Dealing with racist relatives

In My Humble Opinion
21

My grandmother used to call black licorice that was common in candy stores “nigger babies.” A black sales clerk once adminished her for this phrase and she was so embarrassed.

She, however, was a racist, but not in the “quick, burn that cross” variety. She lived in a small rural enclave before marrying and moving to a big city when she was in her mid '20s. So she never even saw a blackperson until then.

She was big on stereotyping as opposed to flat-out bigotry. Like, when I called the paramedics when she was having difficulty breathing one day and one of them was black, she pulled me aside, worried that he would come back and robn the place. He overheard and looked at me with a look that said, “it’s okay, I don’t take this personally.”

But she would sit next to black people in church and I used to have black friends come over with me and she was fine.

It’s hard to imagine taking someone from a different era and dropping them into a new time and place and having them get everything. In many ways, the world changing around my grandmother was that same concept. She just couldn’t keep up.

She was a dear, sweet lady who went to her grave with stereotypes in her heart and mind about a lot of things she would never understand but she didn’t go out of her way to hurt people and things she didn’t understand - but she would go out of her way to deal with them if she could.

I have a few racist relatives - some like grandma was, some a lot worse. I just try not to bring up topics that can inflame and generally avoid confrontation when them come up. Such avoidance keeps me sane.

22

True, he reluctantly forgave us for owning a Honda.

23

My BIL is an equal-opportunity hater. He despises anyone who is not a white Republican, but saves his nastiest comments for people of color. I tolerate him for the sake of my sister, but my respect for her suffers for letting him spew his hate in front of his grandchildren. His latest one at the last Thanksgiving gathering was that NBA stands for Nigger Basketball Association, nyuknyuk.

Regrettably, she has picked up on some of his little wisdoms. Some time ago, during a conversation, she referred to the local Native hospital as the ‘drunken Native hospital’. I said, quietly, “You know, sis, you’re much smarter and much better than that, but when you parrot what your husband says, you come off as incredibly ignorant.” She just gave me a thoughtful look, but hasn’t repeated it since.

Families can be incredibly complex to deal with, and unless you’re willing to alienate a portion of it, you don’t have much choice other than to just sit quietly or avoid gatherings. It goes against every instinct that I have to listen to my BIL poison his grandkids’ minds, but so far I’ve remained silent because I value my sister’s friendship. At some point, the hypocrisy will become too much and I’ll just take my chances.

24

You know, I entered this thread just planning to read the posts, not really thinking I had something to contribute. But now I realize I do.

My father. He is a super great guy who I love deeply. But over the past couple of years, I’ve noticed something very scary about him: He’s a raving anti-Semite.

For instance, two Christmases ago I visited and we were watching a program about Shaq O’Neal and his family. He said something like “See, people like Shaq and Kobe Bryant are good guys”. I expressed my wonder with the sentiment, since Kobe was still in the media limelight regarding that whole rape allegation thing. I told him I didn’t know what was so “good” about Kobe, who even if he wasn’t a rapist was still an adulterer. He definitely didn’t belong in the same group as Shaq, I felt.

“Oh, you’re just like the rest of those Jews!” he yelled, throwing his hands up in the air.

:eek:

I had already begun noticing how he would casually sneak in “Jew” and “dirty kike” remarks in conversations. (There was the time, years ago, when I had stumbled across an old photo of him and I had told him that he looked like Gabe Koffman, from “Welcome Back Kotter”. I don’t look like that dirty kike!, he had exclaimed. But it hadn’t seemed like such a big offense back then).

I suddenly felt that the “one of those Jews” insult was the last straw. I also have a lot of Jewish friends. Hell, earlier that week, an old friend of mine–a “dirty Jew”–had taken me out to lunch. I can count on one hand the number people who have ever taken me out to lunch. So his remark about me being a “Jew” hurt a lot, because I knew how insulting he was intentionally being and how utterly hateful he was being.

Later that day, I confronted him. My father is a nice guy but he’s also a jackass with a temper sometimes. So I was scared. But I told him that I’d noticed he was an anti-Semite and that it not only troubled me, but it offended me, a person who had been raised better than that. And then I started to cry. I know seeing my tears shamed him much more than anything I could have said, because for once in his life he was speechless. Then he apologized for “calling me out of my name” (the whole “one of those Jews” remark). And the next morning he pulled me aside and told me he’d do better.

It was one of the most memorable moments I’ve ever had with my father.

So, there is a way to be loving but firm when it comes to standing up to racists. Sometimes, I think, racists feel they can be the way they are because they have the tacit approval of their family and peers. Maybe if someone they love chimes up and says “hey, whataminute!”, then they will realize how stupid and wrong they are being. I know my father did.

tomndebb, I don’t really disagree with what you said. I don’t think Jesus would have condemned a racist anymore than he would have condemned a pimp or a ho. But I don’t think he would have been okay with a pimp slapping a prostitute in his presence. I don’t think he would have been okay with a thief stealing in his presence. And I don’t think he would have been okay with a bigot spewing hatred and ugliness from his mouth. So although I think it’s good not to judge people, I don’t think you should swallow shit just out of love and loyalty. I love my father so much that I couldn’t let him be such an ugly person anymore, not without saying something. At least that’s how I feel.

25

Big ups to confronting your Pops, monstro. That couldn’t have been easy.

Bigotry and prejudice comes in all shapes and sizes. Most of it’s relatively benign quackery, unappealing and unflattering. Some of it’s much worse. Scarier, maybe. more violent.

While ethnocentrism is pretty common, actual racism, I’ve come to reflect, is a relatively rare phenomenon. We talk about it a lot, and cast a wide net identifying behaviors as such, but at the end of the day, its not the same.

Most of my relatives, I’ll admit, have various degrees of prejudice and bigotries towards whites, Latinos, Jews and (some) other blacks.

I don’t feel their attititudes are racist, though. I just don’t think the hatred, anger, emotionsl hurt, outrage, and resentment racist beliefs produces in the oppressed can be called racism in turn.

I don’t think a lot of things I used to think were racist a few months ago are proof of racism anymore.

If anything, my family is ribaldly homophobic as hell. Oh, they’re polite about it, but there’s all kinds of off the wall shit they’ve said about gay people in the past I’ve internalized that makes me cringe now.

26

I agree, hence my earleir statement

I would never suggest that anyone tolerate evil in their presence. I see the issue in the OP more as one of whether the only possible response to perceived evil is avoidance.

And in the case of families (where one may expect to encounter the evil more often with less room to avoid it), it is a tough choice, so, having voiced an opinion, I am quite willing to acknowledge that my choice may not be appropriate for another person.

27

My Grandmother was a paradigm of the stereotypical grandmother.

I can remember once, as a very young boy, we were stuck in a Walmart parkinglot. Her tire had gone flat and we were looking for a good samaritan to help us jack the car up and change the flat.

As we were looking I spoted out a black man. I then said:

Me: “What about him Grandma?” (points to the black man)

Her: “Oh no, dear, we don’t want to ask him.”

Me: “Why?”

Her: “Well, he’s a little dark…” (This all said in a sweet Grandma voice) I know it’s wrong, but it’s almost comical when I think back on it.

Personaly, I’m all about the: “Don’t throw your pearls before swine” bit.

I try to turn a blind eye to it and just focus on the parts I love about some of my racist family. All though it’s easier said than done sometimes.

You know what REALLY chaps my ass though? When someone says:

“Hey man! I can’t help it if I’m racist! I was RAISED this way.”

Good grief! If that isn’t the most obtuse arguement for being a racist; I don’t know what is. :rolleyes:

28

To date, my most effective method of dealing with racist jokes and comments is to act dumb.

“I don’t get it. Why is that funny?”
“What is that supposed to mean?”

When the person making the joke or comment commences with his or her explanation, keep asking questions.

“All of them are like that?”
“Have you ever met a [whatever] that does that?”
“You mean you’ve seen more than one [whatever] do that?”
“Do you think that’s a fair thing to say about another human being?”

The person making the joke or comment will then get offended, often tacking “It’s just a joke!” onto their protestations.

“Why are you getting mad at me? I’m just asking.”
“I don’t know why you’re getting mad at me. I just don’t get it. Explain it to me again; maybe I’ll catch on.”

They key is to keep calm, stay polite, and continue acting dumb. One can’t be accused of creating issues if one is only asking simple questions. :slight_smile:

29

Ah. The Socratic approach. Interesting.

30

OK, upfront, my SO is African-American, making my two children bi-racial; we’ve been together for nearly 25 years. Most of the family has been fairly good over the years … I don’t know whether this means that they’re not racists or whether they’ve just been good at covering it when around my immediate family, though! My Dad, though, comes from the Tidewater VA area; his family does have some openly racist views and probably a lot more closeted views. We haven’t seen them much over the years, though. Now my Dad has always been fairly liberal - when I was a kid, he took part in civil rights movement activities and was a member of NCCJ (National Council of Christians and Jews). As he’s aged, though, sometimes his childhood roots have shown themselves! I don’t let him slide - I call him on it and explain in no uncertain terms that it’s unacceptable. As for homophobia - well, my Dad is gay and so is one of my brothers; they’ve both been “out” since the late 70s, so the immediate family is quite tolerant. Heh, doesn’t mean that there aren’t some “closeted” homophobes there though. I’ve tried talking about this with my SO - he doesn’t like to compare homosexuality with civil rights. It would be interesting to see if my Dad had similar feelings. Hmm… I may explore that if the chance comes up (and knowing my Dad, it probably will!).

31

Hmm…I think my grandmother referred to me as a “nigger lover” when I was about 10 and I told her it wasn’t nice to call people “niggers”.

As fate would have it, my niece married a black guy (unfortunately, they are divorcing next month, but no animosity) and they have a gorgeous, intelligent, talented daughter that my grandmother, if she were still alive, would have hated.

As a Gay man who doesn’t “look Gay” (whatever that means), I am often in a room where someone will tell an unfunny “fag joke”.

I usually wait until the joke is over and then say, “by the way, I’m Gay.”

What is funny is to see their face when I tell them.

32

I’m with Tomndeb. Any hint of bigotry is considered The One Unforgivable Sin, not because it’s worse than lots of other things, but because looking back at slavery and Nazism has made us mentally allergic to it. South Africa was an international pariah because of apartheid–evil, yes–but did it really make them that much worse than some authoritarian country that unjustly persecuted everyone? Who cares if I’m murdered for being a dirty Jew, or murdered because the murderer was bored? Either way I’m just as dead.

Back to the OP, my late Uncle Jack could clip a leaf off a plant and grow it into a whole new one. He owned a copy of the Harvard Classics series and would take a volume to bed with him every night, to read a little before he went to sleep. He could hear a few bars of a piece of classical music and identify it, just like that. He was also a flaming racist. When I was twelvish and told him that I thought black was no better or worse than white, he smiled indulgently and told me I’d understand when I was older. Once, he complained that those damned coloreds should never have come here in the first place. (Uh, Uncle Jack, they were chained to the boat.) That’s when I learned that racism has no logic.

Come to think of it, I can’t answer the OP very well. Look at them and sigh and know they love you, and wait for them to die off?

33

My family is racist and homophobic; some of them extremely so. They’re great people in other ways, and I love them…I don’t know what’s to be done. Discussing it really doesn’t help (trust me, it’s best not to go there.) I’m lucky that I’m straight and attracted to my own race, or I’d be disowned in a heartbeat.

34

Not to be snarky or anything, but this always makes me want to laugh (in that ironic sense, not the belly busting style)…Not tolerated? What does that mean? That he/she will leave if there are racial epithets or other racial undertones? I’d be willing to bet that if he/she left the reaction would be somewhere along the lines of, “Oh, well.” Constructively address the problems of racism? Sorry, but those who have been raised and throughly surrounded by the acceptance of racists remarks and way of thinking usually already are aware of racism, and have come to accept it as a perfectly okay way of thinking (or at least can justify their way of thinking).

My mom and brother are the two most racist and biggoted people I know, and there is no way that I will ever be able to change their way of thinking, regardless of how many times I tell them that I am offended, attempt to demonstrate by example or direct address how their opinions are incorrect (for example, that all Black people are lazy and welfare recipients, or how Mexicans are all living in the states illegally).

My way of not tolerating their ignorace is to simply avoid it. They are very comfortable with their racism and biggotry, and to them, I’m the one who is ignorant because I’m “too accepting of all that bullshit”.

35

Human brains are always making associations, it’s what they do. If you can successfully resist making generalizations about people, more power to you. But trying to get everyone to agree with you is like trying to hold back the tide. I call my family on the really ridiculous stuff, but some of it I just have to let go. You can’t make everyone conform to your point of view.
It’s kind of like if I married into a really religious family. Inwardly, I’d feel as little respect for their beliefs as the OP for his in-laws’ beliefs. But as long as they don’t try to convert me or force me to participate in their religion, I’d just leave it be. I wouldn’t try to convince them of my point of view.

36

I absolutely don’t mean to hijack this thread - but I completely disagree. Yes - you leave the room. Or yes - you argue with the racists. Yes - you do not tolerate racism in your presence.

Why? People, even racists, can clean up their act if they feel it’s necessary. I don’t say “goddamn” around my friends who tend to shriek and stab their ears if they hear that word. I change to accommodate them. I have friends who are racist - and they don’t use racial epithets around me. Why? Because I’m their friend and I ask them not to - and when they do, then we argue. The majority of people are willing to follow social guidelines if they’re clearly spelled out.

And would the reaction only be “Oh well?” Maybe - but she’s family now. And most people will try to accommodate their brother’s wife or niece-in-law. Plus, most people I know try to avoid or mitigate tensions at family gatherings. My guess is that they would refrain from using racial epithets in her presence. YMMV.

Ok - not to be snarky on my end, but I’m going to call BS here. I was raised in the Deep South. For all practical purposes and intents my school was segregated - de facto segregation where blacks and whites did not socialize. I was exposed to racism on a daily basis. It’s wrong. I don’t accept it as a perfectly okay way of thinking or justify it. I know other people from similar situations who have similarly rejected racism.

My experience has been that many racist people are racist because of their experience and their friends. If there has never been a person or a friend who stood up and said “hey, racism is bullshit - and it’s ok NOT to be racist.” they might never be exposed to the other side. If they have never had someone from a different race who can make them think realistically about the harms of racism, they may never associate using a racial epithet in their own home and deeper social ills.

And you know what? It’s hard to come to grips with the fact that racial epithets in the comfort of your own home are still racism. It’s hard to understand that the use of racial epithets marginalizes a group of people in your mind - and that breeds intolerance.

That’s your choice. I’m just glad that the white students fighting racism in the South in the 1960s didn’t decide to just “simply avoid” the issue because other people were resistant to change.

And, on preview, let me say that last sentence reads a little harsh - I don’t mean to attack you or suggest that you are wrong for avoiding the issue with your mom and brother. I understand the concept of choosing your battles - racism is just one that I choose to take on - and your battles lie elsewhere. So please don’t be offended by my book-long post disagreeing with you. :slight_smile:

  • Peter Wiggen
37

Just so you know, you aren’t hijacking. This is definitely part of what I was looking for.

38

The aunt and uncle I live with are very racist, but not in an agressive way. They don’t want to kill all the blacks or Arabs or whatever, they just think they’re all inferior. My uncle in particular will often start a story with “My black friend…” and then proceed to tell me something about this person. Yesterday I was asking him about the religious makeup of this town (a small, mostly Catholic one) and he said, and I quote, “I’m not prejudiced, but I don’t trust Muslims. Wherever there’s a war or a terrorist attack those people are there.” I just nodded and left. My aunt hates natives and thinks they’re all leeches. She refers to non-whites as “darkish”, as if it somehow is a good way to tell what they’re like. It’s sickening but I put up with it.

There’s no way to change them, if I suggest to them that perhaps their worldview isn’t very pleasent they’ll hate me until they die. I live here for free, so I don’t rock the boat.

39

With regard to WW2 veterans and the Japanese, I’d suggest it’s not hatred of the Japanese because they’re Japanese, but rather taking vengeance on the country.

40

I understand that desire to rid yourself of racist family members…I have more than a few myself. I also know that these are people who love me, and while I hate their racist attitudes they hate the fact that I am a liberal and wonder why I can’t just be a republican like all right-minded people. I have learned to accept that this is the way some of my relatives are, and I know that if I ever have kids my relatives will all be made aware that comments like this are not acceptable in front of them in the same way I wouldn’t want them smoking and drinking in front of my kids (again, if I ever have any).