Help me write a crude birthday poem for a friend of mine

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My friend is turning 24 next Tuesday and I want a clever poem to write in the card. I am sadly the antithesis of clever. Can you guys get me started?

Here’s info about him that might aid you in your writing:
-He has curly hair
-He has an old avocado green Honda motorcycle
-He recently got a job with the Chicago Tribune after a few months of unemployment
-His previous job involved watering flowers and sitting around
-He occasionally wears black tube socks with shorts
-He occasionally wears blue plaid shorts to play basketball in
-He’s Polish
-He hates the Cubs, loves the Sox

The only really good line I have so far is:
Jacking off, drinking beer
You can always get a job next year

Obviously I need help. Whaddaya say? I want something crude and funny. Thanks in advance for your help!

2

Killing time, reading porn,
I wonder why all your socks are worn…
:eek:

3

Getting you drunk, thats our plan,
Tomorrow you’ll wake up with a naked man.

4

This day comes but once a year
you’ll have some laughs and birthday beers
your mom and dad are overjoyed
since you are no longer unemployed
so on this day you can’t be sad
socks of black and shorts of plaid
just put your cares inside a box
and forget about those miserable Sox
we’ll laugh and smile and cuss and smoke
and tell your favorite pollock jokes
it will be my greatest hope
you enjoy this poem from the Straight Dope

5

Good job Mr. Niceguy.

::claps::

6

This may be too crude, but you asked for it.

The curly hair upon your head
Is like the hair around a cock
And when you jack off while in bed
You’re prob’ly thinking 'bout the Sox
We’re glad you’re turning twenty-four
And writing for the local rag
So buy some clothes to help you score
Plaid shorts don’t help a swinger shag
When worn with the same long, black socks
You use while reading kiddie porn
That bike you ride around the block
Is looking pretty sad and worn
With all the cash from your new job
You should buy us all a round of beer
Stop dressing like a god-damned slob
Stop riding stuff made by John Deere
Please buy us lots of chronic grass
Go buy a Gremlin or a Ford
Before they fire your sorry ass
For going to work drunk as a lord
We’re glad you have two dozen years
And we are with you on this day
I’d rather have two dozen beers
But Happy Birthday anyway.

7

He did say crude didn’t he ? Damn.

and thank you InvidiousCourgette .

8

<Applause>

I like them so far. Perhaps that’s a little crude, Dr_Paprika, but it has its own charm just the same.

I’m really loving Mr. Nice Guy’s. (P.S. I’m a she.)

9

I wouldn’t have been so crude if I’d known you were female. I don’t know how well you speak Guy. :slight_smile:

10

Found your picture in here AwSnappity , yep, definitely a she. Sorry about that. The photo of you with your date, is that your friend with the birthday by any chance ?

11

Nope, different fellow.