My Step Dad Thinks I'm a Nigger?

In My Humble Opinion
21

You’re actually justifying this based on the Constitutional right to freedom of speech?? I don’t recall suggesting the government arrest these people.

Well, sure, they have a right to say what they will, and anyone else has the right to demand they leave their home and never come back. No, I won’t back off this. A man’s first and foremost responsibility is his children - step- or not. Anyone who insults and abuses my children is unwelcome in my home. I am absolutely, 100% serious about this. If my best friend said something like that about my kid, I’ll tell him to get the fuck out and that if I ever saw him on my property again I’d call the police. I love my best friend, but that’s just way beyond what I’m willing to accept. But then, my best friend would never say such a disgusting thing no matter how many beers I poured into him.

What START’s stepfather’s behaviour suggests to me is that in part he AGREES with his friends, at least a little.

I don’t understand; refusing to associate with people who make racist comments about your CHILDREN is the same as being a racist? No, sorry, doesn’t compute. Judging a group of people based on thier skin colour is stupid and evil. Judging an individual based on their BEHAVIOUR is just common sense.

22

That’s just crazy. Yeah, I know, in vino veritas, but there’s plenty of fatuitas blended in that the average drunk rather regrets once sobered-up. And all of us, for better or worse, have thoughts we’d prefer were kept in check by our built-in censors*. As alcohol grabs those censors by the lapels, bitch-slaps them, and tosses them in the alley 'til morning, I think it’s unwise to hold a person to the essence of what they say or do while inebriated, as if somehow that behavior was representative of their “true selves”.

*Consider Tourettes, where people sometimes cannot help blurting out the most inappropriate things, despite intense embarassment.

23

I posted in an OP a few weeks ago that a parent’s primary loyalty should be to his/her children and not to a current spouse. I got a stepfather when I was 16 and he was and always has been good to me. However, if he had ever done anything nearly equivalent to what you went through then I would have expected my mother to come done so hard and so fast that he would still be lucky to have the use of both legs and I know she would have done it.

I believe the OP should be very, very direct with his mother. The dickhead insulted her too after all and the stepfather should be reamed from here to Sunday by her and the offender should never be allowed in the OP’s presence or in the home ever again.

That is the way it would have worked in my house but circumstances may vary. I say go to the mother and present it as an extreme insult to both of them which it is and obviously to the biological father. The stepfather needs an extreme reprimand and, in turn, needs to banish his buddy.

24

I’m in total agreement with RickJay.
You just don’t say certain things at my house and expect to hang around.
Or be invited back-ever.
And to discuss Start’s mother’s “pussy” in front of him just leaves me speechless.

Tourettes is a medical condition.
Drunken racist hate speech is not.

25

Augh, START. I am so sorry. That exchange was painful to read. I can’t imagine how it was for you. Extremely understandable that you are very upset. It’s good that you are writing about it, I think. If I were you, I would: write a letter to your stepdad, that you don’t intend to send, about how all this made you feel. Expressing it to the universe so that it doesn’t fester as much sometimes helps. Of course, you could actually give him the letter (or a softer version of it) too, but before doing that I would let it sit for a day or two and re-read it before doing so. Since you live in the same house with him and are still trying to have a relationship with him, for your own benefit you may want to say some things and leave other things unsaid.

A worry that I have in connection with the “tell your mom immediately” advice is that if you do tell her, and you don’t get the response from her that either you expect or that other posters might indicate is the “right” response, or whatever, then you may be disappointed that your mom “failed” in protecting/defending you too. I have no idea what she’ll do, but without knowing her emotional state or the dynamics of their relationship, I don’t know if she feels powerful enough to tell him off as soundly as he deserves to be told off.

Has anything like this happened before? The situation, for you guys, and for her, is obviously greater than that event. She is married to a man who said what you posted, above, and who did not tell off his friends for saying what they said, above, and she has biracial kids. That is…troubling.

Being a parent and having someone hurt your kids is terrible. I have noticed that when a parent faces a situation where the person who hurt the kids is supposed to be the parent’s partner in life, sometimes the parent engages in some denial. This is not a justification of denial, just a possible explanation for it.

I guess my main points are: 1) their behavior was despicable and horrible, and if one of them wasn’t your stepded who you have to be around, I’d say worse things; and 2) try not to have definite expectations about what your mom’s reaction will be or what her reaction “means,” about you and how much she loves you (a lot, I would wager). Wish I could hug you.

26

Most older people (parents, grandparents, etc) are a little racist. They may not realize it, it may not come out in their everyday interactions, but it’s usually there. It’s just a result of the times when they grew up. Anyone who was a child in the fifty’s or early sixty’s (or ealier) is bound to have a little bit of racism in them. Back then the “N-word” was not such an evil thing to say. It was still offensive, just no one (no one white, at least) made such a big deal over it. The beer would let this come out. It’s not an exuse, it’s just they way it is.
Anyway, be proud of your heritige. It’s the differences that make us unique.

Oops! That cliche must have snuck in there while I wasnt looking.

27

[QUOTE=ParentalAdvisory]
The KKK definitely are some stupid ass motherf*ckers. I’m lost on the faggot part though.QUOTE]

I’m not lost. It sounds like START may have his own prejudices to deal with.

Back to the main point, a white, elected, district attorney in NC went to a bar a few years ago, got tipsy, and referred to a sports figure by using the “n” word. He got summarily canned. Justice can prevail.

28

tesseract has given you good, sound advice.

If you write the letter, be sure to date it in case you decide to share it with him later. That way he will know that your recollection of what actually happened was fresh.

If you do choose to share it, choose the time carefully.

This is really between you and your step-father. I’m glad that you stood up for yourself and you were right to stop when you step-father said he would take care of it. Your letter might inquire if he ever did actually say or do anything about it.

This is your home too. Everyone has a right to be treated with respect in his or her own home. That includes you and your mother. Let you step-father know that you look to him to see that neither you nor your mother are disrespected in that way again.

A few years back I told someone who had been a friend for forty years that I didn’t want her using the word nigger around me anymore. I should have told her a long time before that. It made her angry and she stopped calling me. We live within a few blocks of each other and didn’t see each other for three years.

I dropped in on her one day and exchanged a few pleasantries. I started to tell her that we had shared too much history to let this come between us. I go no further than the word history before she was holding out her arms for a hug. She’s never used that most hated word again around me either. She may have changed her attitude a little too. That does happen sometimes.

If I had felt that she had been really rabid in her dislike or active in her bigotry, I wouldn’t have chosen to continue the friendship. I still have the right to choose my friends based on their values.

29

[QUOTE=Ignatz]

Are you sure? Well obviously, everyone has their own prejudices, but I thought that the friend made the faggot comment. START shouldn’t have to tell anyone that he’s not one of those “KKK faggot motherf-ckers”, seeing as he’s black and all…

Or am I the only person that’s reading that this way?

30

That’s the way I saw it, too.

31

I apologize, START. I really misread it.

32

Wow.

I’m in full agreement with malkavia. And I agree with others who said you should have a conversation with both your mother and your step-parent together. The whole thing’s pretty messed up. I’m sorry you had to listen to that.

33

My step-dad came home on Tuesday and told my mom that “I might be mad at him” and so my mom asked me “what happened this time?” and I told her about what “friend #1” said and she was upset because she thought his friends wouldn’t say any racist comments. My step-dad kept saying that he told the guy off but I said it wasn’t true and that all he did was sit there and make jokes.
My step-dad then asked “Have I ever called any of you kids a bad name?” and I said “No, but you let your friends”. My step-dad then told my mom and I that he did tell his friend off later that night and told him not to disrespect his kids.
That all took place Tuesday morning before I went to school and that same night he bought me a CD and said he bought it because it was his way of saying “sorry”.
I still don’t think he said anything to his friend but I’m like “whatever” because if he didn’t say anything he will just keep saying that he did. I was not going to open the CD but my brother found it, opened it and was happy that my step-dad bought it so maybe they will begin getting along and as long as lil’ bro doesn’t know what happened on Thursday then it’s possible.