Don't teach my niece to be a bigot, you asshole, I mean Dad

The BBQ Pit
1

My 14-month-old niece is visiting Grandma (my mother) for a week. I went to see her yesterday. She’s just starting to talk.

While I was there, my dad twice tried to engage me in conversation about the local ignorant wetback children who don’t know who their fathers are and whose mothers have double-digit IQs. I didn’t bite – I merely ignored him, and I think that made me madder than the fact that he was talking that way.

My dad has never had any sensitivity toward the feelings of other people. When I was growing up in that house, he was basically a guy who also lived in the house (yes, he is my biological father) and had bitch privileges toward me and my sister. That was pretty much the extent of his interaction with us. A little knee-bouncing when we were babies, but that’s about it.

He cannot use a neutral term when there’s an offensive slang word available. And he never misses a chance to say something offensive. My mom brought me a nice ceramic wall hanging that they bought in Mexico while traveling. When she gave it to me, my dad’s comment was, “We got it off a dead Mexican (haw haw haw).” My reply was, “Nice, Dad. Very racist.” It went in one ear and out the other. Apparently he hasn’t made the connection between my multicultural friends, hobbies, and clothing and the fact that I don’t participate in or respond to his racist spewings. He also uses “damn,” “shit,” and colleagues as colorful modifiers with no thought to the appropriateness of where he is saying them. At Grandma’s birthday party, for example, or in front of a child who is learning to talk.

Were this my child, I would have no qualms about telling him to can the bigoted potty mouth around her. But there’s already a goofy enough family dynamic at work (which I won’t go into here) that precludes my making a scene about it. I don’t see him changing his ways. My mother says nothing (part of the dynamic). And my sister, the niece’s mother, takes after Dad. (Example: At lunch with my mom, sister, and niece, I mentioned that Mr. S and I ate at an African restaurant the other day. My mother, afraid of anything different, says eww ick and wonders aloud what Africans eat. My sister laughs and says, “If Dad were here, he’s probably say ‘watermelon.’” Nice. Use Dad as an excuse for spouting that crap. With your daughter in a highchair next to you. She also enjoys baiting the mostly non-English-speaking Mexican kitchen workers where she works.)

I can’t do anything about my dad or my sister exposing my niece to this crap. The best I can do is hope to develop a good enough relationship with her (tricky, because it’s dicey between my sister and me – more that I won’t go into)to become Cool Auntie Scarlett and try to undo the damage her parents and grandfather will inflict. :mad:

I don’t even try for rants worth scoring – just wanted to get it off my chest. Mr. S has heard it too many times. Opinions and related anecdotes welcome.

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Deep breath, Scarlett67! I can relate, though my stepfather isn’t quite that bad.

Let’s call him David. David is white, straight and male. He speaks only English, served for a while in the armed forces, and enjoyed all-American pursuits as a youngster: surfing, football, and girls.

He seems to have the opinion that anyone who isn’t like him isn’t really human enough to have feelings (though he does go so far as to put white, straight women in the “acceptable to associate with” category). He spouts nonsense about various ethnic groups to anyone within earshot. He is an incredible homophobe, and refuses to even acknowledge the possibility that other religions may just have something to them.

We don’t see him often anymore, just every couple of holidays. But after each visit, I heartily wish that my (currently 2-year-old) daughter grows up to have a happy relationship with a black, buddist lesbian…and brings her to Christmas.

Is that so wrong? :wink:

3

I can totally relate, Scarlett. My father whom I no longer associate with sounds a lot like yours, except in his case, it was “Ukrainians and Pakies” that he hated. Not that it really matters who the target is; he would have hated whoever was around, I’m sure (an equal-opportunity bigot, no less). My mom finally left him one and a half years ago, after 35 years of marriage; I haven’t talked to him since, and I don’t expect I ever will again. I don’t miss him; he was a hateful man who hated everything and couldn’t say a nice thing to or about anybody to save his life. He had four nice daughters and a good wife; he treated us all badly, so now he has nothing.

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Now I need to start one less new thread.

Recently (like a little over a week ago), Mrs. Tranq, Snuggle Bug, and myself went to see my In-Laws (the reasons for which are likely to become the subject of a sulphurous Pit Rant all on their own, once I get my anger on a leash).

While there, Mrs. Tranq overheard my FIL playing “This Little Piggie” and “Eenie-meanie-miny-moe” with Snuggle Bug. How cute, a grandfather playing with his grandaughter, yes?
No.
He wasn’t using the traditional “piggies” or “tiger” for these little games, but nigger and coon. We’re appalled.

Fuck you, FIL. Fuck you with a rusty bit-and-brace.

Your grandaughter is a three-year-old innocent. Sure she’s smarter than almost anyone you know, but she’s got no BS filter yet, and your cute little “game” went right in under her radar. It’ll take Mrs. Tranq and myself weeks, maybe months to stomp-out your racist little ditties.

I used to respect you. Now there’s one less respectable person in the world. Fuck you for that, too!

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Sounds a lot like my dad, too. I will begin by saying that I love my father dearly, and most of the atrocious comments he makes are merely for shock value - he damn well knows better. In addition, my father has had friends, close friends, the come-over-for-dinner, overnight-fishing-trip kind of friends of many races. On one hand, that’s a good thing, because it shows he’s just shooting off at the mouth and doesn’t really believe the crap he spouts. On the other, it shows he likes to stir shit and my kids are being exposed to this nonsense.
He makes nasty comments about people on T.V. around my kids. Blacks, Hispanics, Indians, you name it. I think he’s coined several racial slurs himself. I’ve heard him refer to Little Bill (on the Nick Jr. cartoon of the same name) as “the little brown boy”.
My kids are 3 and 4. My dad sees them nearly every day (we live 5 minutes from my parents). I’ve decided that all I can do (aside from severing all family ties, which I’m unwilling to do) is to teach them respect for everyone, including their grandfather, even when he’s dead-ass wrong.

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Man, does this thread take me back. Once upon a time, many years ago, when my kids were little, we were all over at the Better Half’s stepfather’s house, watching TV with Grandma and Grandpa, a cozy family group around the TV. And the Bill Cosby show came on (remember that?). And Grandpa said, “Feh, change the channel.” And I said, “Huh? The kids love Cosby.” And he said, quote, “Get that damn nigger off my TV.”

And I picked up my kids and left. I got all the way out to the front porch before I was persuaded to come back only by the combined efforts of the Better Half, Grandma, and a half-hearted apology from Grandpa, who said, somewhat defensively, “That’s just how I was brought up.”

Geez. :frowning: I was never so thankful that they divided their time between Florida and Michigan, and we normally never saw them. Grandma’s a sweetie, but Step-Grandpa was a bigoted asshole who made his own children’s lives a living hell. De mortuiis, and all that notwithstanding…

He was also the one who told me, confidentially, “You know, I always like to get my car cleaned at this place over on the east end of Saginaw, where the coloreds have this car wash. Nobody knows how to get a car clean like the coloreds.”

:rolleyes:

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How I wish I could have done that with my niece – but she’s not my child. Those of you whose anecdotes involve your own children, count yourselves lucky that you can have a direct, everyday influence on the attitudes your children learn. I can only hope that my niece does not learn by osmosis. :frowning:

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My sympathies to those with biggoted relations. I’ll thrown in my little hijack i guess… my own relatives fall into this type and it’s grated at my nerves for quite a while now. I’ve not had the gumption to start my own BBQ thread, so i figure i’ll just toss in my own frustration here as others have done.

My step-mother grew up in Odessa. Whether or not this really is an excuse for her attitudes? I don’t know. When i was about 18 or 19 though, she asked me straight out, “You’ll never marry someone who’s not white, would you?” I can’t recall what led into this. Shocked, i murmurred a “Uh, no…” She’s horribly racist. At the time all my friends were non-white, while they were welcome at my dad/stepmom’s house… they were never really “welcome”, and they knew it. My father has gotten worse over the years living with her, i figure. Last year, he was visiting some of their friends near Dallas, a small suburb, he calls me long distance, and one of the first things he relates is, “There are no spades living up here!” I was in shock. It’s crap like that which is why he’s never met any of my girlfriends, and very very few of my male friends. Heaven help me if he found out some of my BEST friends are gay and lesbian. My step-sisters husband takes the cake though. He’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. While visiting him last year, he made the comment, “I wish all the spades and spics (hispanic/latinos, for those not familiar with the slang) would get some kind of disease like sickle-cell and die”. Yes, this is messed up as sickle-cell is predominantly found in those of african descent. Aside from that, it’s repulsive, and i’ve made the stand of never visiting him again. He’s a moron, and he’s offensive. I have Cystic Fibrosis, which is predominantly found in those of european descent. His comments were pretty much a stab right at someone like me. He’s just too stupid to know it. I’m not easily offended. But it’s crap like that which really gets under my skin.

Ok. That’s all.

9

Not to hijack, but why is it that older folks who spout racist remarks expect people to tolerate it because “that’s how I was brought up”? Why the hell should how someone was brought up make a difference? Do they not know now that the kind of remarks they make are offensive? If they do, then why do they make them? If I’d been brought up to spit tobacco on the carpet, could I just say “that’s the way I was brought up” when they make horrified faces at the mess I just made on their new ivory Berber?

This is definitely one of my pet peeves. One’s upbringing is not an excuse for continued and unrepentant rudeness.

jayjay

10

I suppose I’ll get my related story off of my chest. I shouldn’t subject people to hearing this, but it’s been bothering me for a lifetime.

My mother has told me numerous times how black people and Hispanic people should be “in their place.” She won’t mention exactly what this means, but I get the idea. The few times I’ve mentioned that this idea was bigoted, she gave the wonderful excuse of “that’s how I was raised.” She complains constantly of her childhood neighborhood being taken over by persons of color. Another thing she did was when I went to college I would often tell her that I was taking my friends home to meet her, and she’d practically go ballistic when she learned that they were Asian, Hispanic, black, etc. She’d always mention how Asians or Hispanics or blacks were not welcome in her house. I don’t know why she didn’t see the situation that put me in once when I had to tell a friend that maybe we shouldn’t stay with my mother when going on a road trip in that area because she won’t let people of other races and ethnicities in her home.

My sister has been known to mention every once in a while how her family moved from a former residence because there were too many black people in the neighborhood. I also have a cousin that I hadn’t spoken to in about 10 years who I saw just recently. Him and my sister were telling me how I needed a boyfriend when he suddenly started talking about how I had better date a white boy. At that time, I promptly started telling him how I’d date whomever I pleased. Somehow I’m thinking that I wouldn’t be missing out on much if I didn’t see him for another 10 years. And yes, there are youngsters around. My sister and my cousin both have young children of their own.

I wish everyone the best in protecting their innocent young loved ones from bigotry and hatred.

11

My wife and I have discussed this at length. It seems the level of racism is lowering with each generation. My grandparents can be technically defined as bigots. My grandpa wouldn’t let any black people in his house for my aunt’s birthday, even tho they were her friends, and grandma to this day, can’t make a comment about someone without the comment of whether they’re white or not. My folks are better about it, but it’s still an issue as my mom even told me–one of those “but some of my best friends are black…” attitude. I don’t think they’re prejudiced at all, but it is an issue with them, due to how they were brought up, and I think they did a wonderful job of overcoming those attitudes. My wife and I are in our 20s and I think our generation may be the first where race is largely not an issue anymore, as far as our attitudes toward people.

I have to disagree with the notion that racism is due to ignorance. That sounds like saying, “They don’t like other races because they don’t KNOW something or haven’t LEARNED something” That’s crap. People are just mean, petty and cruel, and no amount of education or learning can or will change that. There are those who will say those tendencies are in this post on my part, and that’s fine if you disagree with me on this one. I’ve just seen enough human nature to know that people will not change their attitudes if they don’t want to, regardless of the amount of evidence or “rightness”/morality of the subject.

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And what was she doing out of the kitchen anyway?!

[sub]I will burn in hell…[/sub]