Did you grow up with bigoted parents?

In My Humble Opinion
1

This thread is sort of a corollary to this thread, in which I bemoan the bigoted attitudes that my father and sister are passing on to my niece.

Or are they? I grew up listening to my dad’s racist garbage, as well as that of other family members. Neighborhood tongues wagged when two of our neighbors’ daughters married black men. My cousin “just knew it was some of them niggers” that burglarized her house. Hmongs grow rice paddies in their rented living rooms and eat dog. And on and on. My mother didn’t promote these attitudes, but she didn’t speak against them, either. My sister is now a bigot too, but she pretends she isn’t.

As a child, I knew that these ideas were wrong, but did not speak up against them. Too shy, I guess. There are lasting effects that irk me. For example, it bugs me when I “notice” people of other races in public. True, we live in a pretty white-bread area, so they do tend to stand out. But it bothers me that my first thought is “there’s a black person,” instead of “there’s a person,” or better yet, nothing at all. Believe me, I am working to change that, but it’s like trying not to think of a purple elephant.

On the other hand, in the 17 years since I’ve left my parents’ house (sidetrack: I’ve been gone as long as I’ve lived there!), I’ve developed interests that embrace other cultures. Of course, my family finds my interests in ethnic/vegetarian food, drumming circles and world music “weird.” My dad has never met any of my gay or dark-skinned friends, and I’d like to keep it that way. Screw my family if they want to live in their sad little ignorant world.

So do you think there’s hope for my niece? After all, I managed not to become a bigot, despite my horrid family influences. In the other thread, several folks have mentioned having parents with misplaced attitudes. If you grew up hearing that crap, how did you deal with it? Were there external influences that kept you from absorbing it, or did you know for yourself that it was wrong? Did you confront your family about their remarks, now or as a child? What was the response?

Please help poor Auntie Scarlett have some hope for the future.

2

My grandparents are the same way. Always making comments about “n***ers” (can I say that on here?). I cringe every time, but luckily my dad didn’t turn out that way. I think he just sort of tolerates it as well to avoid a confrontation.
As for me, I just ignore it. I don’t say anything, just to avoid creating a situation among my family. Of course, they aren’t so bad that it seriously offends me, I assume that your family is much much different from what I’ve read.
It sounds to me like if this is offensive to you, you should talk to them about it. Be prepared for a possibly violent conflict, and know what might happen if you do confront them with this.

3

Well, my dad doesn’t like to be served by anybody who isn’t white when he’s in a restaraunt or store. My grandparents, on the other hand, don’t have the slightest problem with it, and I don’t think that they ever did. I guess the main difference is that Dad has lived in Kentukcy for twenty-five years now. He doesn’t understand that applying that policy in southern California would eventually lead to death by starvation. (My grandparents also live in southern Cal.)

4

My father has an unhealthy affection for ZOG theories. (That’s “Zionist Occupied Government”, which is what you get when you toss some conspiracy theory into a blender with a heap of anti-semitism.) However, I didn’t really grow up with it–the first time I even realized he harbored that was when Desert Shield turned into Storm, and Iraq was getting into the habit of Scudding at Israel to try to provoke something more major. It took a couple years to rebuild my respect, and the sheer intensity of my disgusted reaction pretty much guaranteed he never brought it up again for those several years.

Reflecting on that dichotomy between a genuinely good heart, and genuinely idiotic beliefs coexisting with each other, has given me a great sympathy for meme theory.

5

I think there is hope for your neice. Either she follows the same path as you, or you educate her.

Luckily my family grew up in Canada, so they aren’t racist or anything. My mom is actually really open-minded. And the people im around are that way too. I think the best part is that my mom’s friend smokes pot, and she’s really cool cuz she helps us out when we have problems with that kinda stuff.

I find it hard to beleive there are still racist people in the world. Hopefully that will change, eventually.

6

My grandparents are horribly bigoted against everyone but Christians and Jews.
My parents are also bigoted, but only slightly, so it’s not usually too bad.

7

I always figured my maternal grandfather was the role model for Archie Bunker. My parents aren’t quite that bad - they never used the epithets, but my mom had conniptions when she found out I dated a black man.

I’m like you, Scarlett in that I notice and hate that I notice. I’ve made a real effort to teach my daughter to accept people as individuals, tho she did give me a scare some years back.

She came home from kindergarten and declared “I don’t like Whosis” (can’t remember the kid’s name) - I knew he was the only black kid in her class and I braced myself.
“Why don’t you like him?”
“Because he’s a kissy-boy!” Translation - he liked to chase the girls on the playground and kiss them. I breathed a sigh of relief - a valid, non-racist reason to dislike him.

So, maybe we don’t necessarily learn from our families, but in spite of them…

8

just a thought…

Isn’t it funny that it’s allways someone else who is a biggot? The best we can do is ‘notice we notice’.

Isn’t it also funny that biggotry seems to be geographically determined?
e.g.
ssj_man2k: Luckily my family grew up in Canada, so they aren’t racist or anything
ITR champion: …Dad has lived in Kentukcy for twenty-five years now. He doesn’t understand that applying that policy in southern California would eventually lead to death by starvation.

(you’re right. it’s not funny)
b.t.w. ssj_man2k and ITR champion, sorry for quoting out of context.

9

My dad is politically slightly to the right of the John Birch Society we have it on good authority that he’s read two complete books in his life: None Dare Call it Treason (and he bought us each a copy, too - I was, I think about 10 at the time); and Robert’s Rules of Order.

My mom - always would ask me what color my boyfriends eyes were, and always noted if I mentioned a Daryl or Jose.

hmmmm. Yep. And yes, there’s hope for your neice. I had a coworker who’d marched with Dr. King (his dad was a preacher in D-Troit and Dr. King had visited their home). He and I used to talk about the state of the world. I see hope for the future - when I was growing up, mixed race couples were almost never seen. Last weekend I went to the b/day party of one employee’s child and grandchild. The relatively small party included folks who were of a wide variety of backgrounds, mostly mixed.

10

Uh, if you’re implying that those of us who are trying desperately to fight our childhood programming are really genuine bigots in sheep’s clothing, then I wish you’d just come out and say it (in another thread, please, and likely in the Pit; I’d prefer that this one not be hijacked) rather than sneaking in here with innuendo.

There’s a big difference between thinking to oneself, “Oh look, there’s a black person” and “that nigger better stay in his place and not date my daughter.” And between whether one decides to teach one’s children to see people as individuals or as hateful stereotypes.

Of course, if that’s not what you’re implying, then I’d sure as hell like an explanation of what you mean. (Again, elsewhere, please.)

11

My parents aren’t bigoted at all. Thank god.

But my mother’s dad was horrible. She told me that, and how much it always bugged her. I am not sure how she managed to not adopt his attitude, but clearly it’s possible.

I’ve always had a hard time coming to terms with that fact about my grandfather, because my mom has always said she wished he’d lived longer so I could know him. We are, apparently, a lot alike, and she thought we’d get along like a house afire. But it’s weird for me to think I could adore this person but have to listen to him use words like “jigaboo.”

12

Sorry Scarlet that’s deffinitly not what I meant. What I meant to say is that no one would admit he himself is a racist. But these same people have no trouble calling someone else a biggot. I thought this was funny (irony).

Racism stems from fearing what we don’t know. Since we can’t know everything, and fear is part of human nature, there is popential for racism in everyone. The best we can do is notice we’re not perfect. I did not imply that noticing=racism.

Again, I’m sorry if I offended you, and I’m sorry if you felt this was a hijack of your thread.

13

My mother is Japanese, and she doesn’t like Koreans or blacks. She once told me that if my sister ever dated a black guy, she would move back to Japan out of shame. :rolleyes: It’s ironic and rather sad, actually, since she married a white man, and my sister and I have both had to endure occasional bigoted comments about our interracial origins. I guess in her mind, it’s different, somehow.

14

Thanks for the explanation, puk, and I understand your sentiment, but I think there’s still some confusion. I would read what you wrote above as saying that racists won’t admit that they are racists, but have no trouble calling others bigots. But if I’m not a racist, then there’s nothing to admit.

Seems to me that the only names bigots have for others are the offensive racist ones that they so love. I can’t recall my dad or others like him calling someone else a bigot. But perhaps you have had that experience?

headshok, at first I read this

to mean that the comments about your interracial origins were coming from your mother. :eek: Boy, I hope I was wrong!

15

Bigoted parents, checking in. My father’s parents belong to the ZOG school of thought as well. I remember my father telling me if I ever dated a black man, he would cry. This is the same man that told me his best friend in the Army was a black man. Sneaky, back-handed racism offends me more than outright hatred, for some reason.

My mother is much the same way, but quieter about it. I dated, lived with and was engaged to a black man in college for over two years. I knew it didn’t make her happy, but she never really said anything. After we split (the first and still most painful break-up I’ve ever gone through) she asked me if “I was ever going to date one of those people again.” I could only stare at her, dumbfounded.

On the other hand, my mother’s parents are wonderful. At one point I had decided I had had enough and took my gorgeous, 6’9", basketball playing, black and proud boyfriend to a family reunion. We walked in to a banjo-pickin’ scene that would have made Hee-Haw look like a UN meeting. My grandfather (bless his heart) grabbed a guitar, walked right up to Van and said, “I heard you can play this thing, son. Let’s see what you’ve got.”

Good thing he could play well. :slight_smile:

As an aside, we dealt with it with much humour, considering how prejudiced HIS family was, too. Van had three sisters, all of whom had dated or were dating white men. When he heard that Van and I were together, he bemoaned, “I’m never going to have any black grandbabies.”

Screw’em all. First great relationship I ever had in my life. I still love that man. :slight_smile:

Is there hope for your neice? Sure. I have no idea how I ended up non-bigoted, but gods know I sure SHOULD have. I never even talked to someone that was not 100% white until I was 13 or so. Really. I had certainly seen others, but never had a reason/opportunity to meet or talk to anyone of any different race. I suppose at some point I just started questioning the logic behind that.

16

[George Carlin]
People don’t want to accept the fact that there’s a bigot on every street corner and every living room in America.
[/George Carlin]

That said, my dad and grandfather were just like the OP’s descriptions. If you weren’t a white American, my dad hated you. My grandfather is the same way. When I saw “American History X,” I could see my father in the anti-Affirmative Action arguements in Derek’s father. I like to think of myself as a non-racist, but there are thoughts that pop into my head that I can’t control. Maybe it was my father’s influence. Maybe it was being the victim of a hate crime for being a white male. I don’t know. I could say “some of my best friends are black.” But that would sound like I was trying to avoid pinning that label on myself. I do have black friends. In my line of work you can’t be too choosy about your coworkers. And I will admit to forming preconceived notions about some black people based purely on looks. Good friend of mine, Bobby, dresses and talks like a thug. And that’s how I thought of him until I got to know him. But I think that we ALL tend to discriminate against some sect of humanity, even if we don’t realize it.

17

Scarlett67:

Sorry about the confusion; my sentence left a bit to be desired. I would have had a really interesting childhood if that were the case. I was referring to comments from other kids when I was growing up (one eye slanted up and the other slanted down, eating mac and cheese with fishheads, that sort of thing), as well as the occasional stupid comments from people at my workplace. I once worked with a guy who was very friendly and likable in all respects, except for his habit of “affectionately” referring to me as “the little half-breed.” He eventually stopped after I started “lovingly” calling him “the big redneck.” Not the most intelligent or imaginative response, I guess, but you’d have to know the guy.

And I can understand your feelings about the effects of growing up with a bigoted parent. I tend to notice a black person in a crowd of whites, or a black-white/black-Asian couple walking through the mall. The fact that I notice these things despite my best intentions bothers me. I guess the best I can do is to keep working on it, and make sure that if I ever have kids, they won’t have to grow up with the sort of baggage that I did.

18

Bigoted parents? oh yeah!
My parents’ families weren’t all that accepting of ANYONE who wasn’t kin!
My mom thought it was the funniest thing that three members of my high school footballs team had the surname “Jones”. But one was white (like “us”), one was black, and one a Native American (I forget from what tribe).

Luckily for me, growing up in S.E.Virginia (several military installations) provided the opportunity to be exposed to LOTS of ethnic backgrounds. Unfortunately, mom and dad tended to be a bit skittish when we had to go into “that” part of town.

I thought that my mom was going to have a stroke when she saw me holding the hand of a black girl. Good thing that she never found out that I also dated a few girls that were Asian after I moved from home.

19

My parents were quiet bigots. They never came right out with slurs or names or cliches, but I always noticed a disdain in their tone when they discussed race related topics.

And since I have moved to the south, I’ve also noticed a token effort by a lot of people to find one friend of another race that they can point to and say “See? I’m not a racist.” These are also the same people who use one of the most horrendously irritating phrases that never fails to grate my nerves whenever I hear it. It goes something like “I don’t care if you’re black, brown, white or purple, I’ll still shoot you if you steal my car”. You’re not fooling anybody with that one.

20

My Dad is a racist, plain and simple. He doesn’t trust white people. He believes all white people hate him. He thinks that white people would just as soon spit on him than say hello and the only reason they don’t is because they are afraid of getting beaten up.

He would tell me it was better not to sit next to whites because they can and will accuse you of all matter of crimes at their slightest whim. He would tell me that the worst thing whites do is smile in your face while stabbing you in the back.

According to my Dad the answer was to smile and be friendly but to know, deep down in your heart, that white people hate you and you should hate them back.

I wasn’t raised by my father, but by my blonde, hazel-eyed, very white looking Spanish grandmother. It was very easy for me to see the holes in my Dad’s logic. I could also see where his anger came from. When he was growing up, white people actually did do those things. Still, he was quite concerned about me “turning white”.

He knows better now than to make comments about my friends and to watch his tongue around my children.