My new girlfirend, Chews_Pencils, and I were lamenting the fact that we’re in two different cities a solid day’s drive apart. Yes, we know that eventually this will drive us crazy or one of us will have to change our circumstances. But in the meantime…
We have to carefully schedule our time together, which is a bit of a drag. Fitting me in between tour dates and such.
Saturday, she’ll be performing in Philly (just as far away from me as her hometown), and I’m considering making the day-long drive to turn up for her show.
Here’s the IMHO part:
Is it better to surprise her in a grand-sweeping-romatinc-gesture fashion, or since I’m going to be driving all the way out there, would it be better to actually schedule go to her place the evening before (arriving around 2a.m.) to snag the extra, teensy-weensy, little bit of quality time (which, alas, wouldn’t amount to much)?
If you had the opportunity to see the person you missed, would you prefer the surprise of having your schnookums turn up at your show, or a sligtly more planned visit that includes a few extra (but not necessarily substantial quality) hours?
Surprises have a way of going disastrously wrong. You could show up and find that she is unable to spend any time with you, or your unexpected arrival could interfere with plans she’s made. Why take the chance?
This is true, however, Im extremely familiar with her schedule and post-show plans as well. I she can’t spend time with me it’s alright in any case, because I think it would mean a lot ot her if I was just able to be there for her show.
I have other business I can take care of in Philly while I’m there, so if she has no time for me I have other stuff that I should do anyway.
When I worked in suburban DC, a young woman I knew and was interested in played in an orchestra up in Baltimore, so I went up to listen to her concert. From years of performing in a a variety of choirs and choruses, I am very familiar with the typical backstage layout, so I had no problem finding where the orchestra assembled before and after the concert.
When they came off stage, there I was, a considerable (and apparently pleasant) surprise for her. We went out for a post-concert drink, and had a nice enough time, but nothing ever came of it.
However, given the distances involved in your case, I’d let her know that there was at least a possibility that I was coming.
This is actually what I was most inclined to do. Sort of “so, what time is your soundcheck… Need a ride?” so it’s nothing being done in total stupidity.
But then I started wondering about the whole “romantic value” of just appearing considering she’s really been missing me.
I’m still inclined to go the more prudent route though…
If you’re confident that the risk of something going wrong is slight, then I say go for it.
The payoff is well worth the risk. Women love nothing more than romantic suprises, and the fact that you’re willing to take that risk… and confident enough to take that risk… will not be lost on her.
Be sure you have flowers in your hand when she sees you.
Now that said, if there is a chance you have a competitor, and he will be there at the same time, then you have another decision entirely to make…
Be sure you have a sock fulla quarters in your pocket when he sees you.
Does she have a friend or relative you can contact? They could make sure she kept her schedule free for the time you’d be there, without telling her why.
My then-boyfriend (now husband) did that back when we were dating, but he did call my parents and get their okay first. He had a hotel rented for himself, because he didn’t want to impose on them. It was really sweet and very romantic.
If you think she’d like it, go for it, but the potential for something going wrong could be quite high. I agree with bughunter about the flowers.
Go for the surprise! It’ll make her feel special and it’s a lot more memorable than a spontaneous visit you told her about in advance. And definitely bring flowers.
Checking with friends or relatives would work… if she was in her own town and not doing a touring gig. Hence my dilemma – since she doen’t really know anyone there, it would have been a welcome surprise to have a friendly face show up (that’s not part of the regular fan base) or a band member.
Her plan was to take public transportation, do a solo gig and come home. So it would’ve been perfectly fine to show up and offer her a ride home.
Alas, I choked and told her! :smack: I would’ve been just perfect though – she does a lot of these gigs so usually doesn’t have plans because she doesn’t necessarly know anyone in the town where she’s performing.
However, she’s doing a tour that spans a several weeks in several towns where she knows no one, so I’ll likely still have a second chance to make do the great, big, weepy-movie, romantic gesture of twue wuv later this summer! Preferably when she is road weary and needs a happy boost.
And that last sentence wasn’t supposed to come out sounding dirty.
But thanks for the input – it helped me weigh my options far better than sitting and stewing over it or flipping a coin and totally boggling a well-intention fuzzy wuzzy gesture.
Ask her now if she likes surprises, hypothetically. Some people like them, some don’t. I like to know what’s coming, and I don’t react well to suprises, even pleasant ones, because I am readjusting my schedule in my head and I feel this weird pressure to show I am happy RIGHT NOW because the supriser is counting on it and will be disappointed but at the same time I’m not sure if I am really happy yet or not, just cause it takes me an awkwardly long 5 minutes to readjust to the situation.
I also tend to feel like veing suprised can FEEL manipulative (even if that is not intended) becuase it’s like you have to be happy and delighted becasue the supriser has gone out of their way, even if ehat you are really feeling is bitchy and cranky and like being alone.
Finally, suprises cheat me of the anticipation time, which is most pleasant. I feel robbed.
My point here is that there are good reasons some people do not like suprises, and early in a relationship I would straight up ask, as well as straight up declare your own preferences.
Yes, we know that eventually this will drive us crazy or one of us will have to change our circumstances. But in the meantime…
