Dealing with racist relatives

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ve posted a number of threads (too many) about my racist MIL. Last weekend, though, I got an earful from other in-laws, all sitting around using racial epithets and commenting that it was a good thing I couldn’t hear them because I get on my MIL for it.

So, basically, all of the in-laws I thought were okay people have turned out to be racists. Yeah, I should have guessed from the way my MIL acts, as if I’m the only person in history ever to have complained about her racism, but it seems she’s just the only one who’s willing to get criticized for it.

I didn’t say anything to anyone about overhearing their conversation. My FIL had just died, and I definitely didn’t want to start some whole huge confrontation.

So, I didn’t speak up. Now, I’m back in Ohio. They live in Kentucky and Missouri. My husband doesn’t like his mother, so my interactions with her have been limited, to my huge relief. But this is his brother, his SIL, his uncle, people he loves and respects.

I thought they were okay. Now I dislike them. My reaction might be too extreme, I’ll admit that, but the thought of seeing any of them makes my lip curl.

But for better or worse, they’re my relatives.

Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation? What did you do?

Advice welcome, up to and including telling me to get over it.

2

Growing up in the South, I know how this goes. In fact, I would hazard to guess that none of them are outwardly racist - i.e. assaulting black people or the like. They just might not be willing to accept that using racial epithets in the comfort of their own family is really racism. That, I believe, is a fairly common belief in the South.

Of course it’s still racism - but in their minds, “Everybody does it, even black people!”

Since they’re pretty far away, I’d just let it go for now. Of course, when you’re around them (and you could let your husband know to let them know this) you should let them know that racism of any sort will not be tolerated. That includes racial epithets and other racial undertones.

And if one of them brings it up in any way, or mentions it, then you can use that as a chance to constructively address the problems of racism and your problems with it. Perhaps you’ll have a slim chance of doing battle with ignorance on the front lines. That is to say, Kentucky and Missouri.

  • Peter Wiggen
3

And I apologize in advance for quoting your entire dang post. :smack:

4

Most of my family say racist things and though they try not to say things around me, it slips out. I used to get into heated debates and try to correct their outlooks, but it was a waste of time. One of the issues (unlike KY and MO?) is that the fam lives in an area of very little ethnic/racial diversity and therefore they dont’ see their attitude and behavior as being damaging to anyone they personally know (much less in the wider world.)

I’ve struggled with this for decades and don’t have anything wise to offer, but I know how distressing it is to hear vile remarks come from people one has to associate with periodically :frowning: .

5

My practice has always been to leave them alone as long as they were not saying something hateful in front of my kids. (Of course, I view racism as an evil to be fought, but racists as simply people with issues.) I do not choose to get in the face of a racist (particularly family) any more than I would get in the face of someone I knew who had had an adulterous relationship or whom I suspected of stealing. If their act is causing direct harm to someone I love, (or if I catch them in the act), then I will make it an issue, but I know too many sinners whom I willingly forgive to suddenly begin picking and choosing which sins are forgiveable.

As noted, they will not be permitted to spread racist lies in front of my kids, (and in Doper fashion, I will generally point out any falsehoods or fallacies if someone is trying to back a big point during a discussion), but if they are not also cheating in their marriages, torturing their pets, stealing gas from their neighbors’ tanks, and spitting on the sidewalk, they may be basically good and loveable people with a single (very large) flaw. The only guy whom most of us would associate with being perfectly good made it a point to hang out with “bad” people–generally without condemning them. I figure I ought to make an effort to do the same.

I am aware that there are posters, here, who believe that racism and homophobia and some other biased attitudes amount to the Sin Against the Holy Ghost. If those are your views, my advice, here, is worthless. However, I have simply never seen the need to write off and discard people because their sins differ from my preferred sins.

6

Nice phrasing.

Personally, I’m vigilant about what’s said under my own roof. As Maya Angelou stated, you can’t let that kind of thing poison your air, those words float around and can wind up in your rice.

When statements have been made by my relatives in other relatives’ homes, I give it my best quizzical/disgusted look for starters. Next level is a correction of a statement of fact. Next comes leaving. Which I’ve done.

It sounds like your in-laws realize you’re not going along with “the game”, and respect you enough to refrain from pushing. I think Miss Manners would say that what’s in people’s hearts and minds isn’t really our concern - it’s what they say and how they behave that affect us.

One of the most racist people I knew was an elderly neighbor, a widower who was desperate for conversation and used to visit us often, whether we’d invited him or not. Nice guy, tended to repeat his stories, but they were at least interesting; he knew Elvis and the Manning family (he was from Memphis). And he’d fought in WWII, volunteered, served in the Pacific theatre. His descriptions of Japanese people were racist. I changed the subject when I could, mentioned a couple of my experiences which were to the contrary. But I had too much respect for him to challenge him directly on it - this is a man who put his life on the line for me (figuratively). In his adulthood, the Japanese were the Enemy - who was I to “correct” that?

7

This is my SIL. My policy is pretty simple: You set the rules in your house I set the rules in mine.

My SIL was railing against the perceived misdeeds the “niggers” had done to her to cop husband when I, hopefully, politely told we do not talk like that in my house, and if she continued we could remove ourselves to her house, where it was acceptable terminology, she could stop, or she could leave. She was irritated, but hasn’t done it since.

8

I think racism and homophobia are at odds with kindness and intelligence, and I value kindness and intelligence over loyalty or “family.” I don’t know whether that puts me into the category you are describing.

9

I would not get in the face of a man who was cheating on his wife, unless he started talking about what great sex he was having with his girlfriend at the family reunion. Similarly, I won’t challenge racists unless they start using epithets or making generalizations in my presence.
There used to be a bumper sticker that said “What if ignorance were painful?” Well, it can be. After a while people will understand that an epithet or disparaging remark will mean that they spend the rest of the afternoon/evening defending it. Of course, I only had one in-law couple like that*. It might be different if you had a whole roomful of them. It shouldn’t, but it probably would.

*from Delaware. What is it with the old Union Slave States? I mean I also met some of my ex’s relatives from Georgia and Alabama, and they didn’t say anything like that, and looked horrified the one time they heard it. Was it because they were in New York?

10

I recently realised that a branch of my family was racist; my grandmother on my dad’s side and her kids (though not their kids, thankfully) just started using racial epithets every so often. Either I didn’t know enough to notice before, or my parents told them to hold back until my brother and I were older. It was actually really shocking; i’d never met any actual racists before (to my knowledge) and here some were, and they’re my own family.

It’s different from the OP, though, in that they’re pretty crappy people anyway; I already hated my gran, and I wasn’t exactly too fond of my uncles/aunt, because they’re just not nice people anyway. And we don’t see them much, thankfully, because my parents don’t care for them either.

11

I dated an Indian (Native American) woman for awhile (I’m white). Most of her relatives had a real attitude towards me, especially her brothers. I tried to grin and bear it, but at the family Christmas gathering, I was called “White Boy” over and over again–and it wasn’t being said with a smile, either. These were people who I hadn’t even met before.
Later on, I asked the woman to speak to her brothers–could she ask them to lay off the name calling? No, that’s just the way they are, she said. I moved on.

12

A lot of people were just raised around racism and assume it as one the ways that they express ideas. Racism isn’t always at odds with kindness either. Racism can be expressed in both a generic and an individual ways. Generic racism would be things like saying “Those niggers wake us up at all hours with the stereos blastin from their pimpmobiles.” Generic racism doesn’t actually mean that the person hates all people at that group. There probably are black kids driving them crazy. My father and grandmother are horribly racist in their speech against blacks. However, two of their most favorite people in the world are the black women that raised me and other kids in our family. My father even taught in an all black school for a while. That disconnect between the group and the individual is common with your everyday closet racist. I don’t think it is that evil. I also don’t think the intelligence argument has much merit. I have heard some quite well read racists compare unfavorable statistics about blacks with other groups. I can’t say they were ignorant. The information was correct and well laid out but maybe the sweeping conclusions weren’t PC (or maybe not valid at all). It is possible to learn racism from your own real life experience too. If you own a store in a BLANK neighborhood and constantly get harassed and robbed by a certain group, then certain feelings can creep in based on real experiences.

Contrast that with someone that actively goes out to harm members of a particular group just because they belong to that group. That is evil and must be confronted or avoided.

13

Several of my uncles and cousins can get really bad with “nigger this” and “raghead that”. I found that confronting them on it only makes it worse, so I generally grit my teeth and then try and change the subject.

I am so tempted though to hire a black guy to pose as my date for a family party, just to piss them off. No, it wouldn’t be fair to him, but dammit, they’re so fucking annoying.

14

At a family poker party a few weeks ago a cousin of mine started to tell a racist joke. I stopped him before he went to far and suggested he shut up or things would get uglier than his joke. Things were awful quiet for a few minutes till my brother suggested we get going with our poker game. My step father was extremely racist and I have had zero tolerance for those types since.

15

But they are not in direct conflict. I would never refrain from opposing an evil act out of either loyalty or some familial connection. If my SIL’s husband would start in on “those people,” I would point out counter examples and reasons why his statements were not true of “those people.” It never came to that point, (probably because it was pretty clear where my views lay), but if he had ever made a demeaning remark in front of my kids, I’d have called him on it, directly, even if it had been at his home for Thanksgiving dinner in front of his like-minded family. (His mother had a penchant for making odd observsations on race that I routinely challenged as politely as I could.)

Why does kindness only work for people with whom you agree? I do not suggest that you ever permit racist remarks to go unchallenged in front of your kids. On the other hand, it sounds as though you are considering some sort of break with the family–including people loved by your spouse. Do you think that your spouse is lessened by continuing to love someone with failings? Do you think that their views will contaminate your spouse? Will seeing them for two or three days each year or so render harm to you and yours?

Is adultry an act of kindness? Have you ruthlessly purged your life of any person who has ever cheated on a spouse or loved one?

(I do not want answers to these questions; I am simply trying to frame them in a way to show where I am coming from. I am also not going to come back and judge you if you decide that those people cannot be a part of your life, in any way. I am hoping, however, that you can see the situation from enough viewpoints that you do not feel compelled to do something that will hurt your spouse, either by causing a rift in his family or in yours.)

16

I’m very interested in this thread.

I always assumed, being a good canadian girl, that my family was as tolerant as I was. Part of growing up was realizing the inherent racism/bigotry in my family.

My first introduction was in University. My mom was up to pay some tuition for me (bless her heart). A friend had recently come out to a group of us, and we had agreed to go to the local rainbow meeting with her. A fellow friend saw me on campus and called out to ask if I was still going to make it to the rainbow meeting that night. I didn’t think anything of it, and said yes. Cut to my mother calling me at midnight to ask if I was a lesbian, and telling me she didn’t think she could handle it. I was not, thank gods, so it was ok. But I’ve spent the next few years nudging her towards acceptance… ie, did you know that guy you liked so much is now gay? Well, if he’s ok, then…

Next experience. My step grandfather was a Japanese prisoner of war. I read an article where he refered to the Japanese and Chinese as japs and chinks. I was 20 when I read it, and was shocked. It took a lot of education for me to understand where this comes from.

Last anecdote. My grandpa, who I admire above all others, once told me to move away from Vancouver b/c it was being overrun by Asians. This was the first racist utterance I ever heard from him. On one hand, I give him credit for not being an open racist, on the other I was shocked.

My advice? In a nutshell, I spend a LOT of time undermining stereotypes with my family members by giving real life examples… "Oh, you like so and so? Btw, did you know she was gay? etc etc… And when it gets bad, I simply say “You’re such an old fogey… get a clue, didn’t you know <dispells racist myth here>”. I’ve been coloured as the left wing liberal in my family, but at least I can take their predilictions with a grain of salt. I considered it as a success when my mom accepted the fact that my best friend was gay without any disparaging comments whatsoever.

Ah, the joys of the Aryan family dynamic.

17

Now see, I think I would have been more upset by the notion that my mother wouldn’t be able to accept it if I had been gay. Not that she was prejudiced against gays (for the record, neither of my parents are), but that they wouldn’t have accepted ME, if I were gay. I’m not, but the idea of being rejected would still hurt like a bitch.

My parents aren’t bigots by any means, but sometimes they’ll make certain remarks about stereotypes, especially about Jewish people. “Oh, that’s your typical Jew, they just blah blah blah…” It’s really annoying, but since I know they don’t treat people any differently, nor do they really have anything against Jews (or blacks, or Asians, or whoever), they just tend to associate some stereotypes, I let it go.

Like I said, with the rest of my family, I learned if I called them on it, it only makes them rant louder and longer, until I want to dig my eardrums out with an ice pick. So I just ignore it.

18

Well, I dunno.

My grandmother, till the day she died, refered to brazil nuts as “Nigger Toes”.

In safeway, she’d yell “Ging - grab some nigger toes”, and I would yell "GRANDMA?!?! and she would say, exasperated “What - that’s what they’re called!!”

Now, grandma wasn’t racist. She certainly didn’t think that she was better than people of other races, was pleased with every girlfriend/boyfriend any of her children or grandchildren, regardless of race, and reallydidn’t have a bigoted bone in her body.

Except when she grew up, brazil nuts were called “nigger toes” and she just couldn’t shake it. I dunno, I just couldn’t write a person who was kind and generous, and accepting, because she was unable to shake a stupid idiom from her childhood.

Obviously, YMMV.

19

I had never experienced blatant racism until I married an American and met her extended family, all from the South. A few Christmases ago, we were all at the home of her grandparents, and her grandfather was telling an offensive story about a girl at the mall, whom he continually referred to as “a little nigger girl” and spoke about her in terms that indicated he thought she (and her race by extension) was some kind of exotic, amusing but stupid species of amoeba, not a person. And the aunts and uncles and their children all laughed repeatedly. Not the kind of nervous laughter when you’re indulging somebody you otherwise respect, but the kind where they were totally behind his logic (or lack thereof).

I could not wait to get out of there. In the Christmases since, we’ve found a reason not to be able to go there. I am not in a position to challenge their stupidity, and I refuse to give my tacit approval by not saying anything. I do not want to know any people whose minds work this way, and if all I can do about it is to stay away from them, that’s what I’ll do.

20

Not only were they the Enemy, they did terrible things to those they captured. The old man’s reaction was utterly normal. It wasn’t quite a commonplace, but you could often tell those who’d fought over there by the fact that they didn’t have anything Japanese in the house. A good friend is one such: he survived Changi.