Help! Talk me down from an office affair!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Oh Lordy, am I in a fix. Ths will be a long one.

My situation. I am in a loving and stable relationship with my partner of 7 years (same sex). My partner adores me, we own two homes together, we’re about to move house to a different town which is a huge life change, and we’re planning on a civil partnership (UK) next year. Got a big spangly ring and everything.

Now, I’m the Creative Director at a London design agency, an important role which requires a lot of client contact, including wining and dining. One of my clients is also a lesbian, and is in an equally committed and stable relationship. She’s getting married in October and planning on starting a family straight after.

All well and good, except at a drunken Christmas lunch/day out/evening last December, this client confessed that she fancied me. A lot. Despite my drunkenness, I gently turned her down, reminding her of her beautiful girlfriend. She phoned the following day in shame and extreme embarrassment for crossing the client/consultant line. I brushed it off cheerfully, friends again. All well and good.

Until last Thursday. I’d just given her a long presentation, we all went for a drink afterwards (with my other colleagues). Evening gets very drunken, conversation turns to what happened at Christmas, I confess that it had awakened something in me and couldn’t get her out of my head. She admits the same. We end up sneaking off and having a snog in a doorway somewhere in Soho.

Argh. Very hungover next day, she sends me a message along the lines of ‘never must happen again’ and I agree. All well and good. Except she’s coming to my house to have dinner on Sunday with both our girlfriends. It’s okay, we can be grown-ups, right?

Oh boy, so we all get quite drunk, and said client and myself end up snogging at every private opportunity when we’re out of sight of our girlfriends. I have NEVER done anything so reckless in my life.

So, this morning I get another email from client. Here’s a transcript:

Client:
“Anyway, had a lovely time with you popkids on Sunday. Didn’t realise you were so multi-talented, what with being a fabulous designer AND chef…

Had a horrible hangover yesterday. Don’t remember getting home or being a git to (her girlfriend) when I got in - which is fair, seeing it was me who fell off the end of the bed. I know that nobody needs reminding, but nurturing a relationship requires 100% concentration. So, young lady, no socials for a while, no alcohol when in company, no phonecalls, texts or emails - unless they’re work related.

Hope that’s cool. We both know that an escalation from here could be very bad news indeed.

Anyway, have a nice day - see you bright and breezy tomorrow.”

Me: “That was humbling…Understood. See you tomorrow. Kx” (we have a work meeting)

Client: “It wasn’t meant to be humbling. Can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t stop stomach churning or thinking stuff so I’m being sensible.”

Me: (Trying to be grown up): “Good. Someone needs to be. I’m going to get a stomach ulcer otherwise”.

Thing is, I just don’t believe it. I feel what she said, I feel like a fucking teenager. We have some big projects going through so I can’t avoid her. What’s more, my boss suspects something happened the other night, though she hasn’t said anything to me. Talk me down people, how do I stop feeling sick! Oh, and I’m supposed to be designing this client’s wedding invitation.

2

Do Not, I repeat, Do Not drink when you are around her. That seems to lower your inhibitions from what I read in your post. I know it’s probably next to impossible, but it’d be a good thing if the two of you could not have any kind of contact with each other business or otherwise until both of you sort your feelings out. If you do have an attraction for each other when sober, then both of you need to acknowledge that and be fair to your partners. If you don’t feel the same when you’re not drinking, then maybe you should step back and see if maybe it’s alcohol that is the underlying problem.

SanVito I’m not writing any of this to be judgemental of you but I do really think you need to step back from this person and possibly alcohol for a while just to try and see things more clearly.

3

No, judgemental is good. The alcohol lowers inhibitions, but the attraction is still there (on both sides) without the alcohol. Unfortunatley, I can’t avoid her workwise, it would damage my job to step back and my role means I’m very involved in all client business. As I said, I have an early meeting with her tomorrow (although we won’t be alone together, which is v. good).

I hate feeling like this.

4

You need to decide if you really want to be married to your partner. This may be a (not so) subliminal sign that you’re not ready to take the plunge. At any rate, you owe your partner honesty in the relationship. Step back and evaluate the situation (and all possible outcomes). Best of luck to you.

5

I’ve just reread by original post and realise it makes me sound like an alcoholic. I’m not! That above is a very condensed view of a few evenings over the past few months. Just for clarification!

I appreciate the commenst about ‘standing back’. Can someone tell me how?

6

SanVito since you must have business interactions with this person, I suggest you keep it to just that. Avoid socializing with her as this seems to be the situation in which the two of you cross the line.

Kalhoun gave good advice. If you really think you have feelings for this woman, then you owe it to your girlfriend to be honest about it with her. Perhaps counseling, either by yourself or with your girlfriend would help. You must sort these feelings out before you make any kind of legal commitment.

7

I could never tell my girlfriend, it would destroy her. I love her too much to hurt her so fundamentally. I wonder whether my feelings are based on the new and unnattainable. It’s certainly purely passion/lust rather than the deep love I feel for my partner. I feel very ashamed to be even feeling like this, let alone to act upon it.

8

As (the presumably nekkid) Swampy said, keep it “professional only.” Take a pass on any after-hours get-togethers, even you have to make up a little lie to keep the other co-workers from catching on. “I have to take my mother to the doctor” or “I have an appointment with my accountant” or whatever. I’m sure she’ll know why you’re avoiding these gatherings, and that’s a good thing. You need to be honest with yourself so you can be honest with these two women. Counseling is a great idea.

There’s no harm in postponing your wedding until you’ve sorted out your feelings. It’s much more difficult to get “unentwined” down the road because you will have legal obligations that don’t exist today.

9

Avoiding social gatherings is a good start, I agree, and it certainly seems that she’s intent on avoiding me in these situations as well. We don’t have a wedding date set, so that’s something. I’ve been divorced before (from a man!) so certainly don’t want to go there again.

10

If telling her would destroy her, being reckless and having her find out that you cheated AND lied about it would be even more devistating.

I suggest you don’t drink around her (for about the forth time). I suggest you don’t see her socially. I suggest that when you have meetings or appointments with her you suggest that you both bring along collegues - and don’t go looking for the excuses of “running off to powder your nose together.” Be properly chaperoned AT ALL TIMES.

(Sounds like she believes the same).

You may want to have one last intimate conversation with her where you get past the infatuation and admit that you don’t do the dishes, you pick your nose when you think no one is looking, and you overspend money (or whatever) and have her admit similar. Part of the attraction of these things is that the new person doesn’t seem mundane. Take whatever faults she tells you about herself and dwell on them. Blow them all out of proportion. “I could never live with someone who didn’t like Chinese food!!!”

11

That’s so true. I think half the problem is that we find each other quite ‘glamorous’. Not trying to sound big headed, but I think she’s finds me quite ‘cool’ because of my job title and what goes with that (how I dress, having to talk big in presentations, my boss deferring to me on creative decisions etc). On the reverse side, she’s very high powered and I can’t remember anyone so ‘important’ being interested in me before. Power can be very sexy.

12

I won’t beat a dead horse about the alcohol, but that’s immediately what jumped out to me when I read your OP, SanVito. It sounds like in the cold light of day you are being very perceptive about yourself. Stay away from her as much as you can, offer up your suffering :wink: , close your eyes and think of England.

Best of luck to you.

13

I just wish I didn’t feel so sick about all this. I might talk to a friend who I trust, I feel I need to spill to someone who will be understanding but will also pull me to my senses.

14

Stop with the melodrama. If your SO is worth having, you’re not the only thing she has going for her. So quit using her emotional fragility as an excuse for your silence.

If you can’t talk to her, if honesty is something to be avoided, then your relationship is doomed. I’m not suggesting you confess that you’ve been snogging your client while she stands, clueless, 50 feet away, but I am suggesting that you let her know that all is not well in your relationship. She deserves to know the truth about her own life.

Baloney. You already *did * hurt her, twice. And now you’re pleading with people on an internet message board to talk you out of hurting her again. Sorry, but I don’t believe for one second that a Creative Director needs the help of strangers to stop her from acting like a dog in heat. I have more respect for you than that. It’s all in your hands, whether there’s a wine glass clenched in them or your partner’s hand. And you know it.

It’s pretty clear that you have two choices here. You can either recommit yourself to your current SO or you can continue hooking up with another woman who may be entering a sham marriage soon. But you can’t do both, or you will continue to be tormented by that sick feeling in your stomach.

15

Harsh, but very fair, PunditLisa. Thanks for your comments.

16

The question is… do you or do you not want to spend the rest of your life with your SO?

If you do, there’s no harm in looking but also no reason to touch.

If you don’t, the sooner you get your head straightened out, the better.

Only because it’s legal for you two to marry doesn’t mean you have to, you know!

17

That’s been my desire for so long, I really haven’t even looked at another human being in the whole time I’ve been with her. I’ve always felt utterly convinced in my affection, which is why this ‘thing’ has really knocked me sideways. I certainly wasn’t looking for it.

18

What PunditLisa said.

Your partner deserves nothing less than the truth about your relationship with the client. Consider for a minute how you’d feel if you were on the other side of the equation. Whenever people say, “Oh, I could never tell my partner - it would kill them” I immediatley call “Bullshit.” You’re just protecting your ass and not giving your partner the opportunity to make a fully informed decision about whether they want to have anything to do with you.

19

Well I hate to be blunt but you need to do several things. First, you should NOT marry your girlfriend. You’re too immature to carry on a committed relationship and she deserves better than someone who would act like you’re acting. Second, you need to stop drinking. Third, stop using drinking as an excuse to act like a slut. Fourth, grow up and take some responsibility for your actions. Learn to control yourself and how to be adult enough to not ACT on lust when you feel it.

If you’re still asking yourself “But HOW???” maybe you should get some counselling and talk to someone about how to control your impulses. Hey, I like a lot of things that are illegal or immoral. Just because it feels good to me or I want them doesn’t mean I have the right to do what I like. There are other people to consider in the world, namely your girlfriend.

Hey, you asked.

ETA: Regarding

If you get married, you’ll be married for the rest of your life. There will come times when you WILL find another person that you are attracted to. It will happen. You need to be the kind of person who respects the vows you took and turns away from those feelings or your partner will pay the price. If it’s not within your ability to do that, think twice about making that kind of commitment.

20

I agree with BoBettie - there will always, always be people in your life that you are attracted to. People in long-term, monogamous relationships always have people in their lives that they are attracted to. The issue is not the attraction to this particular woman; the issue is what decisions you make about your attractions. You can make the decision not to drink with this woman (alcohol reduces inhibitions for many, if not all people), not socialize with her, etc. You don’t put your feet on the slippery slope, you have an easier time not sliding down it.

We’ve had discussions here before about what crosses the line for cheating behaviours, and we pretty much decided that any behaviour that you wouldn’t easily tell your partner about is behaviour that you shouldn’t be engaging in if you want to stay in your relationship. Which brings up another question - if your relationship is not what you want, there’s nothing wrong with that, but everybody involved needs to be on the same page. If you want to open your relationship up, your girlfriend needs to agree to that, or you need to end the relationship. We have some poly Dopers here who can give you good advice if that’s what you and your girlfriend decide to do (the key phrase here being “You AND your girlfriend”).