Can you tell someone is gay by looking?

In My Humble Opinion
1

In this thread, 5-4-Fighting mentions a practice of black men being on the ‘down low’. I have heard of this concept, read about it, heard that it was on Oprah, but I haven’t really seen much of it in practice.

I want to say right now, that some of the things I say in this post may read insensitive, stereotypical, and just down right uneducated and silly. I apologize in advance, but I am going to try to speak as honestly as possible, because it is the only way I can learn anything.

Gay men are either out, or are ‘in the closet’. Those that are ‘in the closet’, or on the down low, or whatever, in my experience…they are often tolerated with a knowing smirk. Everyone seems to know they are gay. If not by mannerisms and rumor, then by a look. I can’t explain it. But I seem to notice a certain look that gay men have. More so than with gay women, but I notice it with them too.

I know I could be wrong. Maybe some people that I think look gay are straight, and vice versa.

My best friend and I went to a gay club in Brooklyn a few years ago. It was a club for ‘homo-thugs’, which was a term for black men that pass on a daily basis as straight, but then meet up at these clubs so that they can…hook up? I don’t know. My friend and I didn’t realize that it was a gay club, and we went on in. All of the guys were dressed like gangstas, and had mean looks on their faces, and were even checking us out! But we took one look at their faces and we knew they were gay. (after a while we would have noticed that it was 70% men there too, but that is not uncommon in certain straight clubs).

I don’t know what the look is, and maybe I am crazy. But it seems to be there when I look. It is…maybe a certain way in which some of them…set their mouths? I know this sounds stupid, but I honestly would like to know if any dopers feel me on this. It seems to me that this ‘down low’ thing is probably not as widespread as some might think? Because if we all can tell by looking at your face that you are gay, then you are kidding no one by insisting you are straight.

As an aside, are 15% percent of the white, male men in America gay? Is that number equal for Black men? If so, why this new term, “down low brother”? Why not just say they are in the closet, like we do for the rest of the men in America? Is it possible that the ‘down low’ brothers think they are better at hiding it than any other closeted gay man? By acting ‘thug’ or something? It doesn’t hide it! I can still tell…I think…by looking at their faces. Or am I being really, really stupid with this?

2

I thought guys on the down low were engaging in gay sex, but didn’t think of themselves as gay, or even bisexual - not that they thought of themselves as gay but in the closet. I’m willing to be corrected, though.

3

Can you?

4

Just out of curiosity, how well does your “gaydar” work when you throw bisexuals, transgendered and pansexuals into the mix? Can you tell with those who are in denial, have casual acceptance, and are in-your-face flamboyant?

I think what you’re recognizing would be mannerisms commonly used in their “gay subculture” (I hate how that sounds but can’t think of a better term to describe it), being the stereotypical idea of how gay men act, dress and talk. Some of them do try to follow the standards, because they feel more comfortable in that role or because they want others to recognize that they are gay. Many gay people don’t do this.

And psychologically speaking, a gay club is a bad place to confirm your theory that “all gay men look like this”. In that setting, many of the gay men there are searching for hook-ups, and to do that, they have to make sure others know that they are gay. So you’re noticing the “interested” signals that they are deliberately sending out. That doesn’t mean you can automatically identify a person’s sexuality just by looking at them.

5

I hear you. I will say that I don’t know that my gaydar works. It is quite possible that a lot of men are gay and I can’t tell. But often times, when I see this…certain look…it seems that I am dead on about that person.

Bisexual male = gay male for me. That is just how I perceive it…so yeah, it works with them too. I look at a bi male, and I see something in their face. I knew some would think I really mean overly effeminate mannerisms. No. I actually know a couple straight guys that have feminine ways, so no, it’s not that. It is mainly in the face.

Also, the gay club was a club that is known for ‘homo thugs’, (learned that after the fact). That means that they do not go out of their way to act feminine…on the contrary, the really try to thug it up. Dressing and talking and acting in a way that they think gangsta thug straight boys act…but they still looked gay to me.

Q.E.D., I didn’t take the quiz, because I assumed I would trust my own results. If I said someone was gay, and the quiz said they weren’t, I would think the person was just in the closet.

Also, I am not saying that this look is unpleasant. I am just saying that I seem to notice it there.

6

I know exactly what you’re saying about how they “set their mouths”. I notice this too. Now that’s not to say some gay men don’t do this. In fact, I bet a good portion of gay men do not do this. However, there are dead giveaways, I find. The dead give-aways I’ve noticed is the mouth thing, the way they look at their monitor at work, the way they dress, and the way they use their hands to hold/pick up objects, use their mouse etc. Also, a lisp, doesn’t necessarily mean he is gay, but if there are other mannerisms, then a lisp definately helps confirm your suspicions.

I had to train a new user at work last week, and I could immediately tell he was gay. I’m willing however, to bet that he’s one of the few that you can just tell instantly. No straight man would have these mannerisms. Even his attitude was a dead-giveaway.

Mind boggling how some people you wouldn’t know are gay, actually are though. I remember this one guy I used to see at the bar once in a while, he seemed totally straight, and one night he got pretty drunk and started hugging everyone in the bar, he walked up and gave me a big ol’ hug and I was like “haha, ok man, good to see you too!”. My buddies were like “Dude, he’s gay, eh… did you know that?” I was like “Get the **** outta here… him?”… “Yea man, we saw him kissing some dude a couple weeks ago”. I would NEVER have guessed. To confirm that, a couple of my other friends who are good friends with him mentioned it too. Apparently they were in kitchener and were making fun of some people calling them fags and whatnot, and the guy was like “Whoa guys… you do know I’m gay, right?”. They were like “Wtf??? REALLY? Sorry man, you know we were kidding right?”. They had known him for about 3 years up to this point. Apparently hilarity ensued, as he’s not easily insulted by stuff like that.

Anyways… you’re not crazy or stupid. Some gay men give it away that they’re gay, and you can tell from a mile away. You just know there is NO WAY a straight man has certain mannersisms (especially if it’s multiple mannerisms).

7

When you look at this hypothetical gay/bi male and see that “something” in their face, do you know their orientation beforehand, or is it something you only find out after the fact? Because if you know their orientation before, there certainly could be a sort of unconscious prejudice (or pre-assumption) in your mind that translates into seeing something “off” about them. I’m not accusing you of being bigoted or anything like that; I think everyone on the planet has prejudices towards certain groups, and you would not be in the extreme when it comes to that.

I still think you were probably sensing the levels of “attraction” in the atmosphere at the gay club, be it through psychological or biological means, or both. (Humans are rather adept at picking up on pheromones and nonverbal/bodily cues, after all.) Whether or not the people acted “stereotypically” gay is no matter. The idea that effeminate man = gay man is one that, if anyone reading this still holds, they need to open their eyes and take a look at the world around them.

8

Yeah. I didn’t get the feeling that you were trying to call me a bigot or anything. I appreciate that people are willing to discuss this with me without judging me…so far.

I hate to have to pull the ‘some of my best friends are gay’ card, but you have left me no option…I believe gay men should be allowed to marry if they want to, I believe they have every right to happiness, some of the smartest, kindest men I know are gay. Gays love me back, too. I often am told by gay men that I am “fierce”. They love my attitude, my afro, my big mama-ness and my general coolness. So I don’t think that I have any predudices that I am projecting here. Mostly, when I notice this ‘look’ I have no idea. I will see a guy in the club (straight club) just standing there, smoking his blunt, and I will think, “gay”. Later, I will see him somewhere else (small city) with his man and be like, “I knew it”. It has happened many times, in different scenerios.

I concur with Red1980 that sometimes you have no idea. This guy I worked with was like this big jock frat boy that was always checking out girl’s boobs. He was gay and out of the closet.

9

So, that’s a “no,” then. Gotcha.

10

Sorry, I guess I wasn’t quite clear about what my use of “prejudice” meant. I implied it in a more subtle way than the term is usually used. I think the best way to describe it is using myself as an example: I would call myself prejudiced, despite the fact that I wholly believe in the whole “tolerance and equality for all!” thing. The logical part of my brain rejects prejudice in every way, tells me that a guy is not made more dangerous just because of the type of clothing he wears. And yet the emotional part of my brain is still a bit wary when I see your stereotypical white frat guy or hip-hop-style (what is the most common name for that clothing style? I have no idea) black guy wandering around late at night. Just one example. I think that’s something that our cultures instill in us, that we can (and I do) try to remove as best as possible but never completely will.

That’s the “level” of prejudice I was refering to; the kind that doesn’t reflect on your beliefs, just your unconscious/emotional impulses. You see a man acting in a certain way, smiling in a certain way, and it leads you to think “gay”. Maybe it is something that many of the gay guys in your area pick up on and mimic, and thus what you notice. They may do it consciously or unconsciously. (Nonverbal communication is fascinating; would be fun to learn more about.) Or you might just have incredibly good luck picking out those things. Or maybe when you see the guy with “his man” later, he’s actually just with his best friend or something. (Unless they’re holding hands or some such, that would make it obvious. But even gay guys never show any outward signs of it in my area, so it’s rather hard to obseve here.) There’s many possibilities.

ETA: Q.E.D., the link was broken for me.

11

Uh…ok…sure…right… blinks baffled, point wizzing over my head

Oh! I see. Sorry. I am a bit thick sometimes. Yeah, I think this is possible…maybe some prejudice is coming through there. Also, I can see the possibility that I am picking up on some subtle non verbal cues that these guys in my own culture / social circle pick up from each other. I can see that. It does seem just as likely that there is something there. Right? Is that possible? I mean if you are born gay, is it possible that there is some kind of physical indicator? I know that last question is going to get me flamed, but I will take it like a woman, because I know that I am not the sharpest tool in the shed all the time, but I am usually one of the tools most willing to get sharpened.

12

Yeah that is a straight up unbiased test… :rolleyes:

Shows a guy in profile kneeling in front of another guy with his mouth open touching another guys crotch. Surprise he’s straight. No, that’s not gotcha testing at all. The others show guys intentionally trying to look gay.

I agree that I probably could not accurately tell who is gay for people trying to hide it but this “test” ain’t the best way to prove your point.

13

How do you know it’s another guy? :slight_smile:

14

Apparently, most people can correctly judge sexual orientation with a glance

Of course, YMMV, as may your intuition. I generally don’t have a clue.

Si

15

Absolutely clueless here, unless the person is flamboyantly gay or ultra-butch. But then most inter-personal stuff flies right by me anyway.

16

That whole thing is pretty silly really as we have no idea what the parameters are. Were the contestants/ victims asked to participate? How do we even know if their responses were truthful.

May as well buy a raffle ticket.

17

I cannot. I am clueless about such things. One friend came out and I was surprised. Others mentioned that he had effeminate gestures (he did, somewhat) but to my mind many men who are gay do not and many who do are not gay. So no, I have no gaydar.

18

My gaydar is virtually nonexistent. Particularly with women. I went to a local non-gay club years ago (you’d be hard-pressed to find a gay club here in Dogpatch) and it was local gay girls night out. I couldn’t pick one from that crowd if there was $1000 riding on it. I don’t know if its that I’m clueless to any signals or if I just don’t care enough to notice. But unless you’re really pushing the butch personna, I never notice. I do get hit on a lot, though.

19

I’m another gaydar-free creature. I just had a “you’re gay?!” moment last week and was met with a “Well DUH!” I’ve had several of those at work…

Probably 90% of the guys at work I get along with are gay though, so I should have guessed based on the fact that I like the guy and he’s fun :stuck_out_tongue: I kid, of course… but yeah, the long and the short of it is that I can’t tell. I just basically assume the guy is attracted to no one unless he specifically says something about it. Girls? Man, I have even less of an idea. As far as I know, I’ve only ever met three lesbians. Now, I’m sure the actual number is higher, but I’m just clueless.

To further prove the point, I got 8/16 right on that quiz. The popup asked, “You guessed this, didn’t you?”

I also have several problems with my inability to recognise faces, anyway - basically, say I meet someone at work and then I meet them outside of work, I won’t recognise them out of context. Or someone may cut or dye their hair and I won’t recognise them. I can’t even watch movies alone because I need someone with me to help me when I go “Is that the bad guy, or the good guy?” Watching Indiana Jones, when he wasn’t wearing his hat, I had no clue who he was. So maybe my facial recognition problems have something to do with it as well.

20

Nzinga, it sounds like you’re decribing confirmation bias. You see a guy with his boyfriend, and remember that you ID’d him as gay once. But surely you don’t get that follow-up on every man you get that vibe off of. And I’m willing to bet that if you see a man making out with his girlfriend, you’re not going to remember how gay he seemed.