You set boundaries but didn’t hold to them. Have the same conversation again. Emphasize that if he shows up at your door, she will be let in, but he won’t. He can go get coffee while she visits. Get your husband to back you up on this, too.
+1
When I read the OPs response, it was a WTF moment. Her husband is not on the same page? He needs to be or she has a Lot bigger problems than 4-hour-away asshole parents.
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Dickhead heard the details of your conversation with your Mom & drove 4 hours one way, wife-in-tow, to bulldoze over your wishes… And You Let Him?
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You Told him he was not welcome,* and he entered your house anyway*?
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Your response to someone entering your home against your wishes is to hide in your room? Do you owe them money? Do they hold the mortgage on your house?
Does he own the company where either you or your husband works? I’m at a loss here. Have the two of them over the years beaten you into such a “Hedda Nussbaum”
submissive state that you’ve lost the use of your spine? Maybe I’m reading too much into it because I’ve met a few “Step Dads” who were dominating and abusive of their
inherited step-kids… and all the mother had to say was “yes, dear.” :mad:
In the OP, you are stating that she is the dominant one and that She brought Him. I’m going to play Devil’s Advocate for a second.
Is it possible that you have some of this backwards? Could She be the one bad-mouthing you… with him just agreeing, enabling, and repeating as a parrot?
What if it turns out that while, yes, he is an asshole, when you aren’t around they BOTH are and that he’s just not as good an actor hiding it as she is when you ARE around?
If that was the case, would that not change your response to them driving up, unannounced, and demanding entrance to your home and access to your family against your wishes?
Document everything. Copy & paste from Facebook into a Word document, transcribe all the things he has said that were mean and hurtful, and save it. Cut off contact. If they ask “why”, send it to them.
Wow you are so dead on. Yes I do think my mom has more to say than shes letting on. However I did hear his comments first hand due to her calling me once and not hanging up when I didn’t answer. There was a 3 min VM of him ranting on and on abt how horrible I am and telling my mom that if she buys anything for my son as far as school related supplies not to tell me because I dont deserve to know…I still dont get that one…Anyway as far as my husband is concerned I was pretty upset w him after the visit because I felt he didn’t stand up for me. His excuse was he was trying to keep the peace and didn’t want any drama in front of our daughter. In the end I left it alone basically feeling like I couldn’t expect him to stand up for me when I couldn’t stand up for myself. Yet another side of me feels like this should be a mans duty. Idk. My husband is really dismissive abt the whole situation whenever I try to talk to him he just says you know your family is crazy and thats it. Umm what else. No I dont owe them any money and no he has never beat me. Mom didnt start dating him until I was 16…sorry if this is all over the place but its hard to see the entire screen on my phone
- Save that 3 minute voicemail rant. If you have to, play it and then record it with another device that allows for you to save it and send it via internet.
Save copies of it LOTS of places (so many that he can’t possibly find/get to/ delete them all. Its proof that he has severe anger and control issues should it ever come up.
Look, I really need to qualify here. That guy I knew who married a widow, took away her free will and all of her access to all of her money (put it all into accounts under his name alone and flipped all the titles/deeds to his name
alone “for insurance purposes”), and then started the “Tough Love” crap with her teenaged kids, telling them they get none of her or their father’s money for college and that they had to pull themselves up by their bootstraps?
He really existed/exists. He’s not the only one of that make/model either and your post makes me think your Mom ended up with one similar.
That said, No, I’m not impartial.
*That said… * you need to put your house in order. Have the locks/alarms discussion with your husband for personal security due to crime in your area. Stress that since he acted the way he did, you know now that you can’t
depend on him to protect you or your daughter or your house when the chips are down and when you are at risk.
Your post stresses that you have an early-American traditional mindset about marital roles, but he’s not filling those shoes. For your sake and for your daughter’s sake, it falls to you to step up.
Tell him that if they show up unannounced again, his job is to take your daughter upstairs. Stress that, rehearse that, practice that… commit it to reflex. Your job is to make sure, no matter what gets said on the other side
of the door that you do not open it. (If he didn’t have anger issues, I’d say have the 3 of you lock up the house, say you have plans, pile into your car, and go see a G-rated movie and a restaurant with your cellphones off.
He does have anger issues however, and if only because of that… Do Not Open That Door.)
Tell them they are not welcome, reiterate that this is your property and that you have asked them to leave, and then stop responding to them.
If he or she tries to talk their way in, just say no. If it gets too hard to hear what they are saying at you, go upstairs to your husband and your daughter but keep a phone in your hand. If he starts to get angry or violent or tries
to break things or force the door, dial 911 and stay on the line until the cops arrive on scene. If it becomes he-said-she-said, show that you live there (driver’s license), play the threatening/angry VM from your phone,
tell them that you think he has a record and that you want him off of your property. (Bullies with anger issues by his age almost Always have a record.)
If they can take him for some outstanding item? Win-win. If they can’t, you are the homeowner, he doesn’t live anywhere near there, he has no business there, and the cops will politely tell him he’s trespassing and to get back
into his car and leave. If he tries to start something with a cop, they will set him straight.
After they are gone and after the cops leave, THEN pile into your car and go to a movie and a restaurant with your phones off. Save any angry nasty VMs they leave on your phones the same way that you did the others.