I’ve recently transferred to another school that is much larger than what I’m used to. My poor, broken down, short-circuited cut-rate gaydar is beeping a bit regarding a guy that I’ve been talking to and providing rides home for over the last couple of days. He’s a really sweet guy, and I’d love to see if he’d like to set up a date sometime. The problem is the obvious one: Is he g/b or straight?
To say that my skills at picking fellow gay/bisexual males out of a crowd are rusty would be a ridiculous understatement.
So, oh wise and worldly Dopers, I’m turning to you for advice. What sort of indicators should I look for in figuring out this guy’s orientation, barring catching him with pornographic material? I’m not looking for stereotypes - lisps, limp wrists, etc. I would venture that most of us have the sense to realize that these are outdated and useless.
The only thing that comes to mind (for me) is: prolonged eye contact. I’ve been told that sometimes PEC implies homosexuality, but I’m hesitant to put much stock in it.
You’re letting us know your gay, go ahead and let him know and see how he reacts. Since you’re riding together you have time to talk. Talk about your lack of gay-rad. Or just assume he’s gay. If he’s not, he’ll let you know and your interest in him can end.
I’m straight, and I use a lot of PEC during dates, just because it implies that I’m interested in my date, and what she has to say. Looking around the room implies boredom. That doesn’t seem like a valid indicator to me.
On the other hand, I’m with starfish. Direct the conversation along those lines, and see how he reacts. At that point, you can decide how to proceed by what he says (which is usually more telling than his mannerisms). Just be careful; many hetero guys are threatened by someone assuming or even asking if they’re gay.
Scott: But that’s it, you see. You’re straight, and you go in for prolonged eye contact with girls, especially girls you fancy. Generally, straight men don’t go in for prolonged eye contact with other men in a walking down the street or scoping out a bar situation. They get embarrassed and look away. The idea is that if a man does not turn away from prolonged eye contact with another man, he is more likely to be gay/bi.
starfish - I’m afraid to be too blunt with him as yet, but I’ll definetly ‘direct the conversation’ that way a bit. Remember, I’m in High School, and being totally off-base is likely to get my ass kicked, heh.
Scott - You’re right, I should focus more on judging his preferences by what he says than his mannerisms-until now I hadn’t thought to draw much of a distinction.
Tansu - That’s basically what I was thinking, I’m glad everyone didn’t think I was just nuts.
I doubt this will work for you, since you are not yet of legal drinking age, but my girlfriend used to ask suspected fellow dykes what bars they liked to go to. If they mentioned the right ones – bingo!
Obviously, you would have to modify this technique somewhat to fit your audience, but maybe you could come up with something.
I think talking about subjects gay people are more likely to be interested in would be useful. Say “Have you seen that new Will& Grace episode?” or “Can you believe that Vermont is planning to recognize gay marriages?” and see how he responds.
Or think up some pretext to bring up homosexuality as a cultural/social issue of importance and discuss it in a dispassionate way. His reaction will at least tell you whether he’s gay-friendly or not, even if he’s straight.
But be careful Subtlety is pretty important at this stage.
My course of action would be to ask him flat out if he’s an Autobot or a Decepticon (semi-obscure reference, hooray!). But then again, I don’t have the nuts to ask people I only sorta know, which is one of the reasons I’m still single … my gaydar is much better at detecting men than women.
That bar suggestion is a good one, I gotta try that!
It’s usually not one thing, but a combination. As far as the sterotype, many gay men will be totally butch in society, but more affectionate among closer friends. I am a straight male and get relaxed when I can playfully flirt with lady friends that I may fantasies about but won’t act unless I get seriously similar vibes. Heck, I even flirt with lady friends I’m not all that attracted to. I see that in girls as well, “She just looked at that hot girl as intently as me.”
A combination of steriotypes does increase the likelyhood he is gay. I think the “showtunes and Barbara Striesand” test is old school.
Compliment him on a piece of clothing, see how he reacts.
Wear a light coat of mascara one night, see if he notices.
I, personally, somehow pay attention to the neck movement. It’s kind of smoother for gay males than it is for straight ones. The way he carries his head (the big one) might give him out.
There may be no lisp, but his speech is more likely to be properly articulated than that of a straight man.
Also: make sure HE has a chance to realize YOU are gay, or it might make it more difficult for him to come out to you. Get a rainbow sticker and put it on your backpack or something, wear black sleek clothing and silver accessories. (Whoa. I just realized I dress like a gay man.)
To see if he’s flirting with you, look at the number of times he blinks. The more the better.
Ask about his political party affiliation. I know I’m stepping into hot water here, but if he’s a conservative, he is probably not gay.
I am not gay but I think I don’t think its outrageous to say that some stereotypes are at least partially based, if not on fact, something pretty damn close to it.
Sorry it took me so long to get back to the thread, I’ve had a busy couple of days.
I really appreciate the responses and suggestions, and I’m sure that they’ll come in handy in the future. Unfortunately, the object of my affections seems to be straight.
I combined ideas gleaned from a couple of the Doper responses with advice from my gay friend Daniel and steered the conversation in the ‘gay’ direction two days ago as I was taking him home. After some innocuous lead-in conversation, this followed:
Me: “So, last night my friend Daniel told me that he’s gay.”
Him: “Gross. Are you still going to talk to him?”
Needless to say, little Ythy’s bubble was rudely burst.
Again, thanks for the tips, and Philistine - while your link didn’t help, exactly, it was alot of fun.
Ahh busted bubbles are fun. This one guy who gave me the prolonged eye contact turns out to be straight; he came into my office with a form for child care services. Unless of course he has a partner and they’ve adopted, but i dont think that’s likely :).
