids, dirty from scrubbing floors, wearing an old pair of shorts and tank top. It drove him wild because he said it was what I was wearing the first day we met.
As for the weight thing, I am in denial most of the time, but I know when I start walking too much my feet hurt and it’s starting to be a strain to stand for long periods so I should probably do something about it. I just feel… frozen. Stuck in a rut I guess.
It appears I’m in the same boat with a lot of people… depression.
Mine started my junior year of college about the time Bonfire collapsed (I knew one of the students that was killed and was telling him how dangerous I thought stack was maybe 6 hrs before it collapsed…)… All my friends (including my husband - then boyfriend) had either dropped out, failed out or graduated. I had just changed majors, began having troubles paying for tuition and started feeling as though I really didn’t belong anywhere (the square peg in a round hole sensation)… I got depressed and stopped swimming.
Well, not swimming was a huge deal, since I continued eating at though I were still swimming regularly.
Plus, when you’re paying 3/4 of your income to service student loans its hard to buy nice clothes. Luckily its not a requirement where I work, but since my husband and I tend to share shirts to cut down on costs… I always look frumpy (doesn’t help that I’m extremely self conscience and think looking frumpy is better than looking fat).
So now, I try to exercise and eat healthy, but sugar is my vice. It helps me feel better when I’m stressed and since I have poor social skills it helps me introduce myself to people (ie, would you like a sweetart?)… unfortunately, this only works in very select situations…
I have to agree with you here. Book by its cover and all that jazz.
But hey, if that’s what gets you through the day, have fun looking down your nose at people. Just don’t let them see you do it…that’s just mean.
I guess you can peg me as one of “those women” from time to time. I work from home. You can see me walking to my mailbox in mis-matched sweats, wool socks and sandals. I may even pop into 7-11 for milk in such an outfit…But I also manage to dress well, do my hair and look good…and oddly, people aren’t so nice to me when I look my best. That always makes me chuckle. I get better service when I look like crap.
It may sound shallow, but I honestly feel better when I look good. Even on the days when I stay at home with my son, I get dressed and put on a little makeup. I don’t like staying in my pajamas, I really have a hard time getting anything done, even housework, until I feel like I am ‘ready.’ Maybe because the only time I stay in pajamas is on sick days, but when I am not dressed and haven’t thrown myself together I just am completely unproductive.
It’s not that my husband would stop loving me if I didn’t get dressed or take care of myself, but it really is nice when people make an effort. He works as a Diemaker so he comes home in old clothes, but he always takes a shower and usually changes into at least nice jeans and a shirt after work. Since he feels grubby all day at work he likes to wear nice things when he can. It doesn’t bother me to see him in his work clothes, but if he suddenly stopped taking care of himself at all or never wearing anything else I would worry about his own mental status. I know he feels better when he knows he looks good, too, and that comes across as confidence, which is attractive. I really do believe there is a connection between mental health and physical health and appearance.
This is exactly what I wanted to say, but didn’t want to seem like I was pitting anyone. Perhaps UrbanChicdoesn’t mean for it to come out sounding judgemental and shallow, but imho it does.
And some of us just don’t. For me, dressing up just makes me feel less comfortable than I would in something more casual. I do shower before going out, though, and I don’t wear clothes with holes or stains that show.
Well, I don’t mean I dress up every day, just that I do the normal ‘getting ready’ things before I start a day - brush hair and teeth, shower, a little makeup, etc. I wear jeans and a pullover shirt or sweater most days so it’s not like I am in perfect outfits or anything, but I think the OP was referring to people that just roll out of bed and go.
And that is fine. Really. I hope you don’t feel picked on for feeling good about yourself.
Oh and WOOKINPANUB, the reason I posted in the first place is that the people who have “let themselves go” are usually quite down on themselves and are easy scapegoats for people who spend a lot of time assembling their armor / shell of designer clothes, hair color and spendy shoes so no one picks on them. Actually, this thread reminds me of high school…and even though we had good girl Catholic uniforms, the girls without the right purse, handbag, Tiffany lapel pin, perfume, makeup were shunned. Oh wait, didn’t they make a movie about that…was that Heathers or Mean Girls?!?
PS: I was the head cheerleader and the homecoming queen so the “you’re just bitter defense” doesn’t work.
