I am an adult female with a complete ahole for a stepfather. He has disliked me from day one but apparently hid it very well, that is until my husband and I divorced. Since the divorce he has missed no opportunity to tell me or other family members including my teen son how horrible I am. Even so far as to call me whore and other horrible names. Recently he even went on Facebook and posted about me being a horrible mother. The only thing I’ve done “wrong” as a mother was let my son live with his father after the split. My son is in college now and I have since remarried and have a young daughter. Now my mother and her husband are upset with me because I don’t want my daughter to spend extended time at their house. I feel they are two toxic individuals and I don’t want my child around the negativity. They say I am the one being selfish…what say you???
Stick to your guns. I agree, your stepfather is toxic. Your daughter is so removed from this that she should in no way be exposed to pre-birth relations.
Since the OP is looking for advice, let’s move this to IMHO.
Colibri
General Questions Moderator
It seems to be selfish, or even narcissistic, people who most often accuse others of being selfish—“selfish” meaning “you won’t give me what I want.”
Toxic parents. Cut-off all contact.
And don’t look back. They will not change.
I would not even accept their calls.
How is your mom and your relationship with her? Is it just the step father who is the problem, or is it both of them?
Would you be willing to share exactly what he wrote on Facebook (I’m assuming it was written on your Facebook wall)?
I’m a step father so I want to side with the step father in this case, but can’t. I’m sure there are two sides to this story, as with every story, but at the end of the day he doesn’t get to call you names and he doesn’t get to dictate how you rear your children.
Sounds like an old guy who has discovered the internet and is letting his hate flag fly proudly. Politely decline to interact with them until they learn some manners.
Since you just joined I don’t even know you in a completely superficial internet way. For all I know he is 100% correct in his opinion of you. However, airing family dirty laundry in public is never a good idea. There is no need to broadcast negative opinions on Facebook or other social media. But it looks like that is becoming the norm.
It is definitely never a bad idea to diagnose and recommend treatment of a complex social dynamic based on one paragraph detailing, vaguely, one side of the conflict posted anonymously on the internet.
Party pooper.
Beyond that, I would unfriend him on Facebook.
Common or not, it’s still tacky as fuck.
I think people don’t really understand the direction that social media is going in. At work I deal with juveniles. I have to do some investigations that involve looking into their social media accounts. The idea of what constitutes personal privacy is going to make a big shift once those that grew up in a Facebook/Instagram world come of age. 90% of their personal information is wide open to the public. They post every aspect of their lives. They friend any stranger that asks not just those they have met. What you find tacky is just becoming life in the real world. I am surprised anytime I come across someone with their accounts set to private. This isn’t too far from the truth.
Has anyone compiled any stats (shirt-cuff are fine) on the number of posts like this that are not found to be some form of trllng? Not even proven genuine, just not proven bogus?
They disturb me because for every nine that are some sick bastard getting his jollies posting “help me help me” stories, at least one is probably some degree of genuine and both deserving and needing of a compassionate, thoughtful response.
All I can say is that I hope the fakers someday find themselves trapped under a burning car, with no one to hear their calls for help.
I was in college when Facebook started, so I am not wholly unfamiliar with Kids These Days. To me, the stuff you describe just says that (1) kids are stupid, which is hardly a new phenomenon; and (2), most adults are not tech-savvy.
When the kids who friend everyone and post everything figure out they should probably not be broadcasting everything they’ll start setting their accounts to private. And I highly doubt they’ll be calling out their stepdaughters’ parenting.
…and change your phone settings to send all their calls to voicemail. At their very best, you need to keep them at “Hallmark” distance (with a stamp and a postmark, no hand-deliveries) if not farther.
Limit text contact to two sentences maximum; example:
“Happy Birthday! Kayakette says hi.”
Any text you get back that is more than two sentences* you need to delete unread.
*Wall-o-Text run-ons earn the automatic delete.
Say…they don’t have a key to your place, do they?
shudder
I totally support you, but don’t make this a war. Sit down with your mom and her husband and say:
“Step-father, you have said things in the past which have deeply hurt me. You may not like me, but I don’t want those feelings to poison my daughter against me. As long as you are expressing those negative feelings about me, I’m not comfortable having my daughter around you.”
He doesn’t have to like you, but he should keep those feelings to himself.
Thank you Filmore. I have in fact tried in the past to sit down and have that very discussion with the both of them however it turned into me being accused of withholding love from my daughter by not allowing her grandparents to see her. I reminded my mother immediately that I was in no way saying she couldn’t spend time w her grandchild just that her husband was not welcome.I told my mom that no matter our differences she is always welcomed in my home however, she would have to leave him home as he is not welcome. Her response was to drive with him 4hrs to my house two days later like I had never said a word. I in turn was so angry I stayed in my room the entire visit while they chatted w my husband and daughter. I dont want my child to loose out on family and I really dont want to make this a war but I am tired of the disrespect