My Step Dad Thinks I'm a Nigger?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My Mother is white and my real Dad is black, they got divorced and my Mother met my Step-Dad, a caucasian.

It has been difficult because my siblings don’t get along with him. As time went on I began to make an effort to keep peace with him and it has had somewhat of a positive effect, we now actually have moments when we get along very well which is a huge improvement from when he first came into the picture. I was STARTing to be like “maybe he isn’t so bad” and he even told me once that he loves all of us just as much as his kids.

Anyway I need to know if I am making to big a deal out of this situation when my Step-Dad had his friends over;

My brother (he has dreads) walks into the house and after he passes this is what was said…

Friend #1: What the hell? is that one of your boys?

Step-Dad: That is one of my step kids.

Friend #2: I haven’t seen a hairdo like that since I was in jamaica.

Friend #1: That’s that black coming through It can’t be hidden. Tell me this, how did you marry a white woman and end up with Nigger kids?

At this point I am thinking my Step-Dad is going to tell this guy off but instead…

Step-Dad: You tell me how it happened I thought I was marrying a white woman.

Friend #1: Did you check the pussy?

START: Did you check your mother’s pussy?

Friend #1: (Looks at me) I am saying stupid things and I’m sorry. Can you tell I am drunk? I am not a racist I was taught to respect all people, I don’t see black and white people I just see people. I’m not one of those KKK faggot motherf-ckers…

START: You like all people but your calling me a nigger?

Friend #1: I would be black if I could…I had a black girlfriend back in High School…

START: This guy is retarded

Step-Dad: Don’t be disrespectful, START.

START: Are you serious? He is disrespecting your wife and calling me names and your not even doing anything.

Step-Dad: I will take care of it but I don’t want to argue with you…I will take care of it ok…I don’t need you making it worse.

and I think at that point I got up and left but later he told me that he didn’t remember much because he was a “more than a little buzzed”.
To make matters worse he found out soon after that incident that his aunt who raised him has cancer again.
So my question is; Is this a big enough deal to bring up again or should I accept his answer?
Also with his aunt being sick would I be a jerk for bringing this up?

This happened Thursday night and since then I haven’t really seen my Step-Dad because he has been going to help with his aunt and I may not see him until Monday or possibly later so with all the days passing should I just try to forget this even happened. It will be hard to forget especially since he told me that he “hates racism of any kind” but I am not one to hold onto a grudge but this still has me upset more than I can describe.

2

Are you still living under the same roof as him? If so, then drop it. Not out of any “his house, his rules” bullshit, but just to make things easier for yourself until you’re old enough/making enough money to get your own place. Making a big deal out of this is just going to make everything else that happens in the household that much harder, and he’s in a better position to heap shit on you, than you are to heap shit on him.

When you’re out on your own, or if you’re there already, then fuck him. He let’s a guy talk like that about his wife and stepkids, and doesn’t say anything? He’s a fucking coward, at best.

3

What **Miller **said.

I’ll give the guy the benefit of the doubt and assume he just hates conflict but to allow his friend, who he should be able to talk with candidly, to talk like that about his wife and her kids is ridiculous. Bringing it up again will just make matters worse and I would just forget about it for the time being.

When you move out, confront him about it then, assuming it still bothers you.

4

I think that you should tell your mother, and let her handle it. It wouldn’t make sense to hold onto something until you move out, because of the fact that your half black siblings will still be in the house.

5

So you’re getting shit for being black and being white the same week?

Jesus, you ought to print out both threads and show them to all offenders!

6

That’s SHAKES, Eve, not START.

7

That thread was started by SHAKES, Eve. This one was started by START.

8

I swear** Aesiron’s** post wasn’t there when I hit reply. Sorry. :smack:

9

Oh, shoot! Sorry, both fellahs . . . I’m old, and all those capital letters make my mind foggy . . .

Still, both of you print out each other’s threads and show them to the offenders and, umm, maybe confuse them to death?

10

It’s the beer talking. It’s not an excuse, but a pretty obvious explanation all the same. As others pointed out above, holding someone you have to share the same space with to something they said while shitfaced drunk is unlikely to make your life any easier, nor make the other person less likely to offend in the future.

Also, as bad as your stepdad’s behavior might have seemed, I know from experience that calling a drunk’s bullshit is about as ameliorative as waving a red cape in front of an aggravated bull. Maybe your stepdad just needs to get drunk with his buddies somewhere else, so you don’t have to put up with their idiocy then they’re soused. You might suggest that to him, in a nonconfrontational way.

11

People do stupid shit when they’re drunk… but the beer isn’t talking. The beer may be letting someone say something their internal governor would normally censor, but the guy saying it is still responsible. No matter how drunk I am, I will never call someone a nigger. It’s a flat-out offensive term, and someone who has claimed to “hate racism of any kind” shouldn’t tolerate it in his house, let alone used to describe his children.

Bottom line is that you’re right to be upset. Friends #1 and #2 are racist asses, and your stepdad is enabling them. He’s not worth your attention or respect if he won’t stand up for his wife and his kids. If he loves you “like his own kids” then he’d have thrown the racists out of the house, beer or no beer. Even if he just respected you without loving you like his own kid, he’d at least have shut the racists down.

I don’t know how old you are, or how your relationship with him is, or what your relationship with your mom is like… but maybe you can try sitting down with him to talk about it. If you’re going to try to rebuild the trust that he shattered with this, you’ll need to.

And I think your mom needs to know about it. Not as an attack on him, although it will be hard to keep from seeming like that, but because she needs to know that her husband is not acting to protect her children. She deserves to know that.

BTW, anyone else find this dichotomy fascinating?

12

I would tell your step-dad, in as tactful a manner as you possibly can, that you are going to avoid his friend from now on. He can bring him over since it’s his house, but you need him to understand why you have beef with him.

If your step-dad really cares for you, he’ll understand and not get defensive or huffy about it. And maybe he actually will talk to his friend.

As far as your step-dad goes, I would forgive him. If need be, keep some distance between the two of you until you cool off. But forgive him. It might have been one of those times when alcohol made him and his friend stupid. But if it happens again–and I mean even in a teeny weeny way–you should confront him, even considering the sick aunt. Your feelings and the honor of your family are important too.

13

Oops. I wasn’t aware that there were multiple friends. Just turn “him” into “them”.

14

START, I agree with some of the posters here. I think you should tell your mother. If you don’t want to do that, approach your stepfather very cautiously and tell him politely how you feel about Friend #1 and #2 and what they said. While this type of thing has never personally happened to me, I understand where you’re coming from. I have a half-Chinese, half-black friend. My mother is racist against black people, so I was kind of worried about what my mother would say when she came over. I still remember the conversation:

Mom: Oooh, so you’re Dare_Devil007_'s friend? What nationality are you, (friend’s name)?

Friend: My mom’s Chinese and my dad’s black. (Then she goes off to watch TV. My mom pulls me aside.)

Mom: (Everything my mom and I say from this point is in Korean.) Why are you associating with her?

Me: (Shocked.) What are you talking about?

Mom: She’s black! Black people are dangerous. How do you know her dad doesn’t do drugs or has a gun?

Me: Mom! Do you think I’m stupid or something? I’m old enough to figure out who to hang out with and who not to hang out with. Just because she’s half-black does not make her dangerous.

And then, I stormed off and was mad at her for a little bit. In the end, I told my mom how I felt about what she had said and whenever my friend comes over, my mom keeps her mouth shut. So, tell your stepfather how you feel. You’re the child of his wife and he is supposed to respect you. If he doesn’t, then you should tell your mother. And if that doesn’t work, just ignore your stepfather and get out of the house every time his “friends” come over.

15

Yikes, that is a terrible story and I’m still sort of horrified after reading it. I’m about equally horrified by the racial comments as by the fact that some men were talking about your mother’s business in front of you (or, in front of anyone, for that matter). The first is sort of an indignant horror at the pig-headedness of people, and the second is the plain out EWWWW horror.

I agree that you should mention this to your mother, and I would suggest that you mention it to your mother and stepfather together, at the same time, if you feel comfortable doing that. The key is to keep it very calm and rational. The reason I’m recommending that you do it together is so that it doesn’t seem that you ran to your mom to “tell on” your stepfather. And who knows what he might have already said to your mother about your “bad behavior”? Talking to them together might help avoid a “he said/he said” situation. I don’t know if that’s an issue for your family dynamic, but you might think on it.

Personally, I would not mention to your mother the portion of the conversation about her business, that’s just oogy and … okay, I don’t really have another reason other than that’s the sort of thing I would never repeat to my mother’s face even on pain of death. YMMV.

The one hitch I see here, as you reported the conversation, is that the guy apologized straight off, before you said anything else. I realize that perhaps you felt the apology was insincere, just a pro forma CYA apology, but there’s still something to be said for accepting an apology at face value. I don’t even mean in a social compact kind of way, but I think it’s a good strategic point as well. After someone is in the position of having apologized, it’s easier to shut him down with a well-crafted acceptance of the apology.

That might be one way to frame the conversation with your stepfather (and possibly mother) – that while you appreciate that an apology was immediately offered, the original remark was both offensive and upsetting to you and as such, your response was not intended to show disrespect to your stepfather, but rather was an expression of your hurt and anger. This would also be when to point out that you plan to avoid said friend in the future, to spare yourself the experience of listening to any other hurtful and inappropriate remarks.

I think it is thoughtful and considerate of you that you are taking into account the situation with his aunt. Maybe you might wait on your conversation, and say something like “Usually I would want to clear the air right away after an upsetting conversation, but in this case I didn’t want to add to the stress of everything going on with Aunt Mary …” because confrontation is stressful, whether you are the right or the wrong party. This might also give you (both) the distance from the incident that will help you speak about it calmly.

16

I agree with this.

I don’t know the situation with your step-dad, so perhaps I’m giving him more credit. But be mindful of the fact that he fell in love with your mother, married her, and took all of you into his family. He knew going in who your mom’s first husband was, and who your dad was. And he was obviously okay with it.

Doesn’t mean he can’t have some wrong ideas, but it sounds like his friend was the one that initiated all the crap, and he (your step-dad) was too drunk to really coherently fight against it, or was too stupid-drunk to think clearly. Or, there could be more. As monstro says, don’t ignore it if it happens again.

Now, obviously I don’t know your step-dad, but you say that you’ve been getting along with him better, and that he’s told you that he loves your siblings and you—well, I would focus on that too. I doubt he’s a flaming bigot who secretly thinks you and your siblings are “niggers.” I mean, I don’t know the man, but it makes more sense to me that, while he may have some unresolved “issues” (I don’t know), he’s probably not too far gone. My best wishes go out to you and your family.

17

This guy sounds like a total f*ckwad. And I’ll group your step father as the same. Sorry.

The KKK definitely are some stupid ass motherf*ckers. I’m lost on the faggot part though.

I’m all about your mama jokes between friends, but if some idiot out of know where said that about my mother, it would have been ON. :mad:

18

Ya know, I don’t buy the whole “He was drunk, forgive him” line.

If he were drunk and hit you, you wouldn’t forgive him later, right?

He was -way- out of line. I absolutely feel that you should tell your mom about the exchange and insist that if he is going to get drunk with racists and be hurtful to both you and your mom, that she should suggest he do it elsewhere.

Your home is one place where you deserve to feel safe, accepted, loved and respected.

I think your step-father is a real piece of work (not the word I wanted, but this isn’t the pit) for allowing his friends to steal the feeling of love, acceptance, safety and respect from you.

His friends are just jerks who can’t hold their alcohol and who will hopefully say the wrong thing to someone alot bigger and meaner than you in a bar setting someday. wishful thinking

When your stepdad chose to marry your mom, he accepted her children as his children and you deserve the same amount of respect from this man as you should expect from your biological father. Women with children are absolutely a package deal, man.

And to be honest, I don’t believe he deserves any slack for his aunts condition. He allowed you to endure racial slurs and talked smack about your mother RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.

That’s a shitty thing to do and I hope you know that. fume

19

A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.

Any “man” who would allow his friends to say such things without physically throwing them out of the house and never speaking to them again is no man at all.

20

Good advice. (Great Dopername too, BTW!) I’d venture to say the bigotry would vary depending on where you are in Maryland. It’s quite a diverse state (in the sense that one county can be quite different from the next). I lived in Prince George’s County (think Bowie), which is pretty close to DC. I grew up in an upper-middle-class mostly black suburb and I got beat up (by the other kids in school) all the time for being white. I like to think it’s made me a more tolerant person because I can think back and remember how it feels to be on the receiving end of racial intolerance.

My parents have told me that I shouldn’t date women of other races because my professors might look down on me and give me worse grades because of it. :rolleyes:

I think African-American and Hispanic women are beautiful. I wish I could get one–unfortunately, a lot of people here seem to divide into racial cliques, so black women and some Hispanic women seem not to feel comfortable talking to me. Oh well.

As far as the ‘disclaimer’ debate goes, I can see someone saying “I’m not prejudiced, but…” if they’re talking to a stranger. (Although why they would be talking about such sensitive issues with a stranger is beyond me.) To speak like that to your family, though, just doesn’t make sense. They should be around you enough to know you are or aren’t a racist based on your everyday words and actions.

Great answer! I’ll have to remember that one.

I’d vote for the latter, not knowing you. Racism is alive and well. I myself have been a victim of it. I saw it when I was caught (by the police) smoking pot, too: the first thing the officers did upon arriving at the scene was to handcuff the two black people who were with me and pat them down for weapons. Do you think everyone is joking when they say that they’ve been victims of racism, or that they get pulled over all the time for being black? Do you really think they’re kidding?

How true!

That might be a little too far. Of course he should’ve thrown said friends out of the house, but never speaking to them again? Isn’t a man at all? Woah there. There’s obviously a difference in opinion. This is America, and even bigots have a right to their own opinion. Yes, it’s wrong to say things like that in front of the people he was insulting. But they’re friends of the stepdad for some reason or another, and to insist that the stepdad is “not a man at all” because he doesn’t instantly drop them is going down a dangerous path. Not too long ago you could’ve refused to socialize with someone because they associated with minorities and all the white people around you would’ve been going “Amen”. Let’s not stoop to that level, please.